Alley Pup

symetrik · 03-21-2016, 12:39 PM

ns'd aowl piece. feed is important for me <3 thanks babes.

long fuzz face with a soft nose,
queen of the people in potato sack clothes,
falling to the earth like it's got gold.
diggy-dog work with her tiny little backhoes…
and those paws don't pause once 'ey at dirt.
step up on the turf, and they yap until the jaws hurt.
grr a little teeth like, "boy got nerves",
scared never there when the alpha go first,

but every dog thirst for that head rub, bad,
caution to the wind when the belly up scratch,
soft foot pad make a hand come back
rat-a-tat-tat and the left leg spaz.

... but they bolt fast, feet like rain
pitter pat slap on the stone brick lane
people might see that they don't feel safe
so I walk back home with my red tip cane.

Alice White · 03-23-2016, 05:08 PM

I think you went for a rather nice picture here, definitely a more cheerful one.
The first line really stands out in terms of descriptiveness and directness, I like the visualisation of what's perceived. Short and nice. Now, you had a nice metaphoric attempt in your next line, the wording kind of hindered the symbolic depth in its full potential, though. But what I like about the subtle depth of "potato sack clothes" is the contrast to the previous line. Although I couldn't "see" a direct linkage to your opening line, I appreciate the unconventional break in patterns. I also liked the assonance in the "step up on the turf" bit, a strong direct talk approach again which is incorporated well. Wasn't feeling the next line though, I like what you were going for, but I think the wording isn't fully thought out here.

I thoroughly liked your last stanza. The ending was nicely and clearly depicted, not overly original, but also not too foreseeable given the references in the beginning of your verse. It had a good balance of the directness and yet a degree of subtleness to it, which you also had in the very beginning. It seemed like you kind of rushed the middle part, though.

Overall, a nice verse.

Dabble MC · 03-24-2016, 01:37 PM

good job semtrik.

I think this was cool, but after a ton of folks dropped on this pic, its kinda lost its luster for me.

but as a stand alone, this was a cool little fun read.

keep doing awesome things semtrik. the universe appreciates it.

03-21-2016, 12:39 PM	#1
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 708 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 12429299	Alley Pup ns'd aowl piece. feed is important for me <3 thanks babes. long fuzz face with a soft nose, queen of the people in potato sack clothes, falling to the earth like it's got gold. diggy-dog work with her tiny little backhoes… and those paws don't pause once 'ey at dirt. step up on the turf, and they yap until the jaws hurt. grr a little teeth like, "boy got nerves", scared never there when the alpha go first, but every dog thirst for that head rub, bad, caution to the wind when the belly up scratch, soft foot pad make a hand come back rat-a-tat-tat and the left leg spaz. ... but they bolt fast, feet like rain pitter pat slap on the stone brick lane people might see that they don't feel safe so I walk back home with my red tip cane.

03-23-2016, 05:08 PM	#2
Alice White Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 72 Rep Power: 0	I think you went for a rather nice picture here, definitely a more cheerful one. The first line really stands out in terms of descriptiveness and directness, I like the visualisation of what's perceived. Short and nice. Now, you had a nice metaphoric attempt in your next line, the wording kind of hindered the symbolic depth in its full potential, though. But what I like about the subtle depth of "potato sack clothes" is the contrast to the previous line. Although I couldn't "see" a direct linkage to your opening line, I appreciate the unconventional break in patterns. I also liked the assonance in the "step up on the turf" bit, a strong direct talk approach again which is incorporated well. Wasn't feeling the next line though, I like what you were going for, but I think the wording isn't fully thought out here. I thoroughly liked your last stanza. The ending was nicely and clearly depicted, not overly original, but also not too foreseeable given the references in the beginning of your verse. It had a good balance of the directness and yet a degree of subtleness to it, which you also had in the very beginning. It seemed like you kind of rushed the middle part, though. Overall, a nice verse. __________________ https://theprincesstroll.wordpress.com

03-24-2016, 01:37 PM	#3
Dabble MC Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Location: BAMF-Ville Posts: 44 Rep Power: 79524	good job semtrik. I think this was cool, but after a ton of folks dropped on this pic, its kinda lost its luster for me. but as a stand alone, this was a cool little fun read. keep doing awesome things semtrik. the universe appreciates it. __________________ Genocide Goes World Peace