deadman, thumbprint

dead man · 11-21-2016, 08:22 PM

how

do we manage. peace of paper and the power of plastic
we follow our pasts. monochromatic both our voter and ballot
show me a stance. hold my hand and walk me up to the attic
wipe the dust from your madness. hold my breath
drop it under a bridge that's overgrown with debris
burning tires for warmth when it's 11 degrees
snowdust on my window where initials are rubbed
thumbprint diaries. black metal as a symbol of love
intellectually stunted. neurosis levels second to none
revolution is a concept but it never begun
to lose yourself creatively is locket and key
if it opens you can stare at it continuously
gravel roads to shallow graves. cadillac to masquerade
mask and cape the combination. evildoers, lock the safe
emancipation proclamation. freedom in a cotton state
typing in an office eating vitamins and coffee cake
who are we to offer what we never obtained
relating to eachother is exceptionally painful
empathic obligation via social exchanges
over statuses and Absolut and telephone games
methadone and prednisone and varicose veins
and it was never the same. so it goes, far away.
do-si-do, eau de frayed fabric over our faces
hold me in place so i can recreate a time of engagement
where we really engaged. stick around, si vous plait
let me please count the ways you make me sick everyday.
countdown from 26 and you can light me a smoke
for every breath you take. there's cops and riots. provoke
policeman in the entryway of Ida B. Wells
RIP the buildings we were born in and dwelled
brick wall barbecues. winter boots and hennessey cups
recollected all my childhood but its never enough
watch your breath collect on windows. carve initials in fog
curl your lip into a smirk until the symbol is gone
system of a downward spiral. something is wrong
when we're screaming insecurities and whispering songs
let me into your autumn. your oranges and auburn
the force of your fall echoes endlessly from doorway to hall
nothing more than a fraud. nothing less than pristine
spending life hoping death is but a sensible dream
float along, gentle swan. you're a graceful mirage
kept forever in the safety of a masonry jar
you haven't left me thus far. that's quite a shot in the dark
cause nothing lasts forever, says the chalk on the wall.

dead man

PancakeBrah · 12-03-2016, 12:24 AM

watch your breath collect on windows. carve initials in fog
curl your lip into a smirk until the symbol is gone
system of a downward spiral. something is wrong
when we're screaming insecurities and whispering songs
let me into your autumn. your oranges and auburn
the force of your fall echoes endlessly from doorway to hall
nothing more than a fraud. nothing less than pristine
spending life hoping death is but a sensible dream
float along, gentle swan.

i mean, what the fuck is anyone else trying for.

UnbornBuddha · 12-21-2016, 05:11 AM

Awesome, especially the part that Pancake quoted. That part is where you go bananas. The cadence is what makes this piece so elegant. The rhythm is what keeps the reader want to continue to read more.

Peace

Insanevillain · 12-28-2016, 10:22 PM

good verse... really liked the imagery and vocab you displayed

oats · 06-29-2017, 06:41 AM

this verse reminded me of something I heard from a friend, though I'm not sure if the phrasing originated from him or not. but he said we all have our footprints - the things we leave behind in the world like accomplishments, litter, etc. And then we have our handprints, the impressions we make on other people. both are our legacies. the idea of a thumbprint is interesting to me here, because it's the thing that makes us most unique. fingerprints are unique within our species, but our thumbs make us (more or less) unique among the animal kingdom as a whole.

starting off by asking "how do we manage" kicks it off, because that's kind of at the core of everything. like, we're smart, evolved, physically capable creatures who have the exact same problems, in essence, as everything else - how do we manage? the rest, to me, felt like a cascade of images and references and flashbacks and implications that try to answer that question. which comes back to the whole footprint/handprint/thumbprint thing. we manage by being petty and beautiful and sad all at once, because that's what it means to live in the world. the boldfaced part Cake mentioned was great because it was a solid image of transience, but I equally liked the "recollected my childhood but it's never enough" line. speaks to my nostalgia, especially because I don't recollect so much of my childhood, but it doesn't matter because what I really want is a do-over in life, to actually go back and live my childhood and feel what it felt like again, which is impossible.

anyway, this was really good, as usual. I'm going to start saving your verses on my computer in the event that another crash happens and these are lost. though do understand, I do it begrudgingly and regardless of your consent; you're too good to be that idiotic with your work. fucking save them on a word doc or email them to yourself or something. jesus.

veritas · 06-29-2017, 10:17 AM

Here is another example. The common thread in alot of your pieces is the loss. I take it to mean a female? A failed relationship? Love lost? Or is it something deeper? Please give me an indication that I am on the right path to decoding the main theme of your work, sir.

Tha Pastor Reach Yeah · 07-01-2017, 08:41 AM

I feel like this is maybe the best piece I've ever read from you. The emotion and the imagery were crisp and clear throughout the whole verse. Nothing had me guessing as to what you were talking about. The emotion was really strong and moving - the images you described were quite intimate, tender, carried a lot of personal feeling. That was probably what really elevated this whole verse.

I think you pretty much damn near perfected the poetry/hip hop influenced text writing here, seriously.

"gravel roads to shallow graves. cadillac to masquerade
mask and cape the combination. evildoers, lock the safe
emancipation proclamation. freedom in a cotton state
typing in an office eating vitamins and coffee cake"

"who are we to offer what we never obtained
relating to eachother is exceptionally painful
empathic obligation via social exchanges
over statuses and Absolut and telephone games
methadone and prednisone and varicose veins
and it was never the same. so it goes, far away.
do-si-do, eau de frayed fabric over our faces
hold me in place so i can recreate a time of engagement"

The blend of dirt realism, real emotions and masterful poetry took this to an incredibly high level of writing.

I'd consider this as a HOF piece. Anyone else agree with me on this? I'll come back and re-read and maybe see about it.

11-21-2016, 08:22 PM	#1
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	deadman, thumbprint how do we manage. peace of paper and the power of plastic we follow our pasts. monochromatic both our voter and ballot show me a stance. hold my hand and walk me up to the attic wipe the dust from your madness. hold my breath drop it under a bridge that's overgrown with debris burning tires for warmth when it's 11 degrees snowdust on my window where initials are rubbed thumbprint diaries. black metal as a symbol of love intellectually stunted. neurosis levels second to none revolution is a concept but it never begun to lose yourself creatively is locket and key if it opens you can stare at it continuously gravel roads to shallow graves. cadillac to masquerade mask and cape the combination. evildoers, lock the safe emancipation proclamation. freedom in a cotton state typing in an office eating vitamins and coffee cake who are we to offer what we never obtained relating to eachother is exceptionally painful empathic obligation via social exchanges over statuses and Absolut and telephone games methadone and prednisone and varicose veins and it was never the same. so it goes, far away. do-si-do, eau de frayed fabric over our faces hold me in place so i can recreate a time of engagement where we really engaged. stick around, si vous plait let me please count the ways you make me sick everyday. countdown from 26 and you can light me a smoke for every breath you take. there's cops and riots. provoke policeman in the entryway of Ida B. Wells RIP the buildings we were born in and dwelled brick wall barbecues. winter boots and hennessey cups recollected all my childhood but its never enough watch your breath collect on windows. carve initials in fog curl your lip into a smirk until the symbol is gone system of a downward spiral. something is wrong when we're screaming insecurities and whispering songs let me into your autumn. your oranges and auburn the force of your fall echoes endlessly from doorway to hall nothing more than a fraud. nothing less than pristine spending life hoping death is but a sensible dream float along, gentle swan. you're a graceful mirage kept forever in the safety of a masonry jar you haven't left me thus far. that's quite a shot in the dark cause nothing lasts forever, says the chalk on the wall. dead man __________________ Zack Wicks for president

12-03-2016, 12:24 AM	#2
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	watch your breath collect on windows. carve initials in fog curl your lip into a smirk until the symbol is gone system of a downward spiral. something is wrong when we're screaming insecurities and whispering songs let me into your autumn. your oranges and auburn the force of your fall echoes endlessly from doorway to hall nothing more than a fraud. nothing less than pristine spending life hoping death is but a sensible dream float along, gentle swan. i mean, what the fuck is anyone else trying for. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

06-29-2017, 06:41 AM	#5
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	this verse reminded me of something I heard from a friend, though I'm not sure if the phrasing originated from him or not. but he said we all have our footprints - the things we leave behind in the world like accomplishments, litter, etc. And then we have our handprints, the impressions we make on other people. both are our legacies. the idea of a thumbprint is interesting to me here, because it's the thing that makes us most unique. fingerprints are unique within our species, but our thumbs make us (more or less) unique among the animal kingdom as a whole. starting off by asking "how do we manage" kicks it off, because that's kind of at the core of everything. like, we're smart, evolved, physically capable creatures who have the exact same problems, in essence, as everything else - how do we manage? the rest, to me, felt like a cascade of images and references and flashbacks and implications that try to answer that question. which comes back to the whole footprint/handprint/thumbprint thing. we manage by being petty and beautiful and sad all at once, because that's what it means to live in the world. the boldfaced part Cake mentioned was great because it was a solid image of transience, but I equally liked the "recollected my childhood but it's never enough" line. speaks to my nostalgia, especially because I don't recollect so much of my childhood, but it doesn't matter because what I really want is a do-over in life, to actually go back and live my childhood and feel what it felt like again, which is impossible. anyway, this was really good, as usual. I'm going to start saving your verses on my computer in the event that another crash happens and these are lost. though do understand, I do it begrudgingly and regardless of your consent; you're too good to be that idiotic with your work. fucking save them on a word doc or email them to yourself or something. jesus. __________________ You should be water

12-21-2016, 05:11 AM	#3
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Awesome, especially the part that Pancake quoted. That part is where you go bananas. The cadence is what makes this piece so elegant. The rhythm is what keeps the reader want to continue to read more. Peace

12-28-2016, 10:22 PM	#4
Insanevillain Member Join Date: May 2016 Posts: 44 Rep Power: 0	good verse... really liked the imagery and vocab you displayed

07-01-2017, 08:41 AM	#7
Tha Pastor Reach Yeah Allan o dywyllwch Join Date: Jul 2016 Posts: 163 Battle Record: 10-0 Champed - AOWL Season 7 - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 514460	I feel like this is maybe the best piece I've ever read from you. The emotion and the imagery were crisp and clear throughout the whole verse. Nothing had me guessing as to what you were talking about. The emotion was really strong and moving - the images you described were quite intimate, tender, carried a lot of personal feeling. That was probably what really elevated this whole verse. I think you pretty much damn near perfected the poetry/hip hop influenced text writing here, seriously. "gravel roads to shallow graves. cadillac to masquerade mask and cape the combination. evildoers, lock the safe emancipation proclamation. freedom in a cotton state typing in an office eating vitamins and coffee cake" "who are we to offer what we never obtained relating to eachother is exceptionally painful empathic obligation via social exchanges over statuses and Absolut and telephone games methadone and prednisone and varicose veins and it was never the same. so it goes, far away. do-si-do, eau de frayed fabric over our faces hold me in place so i can recreate a time of engagement" The blend of dirt realism, real emotions and masterful poetry took this to an incredibly high level of writing. I'd consider this as a HOF piece. Anyone else agree with me on this? I'll come back and re-read and maybe see about it.