The Ferris Wheel Of Fate

Vlad · 01-03-2018, 09:48 PM

https://image.ibb.co/c0hTaG/feature_Image.jpg

The Ferris Wheel Of Fate

Prologue

I'd begged for weeks; thoughts caught in silent prayers,
A spreading seed, it brought me spots of quiet glares.
The sign aligned, reading 'All Welcome: Pitt's Giant Fair' ,
I could see and hear the sirens tear, prizes awarded, smiles shared.
Chores for neighbours; walking dogs, mowing lawns,
I rose and set alongside the colors of dusk and dawn.
Rustic bronze; Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious;
"Mother, please, even an hour would make it elatious."
Soundwave silence, she couldn't give a response,
Until Thursday the 6th, I remember it as if a rocket had launched.

Prancing, preaching, power peaking as we approach the park,
Dancing, dazzling diamonds dynamically dazing with sparks.
I jumped joyously, this trip was a jewel brought from patience,
Now tickets in hand, my breath was an uncatchable vapor.
"I'll be waiting," she said, taking a seat on a nearby bench,
I barely heard her, running off between tears of joy, eyes clenched.
Games & fun under the sun, this was the bliss I could see,
Ride after ride, spinning and turning, yelling "I'm as free as can be!"
The hour struck and I approached the bench, there was no one see...
As the words I'd yelled took on a whole new meaning to me...

20 Years Later

"Daddy, please, why can't we go?" Her heartfelt pleas casting shadows,
"Honey...I can't..."Though my own words felt like a crash on my backbone.
"That's what you always say, but never bother to tell us why"

"Well, I guess since you're older...I, I guess I could try..."

She called for her brother and mother, nervousness narrowed,
"What is it sweety?"My wife asked, my chest expanding as if punctured by arrows,
"Daddy has something to tell us."Matter-of-factly, she'd grown up so quick,
"Yes...I think it's time..."The words struggling to form, I'd never felt so sick,
"We're here for you."They exclaimed as I summoned my strength,
And began upon the same journey that for 20 years I'd avoided at length.

"I was 10, innocent, sort of, well, I'd been taking care of my mother,
She had...issues, I never understood, but, we were still there for each other.
I'd been pleading for weeks, just like you've done after seeing the fair,
She'd never taken me either, and, honey, I know, this doesn't make it all fair."

She nodded silently.

"I'd saved up my money, worked hard to cover our costs at the front,
See, I knew we didn't have money, so I just wanted to treat us for once.
She finally caved and it was the happiest day I'd ever come to know,
We packed up for the afternoon and to the fair we would go."

"Well that sounds like fun!" My daughter whispered.

"It was. I rode every ride, the ferris wheel was last,
But when I got to the top, I saw something and gasped
I saw her walking away, bag on her shoulder, head down,
When the ride finished, I looked, but she was nowhere to be found"

My daughter gasped slightly, covering her mouth.

"So, honey, it brings back bad memories, carried through time"

"That's terrible, daddy, I'm sorry, but, I promise I'll stick by your side"

The look in her eyes broke me, she held me while I finished my cry,
But I knew I was redeemed when I saw the look on her face when I said,
"With you guys beside me I can't keep this burden over my head,
At first it might be painful," I look around at them all,
"But for you guys I'll give it a try"

Inno · 01-04-2018, 05:00 PM

Join the AOWL broham.

This was solid drop btw

Diablo · 01-05-2018, 05:26 PM

Okay, so I figured seeing as I read it and you've posted a few things here now with little feedback. I know of you from RR, so I'm familiar with your work to some degree. The scheming is very Lars-esque in that opening couplet but doesn't really come off natural sounding and that makes it read a little forced, IMO. If you're going to do it, make sure you do it cleanly, or you run the risk of the line seeming convuluted. It seems very simple, but it takes skill and experience to really master that stuff. Don't be deceived into thinking it's as easy to do as it looks, the degree of difficulty is obvious in how many people you see attempt it and not manage to carry it off at that level.

The second thing I made a mental note of was your use of stuff like "Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious". I fully understand WHY you would do it because of the multies and technical merit, but again, using them in this manner only makes it come off as unnatural and clunky. You would never speak like that in real life. Tell the reader a story. Keep it natural sounding. The multies used in that particular section are purely there to pick up points for technical merit and they don't really add anything to the piece overall, or help with the story development by pushing it forward, infact by doing what you had there (and at another spot a little later on) you were overdoing it and it actually detracts from the enjoyment of the read (as a reader) rather than add to it as you may have thought (as a writer). Again, it's a tough balancing act, you want to have the technical proficiency but you also want to keep the reader on side and not alienate them to what's actually happening as the story unfolds.

I like doing alliterative stuff in my verses so I did enjoy that perhaps more than I should. Sure, again, you could have reigned it back a little - less is always more in those cases IMHO - but I did like seeing you toy with it and add a little touch of something different. I also noted that around this section you seemed to take your boot off the neck of those strangulated multies. It helped, it read cleaner, though longer syllable end rhymes would have helped the flow to read smoother here. The story was allowed to breath, it opened it up, and I really enjoyed what you did with the dialogue here because you kept it short and snappy throughout which is what topicals need. You see far too many people write up entire rhyming passages of dialogue and it often comes off sounding awkward and unnatural, which you didn't do, so kudos on that.

Your flow seems to get more drawn out during the flash forward, the lines become longer, there are more syllables to them and it doesn't read as well when compared to the start. This is because you tried to develop the storyline more at this bridge, so again i completely see why you did that, but the best action for you around this point of the verse would have been to have kept the lines to a similar length to how it all began because that's what the reader had then become used to. The meter changed somewhat, from somewhat short and fast paced to a slower more wordy segment that was a little disruptive to the read. The sort of sentence breaks you used toward the end were an odd one. The first one worked for me, personally, mainly because it was short and snappy... the rest seemed out of place as they were basically non-rhyming (and sometimes rhyming) interjections that were probably illadvised in reality. Either make them all rhyme, or dont. The mix up of the two just leads to confusion and the last thing you want to do is confuse your reader while you're trying to anchor the verse LOL

Hope this constructive feedback helps you somewhat and it's taken with the good humour I intended it as. I'm always happy to help.

Keep that pen moving!

Geno · 01-05-2018, 05:53 PM

Gotta agree with diable when it talks about the extra words and how it feels clunky. Or unnatural to read at times.. I think you could cut a few words out tbh.. But on the other hand..

This was dope fucking storytelling man. Probably my favorite shit ive read from you. Was packed with imagery and emotion. Stayed suspenseful and made you wanna push on to see where it was goi g. For me anyway. In this case the extra words probably did t hurt so much. But for the most part they do. I guess diable put it best when he said.. "People dont speak like that". i thought about what he meant and realized ya.. Hes right lmao. Idk about you or other folks but im a lazy fucking speaker. So i try to smash as much meaning as i can into as little wordspace as possible without totally ruining the concept or content. The same can be said about most of my writing also. Though i go back sometimes and notice that once in a while ive dropped the awkwadd long bar posts to. And i usually hate them when i go back and read them. Idk. There a smoothness and more satisfying cadence to be found in shorter bar posts that still have a ton of meaning. Im sure u know what i mean.

Anyway i thought this piece was really dope regardless of all that.

Sammy · 01-06-2018, 05:20 PM

Quote:

"Mother, please, even an hour would make it elatious."

u already know i'm a huge fan of yours, Vlad, but that line was ... very...WTF, lol. That aside, dope piece and a great battle between you and Self.

Diablo · 01-06-2018, 06:14 PM

Where did the battle go down?

I was interested in seeing who won/how the votes panned out

Rude · 01-07-2018, 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Diablo

Where did the battle go down?

I was interested in seeing who won/how the votes panned out

Writing Leagues

not sure if links are allowed if so : https://www.writingleagues.com/showt...&p=512#post512

Sinacog · 01-30-2019, 03:14 PM

Hello, Vlad. Good read here, was quite elatious and grandeur. Nice work.

Overall - I thought this was a good topical piece. It had all the essentials for a good narrative, with good imagery, and enticing narrative. I enjoyed your subtle story-telling; - was quite nice. It was kind of sad to read about..but it was quite good. You don't really tell us why your mom was crying in the story...but that's okay..it was still quite good. Nice use of carrying along a story. Was quite nice. overall - good work man. Enjoyed this piece. Good work, keep writing!

01-03-2018, 09:48 PM	#1
Vlad Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2015 Posts: 6 Rep Power: 0	The Ferris Wheel Of Fate https://image.ibb.co/c0hTaG/feature_Image.jpg The Ferris Wheel Of Fate Prologue I'd begged for weeks; thoughts caught in silent prayers, A spreading seed, it brought me spots of quiet glares. The sign aligned, reading 'All Welcome: Pitt's Giant Fair' , I could see and hear the sirens tear, prizes awarded, smiles shared. Chores for neighbours; walking dogs, mowing lawns, I rose and set alongside the colors of dusk and dawn. Rustic bronze; Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious; "Mother, please, even an hour would make it elatious." Soundwave silence, she couldn't give a response, Until Thursday the 6th, I remember it as if a rocket had launched. Prancing, preaching, power peaking as we approach the park, Dancing, dazzling diamonds dynamically dazing with sparks. I jumped joyously, this trip was a jewel brought from patience, Now tickets in hand, my breath was an uncatchable vapor. "I'll be waiting," she said, taking a seat on a nearby bench, I barely heard her, running off between tears of joy, eyes clenched. Games & fun under the sun, this was the bliss I could see, Ride after ride, spinning and turning, yelling "I'm as free as can be!" The hour struck and I approached the bench, there was no one see... As the words I'd yelled took on a whole new meaning to me... 20 Years Later "Daddy, please, why can't we go?" Her heartfelt pleas casting shadows, "Honey...I can't..."Though my own words felt like a crash on my backbone. "That's what you always say, but never bother to tell us why" "Well, I guess since you're older...I, I guess I could try..." She called for her brother and mother, nervousness narrowed, "What is it sweety?"My wife asked, my chest expanding as if punctured by arrows, "Daddy has something to tell us."Matter-of-factly, she'd grown up so quick, "Yes...I think it's time..."The words struggling to form, I'd never felt so sick, "We're here for you."They exclaimed as I summoned my strength, And began upon the same journey that for 20 years I'd avoided at length. "I was 10, innocent, sort of, well, I'd been taking care of my mother, She had...issues, I never understood, but, we were still there for each other. I'd been pleading for weeks, just like you've done after seeing the fair, She'd never taken me either, and, honey, I know, this doesn't make it all fair." She nodded silently. "I'd saved up my money, worked hard to cover our costs at the front, See, I knew we didn't have money, so I just wanted to treat us for once. She finally caved and it was the happiest day I'd ever come to know, We packed up for the afternoon and to the fair we would go." "Well that sounds like fun!" My daughter whispered. "It was. I rode every ride, the ferris wheel was last, But when I got to the top, I saw something and gasped I saw her walking away, bag on her shoulder, head down, When the ride finished, I looked, but she was nowhere to be found" My daughter gasped slightly, covering her mouth. "So, honey, it brings back bad memories, carried through time" "That's terrible, daddy, I'm sorry, but, I promise I'll stick by your side" The look in her eyes broke me, she held me while I finished my cry, But I knew I was redeemed when I saw the look on her face when I said, "With you guys beside me I can't keep this burden over my head, At first it might be painful," I look around at them all, "But for you guys I'll give it a try"

01-05-2018, 05:26 PM	#3
Diablo Badgerdick Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Showdown City Posts: 2,633 Battle Record: 11-2 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 22685552	Okay, so I figured seeing as I read it and you've posted a few things here now with little feedback. I know of you from RR, so I'm familiar with your work to some degree. The scheming is very Lars-esque in that opening couplet but doesn't really come off natural sounding and that makes it read a little forced, IMO. If you're going to do it, make sure you do it cleanly, or you run the risk of the line seeming convuluted. It seems very simple, but it takes skill and experience to really master that stuff. Don't be deceived into thinking it's as easy to do as it looks, the degree of difficulty is obvious in how many people you see attempt it and not manage to carry it off at that level. The second thing I made a mental note of was your use of stuff like "Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious". I fully understand WHY you would do it because of the multies and technical merit, but again, using them in this manner only makes it come off as unnatural and clunky. You would never speak like that in real life. Tell the reader a story. Keep it natural sounding. The multies used in that particular section are purely there to pick up points for technical merit and they don't really add anything to the piece overall, or help with the story development by pushing it forward, infact by doing what you had there (and at another spot a little later on) you were overdoing it and it actually detracts from the enjoyment of the read (as a reader) rather than add to it as you may have thought (as a writer). Again, it's a tough balancing act, you want to have the technical proficiency but you also want to keep the reader on side and not alienate them to what's actually happening as the story unfolds. I like doing alliterative stuff in my verses so I did enjoy that perhaps more than I should. Sure, again, you could have reigned it back a little - less is always more in those cases IMHO - but I did like seeing you toy with it and add a little touch of something different. I also noted that around this section you seemed to take your boot off the neck of those strangulated multies. It helped, it read cleaner, though longer syllable end rhymes would have helped the flow to read smoother here. The story was allowed to breath, it opened it up, and I really enjoyed what you did with the dialogue here because you kept it short and snappy throughout which is what topicals need. You see far too many people write up entire rhyming passages of dialogue and it often comes off sounding awkward and unnatural, which you didn't do, so kudos on that. Your flow seems to get more drawn out during the flash forward, the lines become longer, there are more syllables to them and it doesn't read as well when compared to the start. This is because you tried to develop the storyline more at this bridge, so again i completely see why you did that, but the best action for you around this point of the verse would have been to have kept the lines to a similar length to how it all began because that's what the reader had then become used to. The meter changed somewhat, from somewhat short and fast paced to a slower more wordy segment that was a little disruptive to the read. The sort of sentence breaks you used toward the end were an odd one. The first one worked for me, personally, mainly because it was short and snappy... the rest seemed out of place as they were basically non-rhyming (and sometimes rhyming) interjections that were probably illadvised in reality. Either make them all rhyme, or dont. The mix up of the two just leads to confusion and the last thing you want to do is confuse your reader while you're trying to anchor the verse LOL Hope this constructive feedback helps you somewhat and it's taken with the good humour I intended it as. I'm always happy to help. Keep that pen moving! Last edited by Diablo; 01-05-2018 at 06:05 PM.

01-05-2018, 05:53 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Gotta agree with diable when it talks about the extra words and how it feels clunky. Or unnatural to read at times.. I think you could cut a few words out tbh.. But on the other hand.. This was dope fucking storytelling man. Probably my favorite shit ive read from you. Was packed with imagery and emotion. Stayed suspenseful and made you wanna push on to see where it was goi g. For me anyway. In this case the extra words probably did t hurt so much. But for the most part they do. I guess diable put it best when he said.. "People dont speak like that". i thought about what he meant and realized ya.. Hes right lmao. Idk about you or other folks but im a lazy fucking speaker. So i try to smash as much meaning as i can into as little wordspace as possible without totally ruining the concept or content. The same can be said about most of my writing also. Though i go back sometimes and notice that once in a while ive dropped the awkwadd long bar posts to. And i usually hate them when i go back and read them. Idk. There a smoothness and more satisfying cadence to be found in shorter bar posts that still have a ton of meaning. Im sure u know what i mean. Anyway i thought this piece was really dope regardless of all that. __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

01-04-2018, 05:00 PM	#2
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,025 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899403	Join the AOWL broham. This was solid drop btw

01-06-2018, 06:14 PM	#6
Diablo Badgerdick Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Showdown City Posts: 2,633 Battle Record: 11-2 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 22685552	Where did the battle go down? I was interested in seeing who won/how the votes panned out

01-30-2019, 03:14 PM	#8
Sinacog R.Killsbury 3000 Join Date: Dec 2018 Posts: 2,299 Battle Record: 4-25 Rep Power: 8129215	Hello, Vlad. Good read here, was quite elatious and grandeur. Nice work. Overall - I thought this was a good topical piece. It had all the essentials for a good narrative, with good imagery, and enticing narrative. I enjoyed your subtle story-telling; - was quite nice. It was kind of sad to read about..but it was quite good. You don't really tell us why your mom was crying in the story...but that's okay..it was still quite good. Nice use of carrying along a story. Was quite nice. overall - good work man. Enjoyed this piece. Good work, keep writing!