A Twisted Fate

Mr. J · 03-11-2016, 03:46 AM

I am a mere mortal staring into the abyss left behind
you chose to step aside & my foolish hopes were kept alive
truth is you came at the worst of times & the best of times
the perfect balance could only corrupt such an excessive lie
this myriad of emotions would only cause us more pain
perhaps this is why we have grown cautious...your name...
echoes at midnight. then it settles with goodbye...
growing weary...the pot can see what the kettle looks like.
my thoughts become rattled by a mistake made again
how could I allow myself to let light out & let the raven in
my escape is waiting in a glass bottle set free seaside
you corrupt my thoughts, swallow my pride in a complete lie
you feast with your demons while I struggle to feed mine
I fear this wall of a facade is harder to keep up than I realized
yet I try to find an answer thats instilled in a rumor...
I am dwelling in the past while you're building a future....

Alice White · 03-11-2016, 12:15 PM

Scheme-wise, this was intriguing. I really liked your switch ups and rhyming patterns, along with a quite nice usage of multis. Now content-wise, this was quite different from what I've seen from you so far! I really appreciate the strikingly poetic tone and subtle abstractness behind some of the lines. Some of the lit. elements you employed really helped painting a vivid picture,

mere mortal
the pot can see what the kettle looks like

your emotions and "subtle" anger were conveyed very nicely.

you feast with your demons while I struggle to feed mine

Thought this line stood really out with a nice contrast, a rather common comparison but your approach was original, imo.

Overall, an enjoyable read!

Mr. J · 03-16-2016, 12:57 AM

hey thanks...I was trying to work out a concept for my AOWL piece but felt bored with keeping up the old broken approach.
sometimes I want to do something fun...this wasnt one of those moments

03-11-2016, 03:46 AM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	A Twisted Fate I am a mere mortal staring into the abyss left behind you chose to step aside & my foolish hopes were kept alive truth is you came at the worst of times & the best of times the perfect balance could only corrupt such an excessive lie this myriad of emotions would only cause us more pain perhaps this is why we have grown cautious...your name... echoes at midnight. then it settles with goodbye... growing weary...the pot can see what the kettle looks like. my thoughts become rattled by a mistake made again how could I allow myself to let light out & let the raven in my escape is waiting in a glass bottle set free seaside you corrupt my thoughts, swallow my pride in a complete lie you feast with your demons while I struggle to feed mine I fear this wall of a facade is harder to keep up than I realized yet I try to find an answer thats instilled in a rumor... I am dwelling in the past while you're building a future.... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

03-11-2016, 12:15 PM	#2
Alice White Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 72 Rep Power: 0	Scheme-wise, this was intriguing. I really liked your switch ups and rhyming patterns, along with a quite nice usage of multis. Now content-wise, this was quite different from what I've seen from you so far! I really appreciate the strikingly poetic tone and subtle abstractness behind some of the lines. Some of the lit. elements you employed really helped painting a vivid picture, mere mortal the pot can see what the kettle looks like your emotions and "subtle" anger were conveyed very nicely. you feast with your demons while I struggle to feed mine Thought this line stood really out with a nice contrast, a rather common comparison but your approach was original, imo. Overall, an enjoyable read! __________________ https://theprincesstroll.wordpress.com

03-16-2016, 12:57 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	hey thanks...I was trying to work out a concept for my AOWL piece but felt bored with keeping up the old broken approach. sometimes I want to do something fun...this wasnt one of those moments __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you