Week 5: Asylum vs. Adonis (ASYLUM WINS 4-3)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/3 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/5 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:




Good luck to both participants. @asylum (2-2) @Adonis (1-1)

[Adonis]

.

Mark was just a kid, earning a wage
Plowing, tilling, sowing; burning through days
Mark knew of fun but had priorities monitored
A scholar in labor, taught mostly what’s honorable
Sweating bullets daily in this blazing sun of a gun
A back aching…Normal like thundering lungs
Not so much panting and wheezing as handling and heaving
The oldest of twelve, understanding work means his family’s feeding
Mark had no time for school while attending the working class
On a roll to last, deserving an earthly sash
At night, the lot would hurdle round the radio
Listening entertainment is suitably favorable
He remembered the warmth, that feeling that glowed
A connected bond through a group of siblings bestowed
*Suddenly, a fast paced accent begins*
“We interrupt this program within,
Volunteers fell short of the mark asked,
President Willson just passed a bill; THE DRAFT!”
Teenage Mark’s path quickly revolved three-sixty degrees
Sent to Germany in weeks with his family left sifting debris
Switched from GI Joe Figurines to blasting Jerry's** to smithereens
But karma means each high ends in a dive-down to misery
*A loud blast sends Private Jones back to reality*
His squadron is scattered with shrapnel as casualties
A flashing cannon projects through his brain
Private Jones sees his family, each synapse is a frame
He’s clutching a rosary, awaiting whats next
A bomb connects, two lips pucker…The kissing of death




**Jerry is a slur referring to the shape of german helmets**

.

[asylum]

He kissed the cross and said a hail mary,
Bullets rained like hail as they bailed water out of their landing craft.
Standing aft. Bullets pelted his companions fast,
and Ryan moved from behind his friend as he passed,
before running the gambit he saw squirts of MG led beating the ground and men bleeding,
he saw bullets slaughtering Sons with Daughters and Fathers at home from belts feeding,
rounds that spread heat in deadly spurts, Ryan could feel it's heat melting,
the ground before him as his right foot suck into the turf.
Swallowed by a sinkhole from an artillery shell that recently fell,
stuck in the briefest of hells, out in the open he looked up and felt,
both eyes of the German as he sighted him.
That single moment stretched for an eternity in his mind’s eye.
A dozen different emotions exploded with the tracer tracing a bright line.
On his right cheek, as he tightened his helmet,
not frightened, just hell bent. A shell sent it’s whispering hint and he left,
tucked and rolled behind a burm while a man manned a nest he’d recently pressed,
the clattering firing pin lit a fire inside of him you’ll never see alive in men,
until their minds have went into dark places some need to mind and mend.
The line was sent turning to meet an enemies flanking movement,
Because they needed ammo and reenforcing ranks to move in,
To counter an unending amount of troops sent.
Death invites you to it’s den, who lives and who dies’ decided by forces within,
dozens of steel tags adorned with identities, engorging the enemy,
with it’s million legs forming like centipedes.
Conform for an entity, engorged but remembered,
war torn flags burn to ashes and embers.

[Mr. J]

Adonis, I enjoyed your take on the picture though I know you had trouble
the fact you set up the scenery nicely made me feel like a part of the rubble
better make that double, because you worked in some unknown slang too
Unknown to me. but as I read on I couldnt believe how you had came through.
Setting up such an idea causes me to feel like I should focus more often.
you keep an amazing pace & really involve me into the vibe of the topic.
Kissing crosses seems like a hard issue to tackle deep in your atheist mind
but somehow you pulled it off in your piece & actually made it sublime!
this was a cool piece & Im glad to see you writing it makes my attendance worthwhile
*but dont complain about my rhyming votes you simplistic jerk....smile*

Asylum, you took the same approach, now I realize in the pic its a helmet
if I didnt overlook that main concern, my vote wouldnt seem so selfish.
your imagery creates such a vivid recollection that it makes me applaud you
you bring out the characters involvement as he asks himself *WWGod do*
I think thats what excites me about reading your piece as well as the use of aft
your ability to use such words shows me that you understand this beautiful craft
I will admit some lines seem off but I wont really hold too much against you
I know you were strapped for time this weekend. but this was truly eventful.
Although it does seem to contain the same concept as your photographer piece
the flow of it all coming together is what seems to truly astonish me...geez...

v/This is the toughest decision I made in awhile & it hurts
both competitors were intriguing in the development of their verse
at first I was leaning towards asylum but now Im leaning towards Adonis
asylums imagery is what really carried him with this topic.
my problem is in the previous week he had written another war story
Adonis' topic seemed more on point & seemed to do more for me
but I cant help but be addicted to the clean cut rhyme ready asylum style
I think Im going to go with Adonis because the emotion made me smile
both brought some heat this week & I would nom it for B O T W
it could go either way but I think Adonis is the one who stole the W

[Artifice]

Adonis

Great story, really told a lot and did it concisely. It not only seems like you're not new at this, but it seems like you've been doing it for a long time. And it shows. Created a backstory that gave the reader investment in them, then bam. good work.

Asylum,

I'm impressed by your word choice and use of descriptive language. You took a similar approach to Adonis, and executed it quite well. The flow was nice, you paced the story well, and your vocabulary helped describe the scene.

For me, this could also be BOTW, but I feel that Adonis' story grabbed me more, and it felt like it came to more of a definite end. Great reads from both.

v/ Adonis

[2tripple0]

Okay yeah this was close battle like you guys said....unfortanetely I can't name any criticism towards either piece....like the other voters said this should be up for botw.....now decision time and I think I'm going for Adonis on this one... Don't ask me why just felt his verse more so here you go.....


Vote: adonis

[Just Write]

Woooah, best battle I've read this season.
This is aowl battle hof material.

Adonis, very good for an atheist :p
Again your word choice is excellent and very natural, I love how everything Ive read from you (going way back) just rolls off the tongue so well. As far as the story goes you actually brought me back to some past situations I've been in... intense. I will say I think the beginning started off a little stronger. Great verse

Asylum, man dog... I think this is my favorite thing I've read from you, I really enjoyed this.. sincerely. Like Adonis your piece brought back some flashbacks for me and believe it or not I almost teared up in a couple parts.. as for your piece I think your closing portion was my favorite of you verse.

dozens of steel tags adorned with identities, engorging the enemy,
with it’s million legs forming like centipedes.
Conform for an entity, engorged but remembered,
war torn flags burn to ashes and embers.

Fuckin excellent writing man. The dog tags line hit me hard


In the toughest vote i've made this season asylum hit a little harder for me so he gets my vote in this very close battles. In this thread we're all winners for getting to read these 2 awesome verses

Mvgt= asylum

[Razah]

Adonis:

His squadron is scattered with shrapnel as casualties

Cool verse, short & sweet. Wording was on point, made the flow come off smoothly, I liked the alliteration in that bar I quoted. Besides that, it was an okay story which comes off as better due to the wording.

Asylum:

What’s going on with the rhyme scheme from the beginning? That was a little weird.

the clattering firing pin lit a fire inside of him you’ll never see alive in men,

I can’t really tell why, but I thought that was dope.

Because they needed ammo and reenforcing ranks to move in,
To counter an unending amount of troops sent.
Death invites you to it’s den, who lives and who dies’ decided by forces within,
dozens of steel tags adorned with identities, engorging the enemy,
with it’s million legs forming like centipedes.
Conform for an entity, engorged but remembered,
war torn flags burn to ashes and embers.

Solid closer, very very solid. At first read, I felt like the rhyming was all over the place and kind of jittery. I read the verse a second time, and it came off more natural and allowed me to enjoy what you wrote.

Easy vote for me, and I’m not even sure if it’s fair, I’m just putting Adonis at a standard where I expected a little more from him, but on the other hand, I expected less from Asylum and got more from his verse. Is that a good enough reason?? :/

vAsylum

[Frank]

MVGT Asylum

Clash of past and the present Moderator did not disappoint. Pardon the brevity. Close call, I leaned towards Asylum due to the pitch perfect word selection that totally encapsulated the picture more thoroughly I felt. Adonis back story failed to get into the meat and potatoes of the heart of the matter. Asylum head strong, head on approach edged this out, though his last line felt iffy from a strictly, conclusively executing stand point. Adonis well rounded analysis just fell short to Asylums immersive adaptation in a photo finish outcome.

[e11even]

Adonis- This was an okay piece. The first half led me on to believe it was a metaphor for war with the sweating bullets and the like, but those parts were but mere plays on words. Cool nonetheless. The second half was better, but the switch from the words misery to reality kinda felt jarring as a rhyme transition, not sure if that's just me. The kiss line at the end sealed this piece well however, and I appreciate your ability to write shorter and still deliver quality stories. One day I will dabble, but until then, good job.

asylum- First off, I'll start by saying- who says engorging in relation to empowering a mass of people? Then who says the root word twice in one piece? That was a little off for me lol. Now that that's out the way, this piece was awesome in the fact that you pretty much summed up the opening scene to Saving Private Ryan when the troop made landfall and Hanks witnessed this almost exactly. Great descriptors, turns of phrase ,and just above decent wording all around. It really started to flow about halfway through and that's when your rhyming and mechanics drove the car. Every time I read you it seems like I'm reading you for the first time, and it's kinda hilarious the way I always forget how good you are at rhyming. I liked your execution and I liked how passionate your piece read. Good job.

MVGT Asylum for the more enjoyable and imaginative read.