Week III:Symetrik vs Pent uP[SYM WINS]- OPEN FOR FEED

[Inno]

Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59

Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@symetrik @Pent uP

Goodluck!

[symetrik]

Check, in. you wanna pick the topic? I'm okay with whatever

[Pent uP]

So i gor invited to a company party tomorrow so i wont be able to write until Saturday night. If youre ok with that lemme know and if not then close this or whatever. Also if u allow ot juat choose topic

[symetrik]

Verses are due sat anyways, so I'm fine with an ext to sunday if you need it. drive safe




introduce the hobble walk...

lost upon the leaves and twigs, far beyond the cobble top,
gravel ways and stoney paths,
death would ask directions like a scratch upon the phonograph,
Scholomance-y graduate, author of the dying wish,
beasts of all were scared of Skull, from mighty bears to flying fish,
this, perhaps, the first that death had ever really felt alone
where maps and compass magnets broke in searching where to go
so introduce the hobble walk...

swinging to, and so afraid his skele-head would topple off
the poorest Grim with nay the salt nor viscera to shed a tear
but rather watch the birds a-flock with screaming squawks that "Death is near!"
barely even dead a year... yet rep, it seemed, preceded.
so hung a weary scythe and jaw as forest fiends retreated.
"the nerve" - thought I - my humble home disturbed,
"the nerve of troops, of broods and droves, of colonies and herds."
the poorest Grim! he needed only guidance out.
and this the kind of welcoming? the hissing of the frightened crowds?
I shook the beard and cleared the bits of lumber dust,
"at very least", I thought to me, "respect the ones that humble us."
so introduce the hobble walk...

"hello! ahem, I... worry not. I'm not afraid!"... I waddled on.
stumbled once, and tripping as he ran to me,
I felt at ease that death, of me, was really truly glad to see.
"right away!... er, follow me!" I point along the path,
my liver spotted fingers grasp into his boney hands...
I told him all my plans. like, when I was a child,
I'd tell the trappers jokes, they wouldn't leave without a smile!
or, simple me at seventeen, how flustered by her laugh,
I sold my cow to buy her gifts in hopes to make it last.
we trod along like happy mice... whiskers to the breeze.
he asked me of the canopies and mysteries of trees
I told him all my secrets. my hobbies as a youth,
the reasons I had run away, and do what I can do,
to find the simple wonders... like cutting with a saw!
or, itching back against the stone that's covered with a moss,
honestly, I guess I shared an awful lot...

my mind, so full of memories, had finally wandered off.
the forest edge was closing in, I pointed him the way,
he motioned me to follow him... he wanted me to stay!
I took his brittle hand in mine. I'm ready for a friend,
though even I, and hermit kind, knows everything must end,
I shared a quiet smile... for surely he would know,
the cloak, scythe and toothy grin that walked so many home...
oh. finally I realize - who of us was truly lost.
I hope my friend will visit me until my coffin rots.

[Inno]

Yo ama show this some love in the mag @symetrik

[ACTIVATE SELF]

I thought you might like some feed on this. Considering the length of what you wrote I think it's safe to assume you put a decent amount of time into writing this verse. Thus, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

introduce the hobble walk...

Okay.

lost upon the leaves and twigs, far beyond the cobble top,
gravel ways and stoney paths,
death would ask directions like a scratch upon the phonograph,

"Cobble top" reads a little incomplete. I feel like you need to add the word road to it or something. But that's just me. On another note. I don't get the metaphorical correlation between "directions" and "phonograph".

Scholomance-y graduate,

I definitely had to Google search "Scholomance-y". I had no idea what or where that was. I'm glad I did though. Apparently, it's a fabled school of black magic that is run by the Devil in the World of Warcraft mythology. I've never played that game, but I think it's a really good reference to use and it fits perfectly within the context of your story.

author of the dying wish,
beasts of all were scared of Skull, from mighty bears to flying fish,
this, perhaps, the first that death had ever really felt alone

Is "Skull" his name? Also, if you're gonna personify death than the 'd' needs to be captialized to make the distinction between the concept and the physical embodiment of it.

"Author of the dying wish" is dope phraseology. I love it.

Death seems like he would be a lonely entity by virtue of his duty. But, perhaps my perspective is skewed. Maybe since something or someone somewhere is always dying Death is never truly alone. Instead, he/it is always greeting those that passaway. Interesting perspective. I like it.

where maps and compass magnets broke in searching where to go
so introduce the hobble walk...

I like the visual you've presented and how you've expressed the idea of this "lost" place via the adverse effects it has on navigational instruments. That's cool.

swinging to, and so afraid his skele-head would topple off

"Skele-head"? I don't like it.

the poorest Grim with nay the salt nor viscera to shed a tear

A "viscera" is an internal organ, right? I'm curious to find out what it's functionality has to do with crying.

but rather watch the birds a-flock with screaming squawks that "Death is near!"

I dig that.

barely even dead a year... yet rep, it seemed, preceded.
so hung a weary scythe and jaw as forest fiends retreated.
"the nerve" - thought I - my humble home disturbed,
"the nerve of troops, of broods and droves, of colonies and herds."
the poorest Grim! he needed only guidance out.
and this the kind of welcoming? the hissing of the frightened crowds?

So, Death somehow gets lost in a mysterious forest. The hobbled man comes along to help him find his way, but is embarrassed by the lack of hospitality the creatures of the land have shown Death -- whom are all terrified for obvious reasons. Got it. Love the concept.

My only qualm is that it's not clear who has been dead for half a year. It's surely not the Grim. That would be a complete contradiction of the concept he embodies and a huge paradox in and of itself. Death isn't alive. Therefore, how could he possibly die? So if it isn't Death that's dead, than who is it, the hobbled man? If so, he doesn't seem to know and the writing made no previous indications to suggest he was dead. Fuck! I'm confusing myself. I'll just keep reading.

I shook the beard and cleared the bits of lumber dust,fat wife
"at very least", I thought to me, "respect the ones that humble us."

Bruh...

That is fire. I love the imagery, the poetics, the wisdom and the wording.

"hello! ahem, I... worry not. I'm not afraid!"... I waddled on.
stumbled once, and tripping as he ran to me,
I felt at ease that death, of me, was really truly glad to see.

Grammatically your writing is fine. Rhythmically it could use some work. Things like "really truly" read much too wordy. Trim down the excess superlatives to give your lines a cleaner and more concise finish. This will help your rhymes roll off the tongue more smoothly.

"right away!... er, follow me!" I point along the path,
my liver spotted fingers grasp into his boney hands...

Nice imagery.

I told him all my plans. like, when I was a child,
I'd tell the trappers jokes, they wouldn't leave without a smile!
or, simple me at seventeen, how flustered by her laugh,
I sold my cow to buy her gifts in hopes to make it last.
we trod along like happy mice... whiskers to the breeze.
he asked me of the canopies and mysteries of trees
I told him all my secrets. my hobbies as a youth,
the reasons I had run away, and do what I can do,

"and do what I can do" reads fragmented and like broken English. Everything before it reads flawlessly.

to find the simple wonders... like cutting with a saw!
or, itching back against the stone that's covered with a moss,
honestly, I guess I shared an awful lot...

my mind, so full of memories, had finally wandered off.
the forest edge was closing in, I pointed him the way,
he motioned me to follow him... he wanted me to stay!

Dooooope!

I took his brittle hand in mine. I'm ready for a friend,
though even I, and hermit kind, knows everything must end,
I shared a quiet smile... for surely he would know,
the cloak, scythe and toothy grin that walked so many home...
oh. finally I realize - who of us was truly lost.
I hope my friend will visit me until my coffin rots.

Meh.

I like the ending. Cool twist. Foreseeable, but still cool. I do feel the last line could have been worded better. It didn't hit me. No impact at all. Also, I think -- but maybe I'm wrong -- "realize" should be past tense (i.g. realized).

So this was a mid-tier drop. You're an excellent storyteller. Your poetic phrasing and language is exceptional. Your imagination is wild. I loved your premise. The only thing that's holding this piece back is your mechanics. Some of your wording is awkward and there are spots that lack fluid pacing. If you tweak those areas this verse will be one for the books. You got skills, man. I sincerely look forward to reading your next drop. This one peaked my interest.

[Diablo]

I figured I'd reply too seeing as I read it. This was probably your best showing thus far, it was easily your most "complete" feeling and well-rounded. The flow to it is your best angle/strength and you played to that well. The actual storyline seemed to get a little confusing, to the reader, and it could have used some more clarity as to why Death was lost etc maybe more character build up as to what events lead to him being there etc to give the story more impetus and drive to proceedings. What worked well here was the narrative tone to the writers voice, everything was in-keeping thematically (even if sometimes the wording came off a little awkward because of it). I too saw the ending coming, but it was still a pretty cool read all in all.

[Mr. J]

I read this expecting Pent to come through & drop some crazy ass verse.
Ive been watching you for some time Sym & you continue to pen some dope work.
the idea you brought to the table, though not original was very well thought out
the way the start of each section is a variation of hobble walk/cobble top is interesting.
one would think just adding together as their own little cryptic section would work.
but you make one look back to see the various ideas that you weave together...
and to be honest it works, I can look at this and feel like you have a few more tricks up your sleeve.
something to look forward to the rest of the season. I would say more about this but Im bored....so perhaps Ill go write & maybe come back to stroke your ego some more

[MMLP]

Sym - i lked this verse, made this worth the effort. shame Pent no showed however I feel even he would have struggled against this. Nitpicking first off though, I didn't like the cobble walk/ top opening line, it felt out of place but as the flow swept the story from there it became plausible and you entered this realm of thought where you created a world around the picture and rays commendable. The topic developed at a decent pace, the characters were a little underdeveloped tho, thinking about it but that seems a lil harsh maybe. But the settings were there and it's essentially your flow that carried this throughout for me, that was the biggest highlight for me., I ALWAYS appreciate a twist n realise they are so hard to pull off, it was good enough to close things out well and round them up nicely. Good to see there r still active writers, didnt expect such a low turnout but it was xmas tbf. Shame this piece was tested competitively.