Week 9: Ullr vs. MMLP - (Ullr wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 9

@Ullr @POET MiNDER


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

"Don't worry, this will be painless."


Good luck.

[Ullr]

Ullr's topic:

"Don't worry, this will be painless."


Poem:


A syringe dripping from a needle stainless
the mad doctor ***kles "This'll be so painless!"
He stabs the tip into the massive hip on whom the clasps had gripped
the adjective best befitting would be graphic grit
blood pours from festering wounds and acid drips
skin sizzles, steam from static discharges
experiments, testing, anatomy, carcass!
He dances 'round the lab twisting tabs on his parchment
one for each soul destroyed within this chasm of darkness.

Anesthetic, a useful thing when driving a patient by his tooth through a ring
of nails and pale azaleas and orchids, a flowery bed of dread while they sail through a hail of torches.
Singing and singeing all as they cry,
clinging, impinging, a ball of white light
brightness lashing, arcs of lightning flashing
electrocuted and fried alive
they scream for mercy and they try to die
but none may save them from this painless torture
they writhe as they see their body flayed from the former
limbs ripped and twisted, gripped with pliers and clippers snipping
fingers and toes, coiled a spring through the nose
so as the nostrils flare they'd bring them in close
and as the tension builds the flesh releases
and explodes outward with cartilage borne in separate pieces.

As the next patient is wheeled in an office unassuming
the doctor smiles and says "Good afternoon", know they not what is looming
and the torture that awaits within the cords and the drapes
o' such a horrible fate and so morbid and base.

He taps his hand on a desk dressed in vamps and a vest,
it's damp in his nest and thus can't risk to sweat
a blade that slips is simply dangerous!
and after all, it's true - this is sinfully painless.

[Vulgar]

MMLP's topic:

"My horoscope is death."



MMLP's poem:

"back to the future"

At my age,
i only look forward to every sunday
when the kids fall in my arms
daytime tv tends to bug me
its dull from the start

now the walks in the park
is my social life
i can no longer trust my farts
i reach my goals at night`

now i look forward to get on the bus
before my delayed mood swings
its my privilage, to sit at the front
then back into the same routine

but the weekends, im king of the roast
I made sure my cupboards were packed and full of food
hoping the hinges would hold
for the sunday nights for the family and friends all to use

the dinners would go
at the turn of phrase
it signaled the groans
returning their plates with dessert on the way

now the best part of the day,
stuffed in my chair as the games would ensue
the kids would go and play for while
stomach was full, being unable to move
but i'd come to life with my grandson's smile

the kids and their kids,
would make me observe
moving my mouth muscles
reminiscing their births
had left me humbled

now i know i have to go, im next in the queue
but not before one last look back
its only when death is in front of you
One wants to look back

[Woke]

"limbs ripped and twisted, gripped with pliers and clippers snipping fingers and toes, coiled a spring through the nose so as the nostrils flare they'd bring them in close". UL, this is a perfect example of how you said, run on sentence. This verse had cadence but with a mid ranged syllables. While I enjoyed the darker side of life you projected toward me, I feel like you didn't go 'over-detail' on a single thing to, a sort of spark or highlight in imagery, a lasting more, image. Solid verse as is, but lacked 'clear polish'. Marshal is real when I talk. This verse was more linear and detailed frame by frame, unfortunetly the imagery was of a story more slow then effective. Again, decent writing, but this story lacked steam.



V/ Ullr

[Vulgar]

Ullr - I could be off with this observation but it did seem like this was more rushed than usual from you. The wording was nicely done in some parts, although I do think there was some overdramatization where there might have been patient iteration of the events occurring. The fast-paced, frenetic type of rhyme scheme didn't slow down from start to finish, a customary approach from you when you attack a topic thoroughly. The dentist concept is a good interpretation. Writing wise it was quality. I'd like to see a patient, poetic, minimalist style from you, just for the sake of seeing if it works wonders for your adaptation to different forms of poetry with relaxed tempo's. I liked the use of the word 'base' here - and this is where you can shine more, in those instances where a word is executed admirably.

MMLP - I liked the angle you took with the topic. I read this as an open narrator until you mentioned 'grandkids' so it changed a bit in my head. The language was satisfactory, though this left me wanting more. The settings and characters that were plainly described could maybe have done with personal touch, a bit of personality exertion on the part of the older narrator. Usually older folks have a lot to say about life, and how they feel about death should be regarded with respect, as they are closer to it than anyone else. Cool write.

My vote goes to Ullr for something with more pulp and that I could grasp hold of.

[Inno]

Vote mmlp

Ullr

I feel like this was all over the place at times. Great language and imagery
Wjen u had it going. But i feel like it just fell flat in the end for me. Honestly
I loved the middle part of this. I thought you where at your best there.

Mmlp

Man i liked this alot. You made me pictur every scene you wrote to the t
Which tbh is the ultimate for a reader. Dope imagery that was subtle and placed
Very well. I think what i liked the most is you kept going back to the kids which re
Imforced your ehole concept and imagery. Enjoyed this alot.

Vote mmlp