I love him, she said.

[something]

Caught in a tailspin. A vortex of perspective and theory. Tornado of thoughts. Trapped in conception. The idea of conclusion scraping against my pursuit of perfection. Ever elusive. Clarity beyond my reach. Stalking through this haze. All I can see is my blindness. I'm saturated by regret. Dripping with indecision. Frozen by an awareness of shortcomings. Destiny manifested. The acknowledgement of failure doubling down on itself in a never ending loop. I dare you to step in front of my train of thought. Take a bullet for me. Be my sacrificial lamb. I'll eat you once I'm better. You were weak to jump on my grenade. I'll bleed you dry. Make me whole and I'll find someone better. Addicted to being your cure. Her cure. Or hers. Or hers. Some of them want to be abused. A timeline of give and take. Love lost. Love gained. Bitterness turned sweet. Memories fade and we've taken our turns. Taken our lumps. Fantasies I play out. Hopeful reunions. The lies we tell ourselves are the easiest to believe. Pour yourself another cup of denial. I'll watch you drink, but I won't tell you it's water, or truth. I won't bare witness to your destruction. I won't hold the hand pressing a barrel to your temple. I loved you. I won't lie to you. That's your job. Kill us. Bury us. Do your best to forget who I am. Drag my name through the mud. Discredit my character. Erase me. I'd erase you if I could. You're venom in my veins. A flaw I can't fix. Can you choose who you love? Be honest. Is there a giving you allow? Maybe it's not the giving, but the unwillingness to concede. Unrelenting loyalty. I'd eat your cancer up. I forgive you, you selfish piece of shit. Martyr. I'd lay in this grave just to prove a point. There's no decaying of flesh in this death I undertake. I am numb. Limbo feels like hell. Heaven feels mundane. Purgatory resident.

[Vulgar]

"Limbo feels like hell. Heaven feels mundane. Purgatory resident."

The end here was dope. Honestly, the way I read this throughout, it had moments of interesting fragments, but it stopped and started like a car that stalls out every other street. At some points, I couldn't get used to the paragraph style enough. I've written some poetry in this way before, I understand that it's an irresistable structural approach. Just wasn't feeling most of this. It did remind me of a gothic-like anime episode... I was watching "The Twelve Kingdoms" today but decided to stop after 3 episodes.

Keep doing you

[Cimmerian]

Originally Posted by something

Caught in a tailspin. A vortex of perspective and theory. Tornado of thoughts. Trapped in conception. The idea of conclusion scraping against my pursuit of perfection. Ever elusive. Clarity beyond my reach. Stalking through this haze. All I can see is my blindness. I'm saturated by regret. Dripping with indecision. Frozen by an awareness of shortcomings. Destiny manifested. The acknowledgement of failure doubling down on itself in a never ending loop. I dare you to step in front of my train of thought. Take a bullet for me. Be my sacrificial lamb. I'll eat you once I'm better. You were weak to jump on my grenade. I'll bleed you dry. Make me whole and I'll find someone better. Addicted to being your cure. Her cure. Or hers. Or hers. Some of them want to be abused. A timeline of give and take. Love lost. Love gained. Bitterness turned sweet. Memories fade and we've taken our turns. Taken our lumps. Fantasies I play out. Hopeful reunions. The lies we tell ourselves are the easiest to believe. Pour yourself another cup of denial. I'll watch you drink, but I won't tell you it's water, or truth. I won't bare witness to your destruction. I won't hold the hand pressing a barrel to your temple. I loved you. I won't lie to you. That's your job. Kill us. Bury us. Do your best to forget who I am. Drag my name through the mud. Discredit my character. Erase me. I'd erase you if I could. You're venom in my veins. A flaw I can't fix. Can you choose who you love? Be honest. Is there a giving you allow? Maybe it's not the giving, but the unwillingness to concede. Unrelenting loyalty. I'd eat your cancer up. I forgive you, you selfish piece of shit. Martyr. I'd lay in this grave just to prove a point. There's no decaying of flesh in this death I undertake. I am numb. Limbo feels like hell. Heaven feels mundane. Purgatory resident.

I liked the verse. I read it with a Sonic Sum type delivery.

[Pharaohs Army]

"Pour yourself another cup of denial."

love this sentence^

Limbo feels like hell.

Interesting. Last night I though of a good line using the word Limbo.

Some of them want to be abused.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

...some clever rhymes in this if read properly, i.e. drag my name / venom in my veins
and, in the same area- name through the mud / erase you if i could

I like the way this flows, and the conceptual descriptions, and the healthy sprinkle of rhymes...

You pushed the envelope too much on your other post "I met a girl on Tinder". By that I mean, no rhymes, and not as concise or descriptive.. Thus even if the writing in that1 is "good", it is overshadowed by the fact that it did not live up to your standards, or "pull the reader in"... Unlike this one btw... This piece is more of the "sweet spot" IMO

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by something

Caught in a tailspin. A vortex of perspective and theory. Tornado of thoughts. Trapped in conception. The idea of conclusion scraping against my pursuit of perfection. Ever elusive. Clarity beyond my reach. Stalking through this haze. All I can see is my blindness. I'm saturated by regret. Dripping with indecision. Frozen by an awareness of shortcomings. Destiny manifested. The acknowledgement of failure doubling down on itself in a never ending loop. I dare you to step in front of my train of thought. Take a bullet for me. Be my sacrificial lamb. I'll eat you once I'm better. You were weak to jump on my grenade. I'll bleed you dry.

Unique way to open. Felt heavy-handed at parts (Frzen by an awareness of shortcomings, I dare you to to step in front of my train of thought).

Make me whole and I'll find someone better. Addicted to being your cure. Her cure. Or hers. Or hers. Some of them want to be abused. A timeline of give and take. Love lost. Love gained. Bitterness turned sweet. Memories fade and we've taken our turns.

I liked this section. Selfishness is inherent to love.

Taken our lumps. Fantasies I play out. Hopeful reunions. The lies we tell ourselves are the easiest to believe. Pour yourself another cup of denial. I'll watch you drink, but I won't tell you it's water, or truth. I won't bare witness to your destruction. I won't hold the hand pressing a barrel to your temple. I loved you. I won't lie to you. That's your job. Kill us. Bury us. Do your best to forget who I am.

Did not enjoy the execution of the 'cup of denial' segment, but the latter half after "destruction" was powerful.

Drag my name through the mud. Discredit my character. Erase me. I'd erase you if I could. You're venom in my veins. A flaw I can't fix. Can you choose who you love? Be honest. Is there a giving you allow? Maybe it's not the giving, but the unwillingness to concede. Unrelenting loyalty.

Fuck yes.

I'd eat your cancer up. I forgive you, you selfish piece of shit. Martyr. I'd lay in this grave just to prove a point. There's no decaying of flesh in this death I undertake. I am numb. Limbo feels like hell. Heaven feels mundane. Purgatory resident.

cool ending but I wish you continued to elaborate on 'unrelenting loyalty.'


Overall, I enjoyed the thoughts that arose from staying free of strict form/ structure. Though the rhymes didn't pop, there was a fluidity in the way the verse was developed. There were places where you started to get into gritty details about one thing or another, and you jumped to another thought or perspective right as I was starting to pick up what you were putting down.

good read

[Lady Joker]

That is of the best drop in open mic, you had some interesting lines.
10/10. keep it up!