A letter to home (AOWL NS)

Echo · 03-21-2016, 07:43 AM

Dearest Lynnette,

Times been ticking away in the busiest way. It's been 62 days since I convinced you to stay. Ridiculous, babe. I found work on the Dock unloading the Ships. The only perks of the job are feeling broken and shit. I'm almost certain the mob are controlling the lists but they pay, so you're a joke if you quit. I take the loot instead. There's a lot of violence too from the Irish crew when they lose a bet. I try to steer clear of the guys that shoot a debt.
----------- New York is massive! I'm such a dork in traffic which probably makes sense to you, knowing how I tend to move. I've mentioned you to a friend or two. I guess I find it helpful to. It's all hustle and bustle in expensive suits. Huge crowds that cruise town. I jump on a bus when it's too loud. I listen to the machine's smooth sound to cool down from a mood swing. My apartment is too big. It's dark with a new fridge. I think there's a compartment for tool-kits. Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn.
----------- The City's alive. It's a gift to describe. She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic. Full of love yet pedantic. Seen through rose-tinted glasses it's still broken and half lit by the color of ash. Stubborn and brash. Mysterious of shape and thought. Yet serious, you can't shake it off. Irate and soft, the essence controlling. It takes mere seconds to know when New York beckons, it's owning.
----------- I miss you. I miss the curve of your nose. Imperfect and whole. I miss the grass-stained dirt on your clothes from laying turf for a Rose and how your back hurts in the cold but you're full of mirth when it snows. I'm out of my depth here. Down and depressed, dear. I fear to forget the lines on your face when you frown and your neck sears. Each one divine and in place. The half-smile for me alone. This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold. It's truly a sin how you wear beauty as skin. Moving this pen I ache for when you soothe me again.

Yours Truly,

it's Tim

Pharaohs Army · 03-21-2016, 01:35 PM

very impressive rhyming
nice
dare i say dope. yeah dope

The half-smile for me alone.
i like this phrase, concisely shows a bond

here is my one critique
This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold.
There is something about this structurally that makes it less smooth than the rest of the piece. Yes, even when re-read or slowed/sped. Upon further examination I'd suggest a comma or period after the word "hold", but that is just my personal opinion.
Also not sure what the first sentence means "The past while i can't see it, though"

Tone-wise I think you successfully portrayed what you were going for
Can feel Tim's connection with (and longing for) Lynn

*Edit: I don't like my suggestion about the comma anymore. That doesn't work- splits it too much. Was tricky line for text but I've got it now.
iLove to rap this bruh, thanks

Pinot Grij · 03-21-2016, 04:12 PM

Yo, I was extremely impressed by this verse. The flow was buttery and the transition between rhymes was natural. The story flowed as well. There were some hiccups with a few rhyme choice options that were a little weird, but overall the readability of the lilting flow kinda overshadowed those flaws.

A couple spots that were hiccups for me - "broken and shit", not really the kinda stuff you'd find in a love letter.

"I've mentioned you to a friend or two." - that's dope.
"Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn." - dope.
"She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic." - dope

The closing paragraph was appropriately romantic and emotional. Nice details in there and it was very nice that the signoff fit the scheme as well. You also immersed your piece in the period, which is always hard to do.

Overall, a very smooth and fun read.

Echo · 03-23-2016, 07:24 PM

thanks a lot, guys

Echo · 03-31-2016, 01:35 PM

nearly 80 views and only 2 comments. any more? ill rtf

Echo · 04-15-2016, 08:14 AM

^^^^

sral · 04-15-2016, 09:56 AM

Want me to go through what I didn't like, TJ?

Artifice · 04-15-2016, 10:25 AM

I thought this piece was really dope. I don't find I can always find the flow throughout an entire piece easily when it's formatted in regular prose form, but i had no trouble here. Start to finish, it was an easy and enjoyable read.

Quote:

New York is massive! I'm such a dork in traffic which probably makes sense to you, knowing how I tend to move. I've mentioned you to a friend or two. I guess I find it helpful to. It's all hustle and bustle in expensive suits.

That part right there was very nice. The only change I would make (and maybe it's a personal choice) is i would change 'i guess i find it helpful to' to 'i guess i find it helps me to' as I think it helps carry that scheme slightly better in that bar. But, maybe it depends on your pronounciation/accent.

Quote:

Huge crowds that cruise town. I jump on a bus when it's too loud. I listen to the machine's smooth sound to cool down from a mood swing. My apartment is too big. It's dark with a new fridge. I think there's a compartment for tool-kits. Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn.

this too was quite nice. The only part of it that felt out of place to me was the 'i think there's a compartment for tool-kits' segment. It has nothing to do with the flow per se, I just felt like the subject of the rhyme stuck out as odd to me.

Quote:

I miss you. I miss the curve of your nose. Imperfect and whole. I miss the grass-stained dirt on your clothes from laying turf for a Rose and how your back hurts in the cold but you're full of mirth when it snows.

This flowed smooth as silk. Love it. Descriptive, emotional, vivid.

Quote:

This past while I can't see it, though.

I think I get what you did with this line. I'm guessing you played on the passed/past wordplay. I dug it, simple but effective. Plus...

Quote:

Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold. It's truly a sin how you wear beauty as skin. Moving this pen I ache for when you soothe me again.

Yours Truly,

it's Tim

with this closer, you finished the piece off solid.

Thanks for the read, truly enjoyed it, and has inspired me to spend some time on my verse in the AOWL this week.

Orc · 04-15-2016, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sraL

Want me to go through what I didn't like, TJ?

dont focus on the negatives, bruv

sral · 04-15-2016, 11:08 AM

nah I just thought it's more helpful to you than a simple "this was dope" and copy/pasting a few lines I liked

we're past that

Orc · 04-15-2016, 11:12 AM

yeah man i agree, have at it

thanks pal @Artifice

Mr. J · 04-15-2016, 04:06 PM

its a great letter piece and the style is really what drives it..
maybe I should have went the same route the piece that I did
I E the newspaper article, but this was pretty smooth to the end
hopefully your return will help influence our friends..
the whole paragraph style has disappeared in most recent days
I thought it brought a balance to the OM & reading this is great
you put the reader in the antagonists shoes & it works
I would break it down with some quoted inserts.
but I feel it takes away from the whole *vibe* of the piece
tbh the whole battle to topical is something nice to see...
you better show this week right @Adonis
you make the cut like scissors...lesbihonest

03-21-2016, 07:43 AM	#1
Echo heard it all before Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 59 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 83702	A letter to home (AOWL NS) Dearest Lynnette, Times been ticking away in the busiest way. It's been 62 days since I convinced you to stay. Ridiculous, babe. I found work on the Dock unloading the Ships. The only perks of the job are feeling broken and shit. I'm almost certain the mob are controlling the lists but they pay, so you're a joke if you quit. I take the loot instead. There's a lot of violence too from the Irish crew when they lose a bet. I try to steer clear of the guys that shoot a debt. ----------- New York is massive! I'm such a dork in traffic which probably makes sense to you, knowing how I tend to move. I've mentioned you to a friend or two. I guess I find it helpful to. It's all hustle and bustle in expensive suits. Huge crowds that cruise town. I jump on a bus when it's too loud. I listen to the machine's smooth sound to cool down from a mood swing. My apartment is too big. It's dark with a new fridge. I think there's a compartment for tool-kits. Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn. ----------- The City's alive. It's a gift to describe. She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic. Full of love yet pedantic. Seen through rose-tinted glasses it's still broken and half lit by the color of ash. Stubborn and brash. Mysterious of shape and thought. Yet serious, you can't shake it off. Irate and soft, the essence controlling. It takes mere seconds to know when New York beckons, it's owning. ----------- I miss you. I miss the curve of your nose. Imperfect and whole. I miss the grass-stained dirt on your clothes from laying turf for a Rose and how your back hurts in the cold but you're full of mirth when it snows. I'm out of my depth here. Down and depressed, dear. I fear to forget the lines on your face when you frown and your neck sears. Each one divine and in place. The half-smile for me alone. This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold. It's truly a sin how you wear beauty as skin. Moving this pen I ache for when you soothe me again. Yours Truly, it's Tim __________________ ''if you're committed enough, you can make any story work. i once told a woman i was Kevin Costner, and it worked because i believed it.''

03-21-2016, 01:35 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	very impressive rhyming nice dare i say dope. yeah dope The half-smile for me alone. i like this phrase, concisely shows a bond here is my one critique This past while I can't see it, though. Even so; I miss your feel and hold and how no matter where we are your feet are cold. There is something about this structurally that makes it less smooth than the rest of the piece. Yes, even when re-read or slowed/sped. Upon further examination I'd suggest a comma or period after the word "hold", but that is just my personal opinion. Also not sure what the first sentence means "The past while i can't see it, though" Tone-wise I think you successfully portrayed what you were going for Can feel Tim's connection with (and longing for) Lynn Edit: I don't like my suggestion about the comma anymore. That doesn't work- splits it too much. Was tricky line for text but I've got it now. iLove to rap this bruh, thanks Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 03-21-2016 at 02:08 PM. Reason:

03-21-2016, 04:12 PM	#3
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Yo, I was extremely impressed by this verse. The flow was buttery and the transition between rhymes was natural. The story flowed as well. There were some hiccups with a few rhyme choice options that were a little weird, but overall the readability of the lilting flow kinda overshadowed those flaws. A couple spots that were hiccups for me - "broken and shit", not really the kinda stuff you'd find in a love letter. "I've mentioned you to a friend or two." - that's dope. "Honestly, I haven't really started to move in because I left my heart there with you, Lynn." - dope. "She's both tough and romantic. A hub for the frantic." - dope The closing paragraph was appropriately romantic and emotional. Nice details in there and it was very nice that the signoff fit the scheme as well. You also immersed your piece in the period, which is always hard to do. Overall, a very smooth and fun read. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.

03-23-2016, 07:24 PM	#4
Echo heard it all before Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 59 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 83702	thanks a lot, guys __________________ ''if you're committed enough, you can make any story work. i once told a woman i was Kevin Costner, and it worked because i believed it.''

03-31-2016, 01:35 PM	#5
Echo heard it all before Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 59 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 83702	nearly 80 views and only 2 comments. any more? ill rtf __________________ ''if you're committed enough, you can make any story work. i once told a woman i was Kevin Costner, and it worked because i believed it.''

04-15-2016, 08:14 AM	#6
Echo heard it all before Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 59 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 83702	^^^^ __________________ ''if you're committed enough, you can make any story work. i once told a woman i was Kevin Costner, and it worked because i believed it.''

04-15-2016, 09:56 AM	#7
sral LARSLARSLARSLARSLARS Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: CRUMPETVILLE Posts: 8,605 Battle Record: 28-3 Champed - Gimmick Battle League - The Winter Topical - Topical Martyrs - Lime Green Poetry Association - Lyric Olympics - Art of Writing League - Guerrilla Writing League (2x) - Black August II Rep Power: 85899396	Want me to go through what I didn't like, TJ? __________________ - Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)

04-15-2016, 11:08 AM	#10
sral LARSLARSLARSLARSLARS Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: CRUMPETVILLE Posts: 8,605 Battle Record: 28-3 Champed - Gimmick Battle League - The Winter Topical - Topical Martyrs - Lime Green Poetry Association - Lyric Olympics - Art of Writing League - Guerrilla Writing League (2x) - Black August II Rep Power: 85899396	nah I just thought it's more helpful to you than a simple "this was dope" and copy/pasting a few lines I liked we're past that __________________ - Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)

04-15-2016, 11:12 AM	#11
Orc Certified Mother’s Boy Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 5,163 Battle Record: 5-1 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - NBL Season 4 - GBL Season 1 - Lyric Olympics - Fight Night LXVI - Fight Night LX - Fight Night (3x) - NBL Picture Roast - Netcees Battle League (8x) - NBL Picture League - Gimmick Battle League - BA Tag Team - 1-2 Punch League - NBL Cypher (3x) - Battle Arena League - OM HOF (2x) Rep Power: 85899393	yeah man i agree, have at it thanks pal @Artifice

04-15-2016, 04:06 PM	#12
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	its a great letter piece and the style is really what drives it.. maybe I should have went the same route the piece that I did I E the newspaper article, but this was pretty smooth to the end hopefully your return will help influence our friends.. the whole paragraph style has disappeared in most recent days I thought it brought a balance to the OM & reading this is great you put the reader in the antagonists shoes & it works I would break it down with some quoted inserts. but I feel it takes away from the whole vibe of the piece tbh the whole battle to topical is something nice to see... you better show this week right @Adonis you make the cut like scissors...lesbihonest __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you