Razah 5-3 vs NYCSPITZ 3-1 - RAZAH 6-3

[sral]

Week AOWL Season V, Week 11


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!



Topic:

G/Luck

@Razah @NYCSPITZ

[Razah]

Word.

[Razah]

The talent I molded could never diminish in time
Envision how vicious, it was made in this image of mine
The right words will make you mimic a mime
Speechless- That's only a glimpse of my mind
Not complete yet it's fixed in a frame
Too much pressure and it's lynched by the same
The most vivid of lyrics couldn't mirror the pain
Of your soul being judged through the picture it paints
& the paint brush is made from the fire inside
Thoughts lie in my mind, like death, colliding with life
& light overcomes as I rise with the tide
'Til I set with the sun & the sky will be dry
Then a tear drops, slowly a river is formed
I wonder, what's the scene like in that image of yours
Is it distorted or more, was it made from your pain
Did it come from your joy or anger & rage
Both are beautiful; but I took it as precious
With in time, I had a book full of sketches
I hate what I paint when it's actually best
Or is it disaster & death-
Forever a student until I master the pen.

[NYCSPITZ]

The centrifugal force of his roundhouse kick breaks the everlast seams
as master Oshin tenderly fingers where the color in his denim recedes
87 years old - it seemed like such a light and effortless blow...
but such is his control over chi; both the beneficial and venemous flows
Jason stands there amazed - he squats 5 plates, benches 4 without breaking a sweat
but muscle density couldn't match the time span of this irregular vet
Oshin gives a wily smile -
"see these everlast grains on floor....now watch an entire ocean unfold -
take these chopsticks and sweep 'em 1 by 1 with the motion I showed..."
Jason's jaw drops - he's shocked at the request but he's hardly befuddled
and quickly snaps his jaw shut before he starts a rebuttal
The last motion he trained was shooting nerf basketball hoops
and as he shot he just felt like a nerd practicing, duped
but the arc of his hand was dual death -
both a fatal neck blow, and the defensive catching of a pugilist's fists
so he knew somewhere in this absurdity...that a reason had to truly exist
It was like floor hockey with his middle finger, forefinger and thumb
and he practiced for 3 days, until the onset of carpal tunnel started lingering numb
and after the last grain was swept, Oshin smiled: "you're finished, you're done..."
He didn't see the move's utility until he traveled with Oshin to his native Malaysia
to one of the worst slums filled with murder and the most fatal of capers
When a cultural abomination occured - dissing the elderly...
so Oshin disabled its maker.
One of two deranged teens whispered it too loud: "Let's kill and fuck these guys now..."
in a flash amidst screams - Oshin glided in front of the boy and plucked his eyes out.




.

[Mr. J]

The most vivid of lyrics couldn't mirror the pain
Of your soul being judged through the picture it paints
& the paint brush is made from the fire inside
Thoughts lie in my mind, like death, colliding with life
& light overcomes as I rise with the tide
^^^^
I really enjoyed how this section of the verse worked out
I didnt like how you ended it with the sky will be dry scenario..
but you showcased your talent of using less to say a lot more
the flow of your rhymes carries the story quicker & it blends well
I liked the intro to the verse & the ending was cool, nice work brah


NYC, your verse was pretty sick from beginning to end
I instantly had flashes of Tarantino throughout the beginning
and as the verse unfolded I felt like I was staring at an extravagant napkin
in fact I digested properly so I didn't have to ruin the story with my messy hands
therefore I will say as you continue towards the end I felt the ending could have been better, I didn't like how the ended up in the city & whatnot
otherwise I enjoyed the verse as a whole and didn't want to break it up too much
still one of the better writers in the AOWL at this moment, stick around big fella

v/Although a piece of me wants to give this to Razah I cannot do so..
looking back though I really did enjoy his verse for the mechanics involved
that rapid fire flow working between the plot of the story made this great
yet after reading NYCs monstrous verse you were a tad overwhelmed
NYCs story came with a nice blending of storytelling & a slight glimpse into character
making it work for him with his brandished style & stronger use of vocab at times
both came with well-rounded verses but the stronger style wins here

v/NYC

[Dearg]

Razah, I feel like if you either lengthened your lines or wrote more and gave more detail or depth then you could've taken this battle. Your verse just seemed small and incomplete. Your wording was alright, simple and got the job done. Concept was okay, nothing amazing but still worth the read. I think it's just length killed you here. It left a distaste in my mouth like I wanted more. No homo.

NYCSPITZ, the more complete written. I can't think of anything to really complain about besides revising more because the wording was awkward at times.

vote nyc

[MMLP]

Razah's flow and technique was executed smoothly, really on point at times, i really admired it. The concept itself was quite basic and never really took off for me. Its a nice little piece. It felt kinda short though and read more like a soft simple poem.

NYC, interesting story, wasnt put as smoothly as your opponent, but it was a story that involved a whole lot more than Raz, you built on it. Can see youve got a good grasp of the storytelling skill. It felt like an abrupt ending mind you, quite funny i thought though.

mvgt/ NYC for the more entertaining piece

Good match up fellas!

[Sovereign]

Quickvoting because I'm tired.

Razah - I liked the imagery here. The flow was on point. Metaphorically it was esoteric, but not ridiculously so. This was a clean, effective verse with good rhyming.

NYCSPITZ - The flow and rhyming were poor compared to your opponents. The story was simple and obvious, though told effectively. The ending too wasn't surprising. This was too obvious and hard to flow with for me to enjoy.

Razah gets my vote.

[2tripple0]

interesting battle i thought u both did a good job... but for me i found nycspitz verse a bit too confusing with a lot of jumbled sentences here and there... i think if he simplified his verse a bit he would have got my vote but it was just a bit too eccentric for my taste. on the other hand razah came simple and there were a few spots where his wording seemed to lack a little where it could have been done better with a bit more time and effort spent on his verse... but regardless i still feel razah got this one with a better verse and a much better picture painted than nycspitz soo yeah....my vote goes to.......razah


vote: razah

[asylum]

this really wasn't too hard for me. this line won the battle, for me, period.

/v razah

The most vivid of lyrics couldn't mirror the pain
Of your soul being judged through the picture it paints

nycspitz was a little wordy. honestly he did not touch razahs style at all.
not a hard vote, in any way shape or form. razah killed it.

nycspitz's verse was nice but you have to say shit people feel in the pit of their stomach for it to be felt. razah did that.

[e11even]

Razah- aspiring master counseling the beginner?? This was very well written from a technical pov. I liked the Rhymes and transitions a lot. This is no amateur work, though it is not perfect. I read this a few times throughout the week and never really got around to voting on it, but every read made the verse a little better to me. Good job bro.

Nyc- dope drop. I'm a fan of narratives and even more a fan of seemless rhyming in narratives. My problem is some of the awkward lines in here:
When a cultural abomination occured - dissing the elderly...
so Oshin disabled its maker. etc
This was a cool Kung fu classic style story, but the ending feels incomplete and it doesn't come off as final as what I would have expected from this topic. But maybe this was intentional. Good job either way :)

I enjoyed Razah's for the technical rhyming and concise crafting and I liked NYC's story, even though the story didn't quite end right for me. MVGT RAZAH for what I believe was the overall slightly better verse with less flaws. Thanks for showing guys.

[YDK]

This was a cool battle, gotta short vote short on time.
Razah had a nice clean piece short and sweet and mechanically sound and a solid concept.
NYC had the longer more storytelling approach that I always enjoy. Not as sound as a whole because I felt it could have been fleshed out more to have a more ccomplete ending but the details and story were awesome. I just wish it were longer because I was really interested lol
Overall I gotta give my vote to razah for the more complete piece but NY had the "cooler" story lol
Dope battle guys
Vote razah

[Nigma]

razah really nice drop. somber atmosphere, strong emotion, strong mechanics. no real misses for me. the size of this verse strengthened it. strongest critique would be near the end of the third line, you need a comma after mimic haha. solid verse

nyc, also showed with strong writing, lots of nice visuals in the first quarter. the segment about catching the pugilists fists was awesome. biggest criticism for verse is an overall lack of cohesive finality with the topic in the last half of your verse, in my opinion. the floor hockey reference (even tho i know you gave a hair flip with your sick flow while writing it) stuck out like a sore thumb, only because of how cool your wording and references were in the first quarter. had a monk-like zen karate guru feel and i feel the verse woulda been more delicious if you stuck with that tone

really enjoyed both reads. even tho nyc didn't have many misses at all, razah felt a lot more polished. every line was high quality are the verse was consistently on topic.

+1 Razah

[sral]

RAZAH WINS!