channel the neg

Pharaohs Army · 08-08-2015, 03:51 PM

Would it be coool?, if I showed you a "pie graph" of how much'a this's True.
...Not all, but enough, so why laugh?
I'm done. I lean back in my chair\my spine cracks..
"One".
I hit submit..
I don't proofread cuz my alternate personality might shoot me.
My typical writing voice prolly makes it seem like I'm Gary Busey.
Don't bother me- i'm Busy.

emcee squared · 08-09-2015, 12:23 AM

past tense

Mr. J · 08-10-2015, 01:23 AM

this was pretty dope I thought, a random set of ideas brought together into frame
the way it flows is really natural and shows that you don't lack a creative thought
although a majority of the time your pieces come off as quickly jotted ideas that don't match up
you really took that and flipped that all on it's head with this one, there's a random assortment of ideas I liked

So on my first day in the oval office the people who actually control the presidency.. 'n the Congress.. can leave a picture in my presidential bedroom, of Kennedy's head-wound."

Tell me I'm off-topic. Another way I escape is by washing my hands over-n-over in the faucet. Meat on their bones- I don' even have skeletons in the closet. And when I touch myself too much, or use too many drugs, it feels like they're watching.

Syntax is my security-blanket. I wonder if there's a limit to how many characters I can put on these pages. Now that you know "my business" maybe I should leave forever(&while I'm at it)have a moderator erase this.

I really enjoyed this section, I edited out the part I could do without because this worked well
what it is I don't know, frustration, irritation, something along those lines..
at the end of the day you can just throw some random spurts of emotion into a piece and bring it full circle
I feel like a multitude of this shows when you put this out there and really sprung it forward
this was ubiquitous & really leaves a lasting impression, nice work dawg...keep it up

UnbornBuddha · 08-13-2015, 05:12 PM

Well, the first thing I will comment on is the structure; it definitely doesn't look like a verse, more like journaling with rhyming as your compass. Aside from that, you have a bountiful of images to convey, very emotionally laden I might add.

Things like "Tell me I'm off-topic. Another way I escape is by washing my hands over-n-over in the faucet. Meat on their bones- I don' even have skeletons in the closet. And when I touch myself too much or use too many drugs, it feels like they're watching."

It made me chuckle, mostly because it's disturbing, but not dark. Which, is something you do well. You can convey this scenes with trepidation as the tone, but it never becomes grim, which in your case is a good thing. Mostly, because while you do write very self-focused, splashing on the colors of your emotions as you go, it never becomes too serious. Which, is one of your strength and weaknesses, in my opinion. There is hardly ever the sense of something you wrote with utmost devotion to creating something that is rememberable in a greater sense. Obviously you write and produce writing that you deem as momentous and significant to your life, but it never wanders from the moment you are currently in. Which is fine, but you don't harness the full potential of the reigns, so to speak.

Instead, you conjoin an array of ideas without ever solidifying a deep connection with them. And so your work suffers from episodes of sagacity and on the opposite spectrum of idleness. And in a way negligent to being fully committed to the process of conquering your faults, in writing of course, not you as a person. Also, what is your opposition to writing something in verse form, that is more traditional.
I think what one of the biggest things your missing is structure, and some people here do without it, like Zen, but he can write very structurally, he just chooses to write as he does. But, I feel you need to settle down from trying to create this big rendition that will secure your place as someone different because of the way you do things, and instead hone the mechanics, and from there I'm sure you will grow.

Thanks for the read.

Pharaohs Army · 08-13-2015, 10:43 PM

,

08-08-2015, 03:51 PM	#1
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	channel the neg Would it be coool?, if I showed you a "pie graph" of how much'a this's True. ...Not all, but enough, so why laugh? I'm done. I lean back in my chair\my spine cracks.. "One". I hit submit.. I don't proofread cuz my alternate personality might shoot me. My typical writing voice prolly makes it seem like I'm Gary Busey. Don't bother me- i'm Busy. Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 07-13-2016 at 09:24 PM. Reason: kept ending

08-09-2015, 12:23 AM	#2
emcee squared senior writer Join Date: Aug 2015 Posts: 444 Rep Power: 0	past tense Last edited by emcee squared; 11-02-2016 at 09:12 AM.

08-10-2015, 01:23 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	this was pretty dope I thought, a random set of ideas brought together into frame the way it flows is really natural and shows that you don't lack a creative thought although a majority of the time your pieces come off as quickly jotted ideas that don't match up you really took that and flipped that all on it's head with this one, there's a random assortment of ideas I liked So on my first day in the oval office the people who actually control the presidency.. 'n the Congress.. can leave a picture in my presidential bedroom, of Kennedy's head-wound." Tell me I'm off-topic. Another way I escape is by washing my hands over-n-over in the faucet. Meat on their bones- I don' even have skeletons in the closet. And when I touch myself too much, or use too many drugs, it feels like they're watching. Syntax is my security-blanket. I wonder if there's a limit to how many characters I can put on these pages. Now that you know "my business" maybe I should leave forever(&while I'm at it)have a moderator erase this. I really enjoyed this section, I edited out the part I could do without because this worked well what it is I don't know, frustration, irritation, something along those lines.. at the end of the day you can just throw some random spurts of emotion into a piece and bring it full circle I feel like a multitude of this shows when you put this out there and really sprung it forward this was ubiquitous & really leaves a lasting impression, nice work dawg...keep it up __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

08-13-2015, 10:43 PM	#5
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	, Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 07-13-2016 at 09:27 PM.

08-13-2015, 05:12 PM	#4
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Well, the first thing I will comment on is the structure; it definitely doesn't look like a verse, more like journaling with rhyming as your compass. Aside from that, you have a bountiful of images to convey, very emotionally laden I might add. Things like "Tell me I'm off-topic. Another way I escape is by washing my hands over-n-over in the faucet. Meat on their bones- I don' even have skeletons in the closet. And when I touch myself too much or use too many drugs, it feels like they're watching." It made me chuckle, mostly because it's disturbing, but not dark. Which, is something you do well. You can convey this scenes with trepidation as the tone, but it never becomes grim, which in your case is a good thing. Mostly, because while you do write very self-focused, splashing on the colors of your emotions as you go, it never becomes too serious. Which, is one of your strength and weaknesses, in my opinion. There is hardly ever the sense of something you wrote with utmost devotion to creating something that is rememberable in a greater sense. Obviously you write and produce writing that you deem as momentous and significant to your life, but it never wanders from the moment you are currently in. Which is fine, but you don't harness the full potential of the reigns, so to speak. Instead, you conjoin an array of ideas without ever solidifying a deep connection with them. And so your work suffers from episodes of sagacity and on the opposite spectrum of idleness. And in a way negligent to being fully committed to the process of conquering your faults, in writing of course, not you as a person. Also, what is your opposition to writing something in verse form, that is more traditional. I think what one of the biggest things your missing is structure, and some people here do without it, like Zen, but he can write very structurally, he just chooses to write as he does. But, I feel you need to settle down from trying to create this big rendition that will secure your place as someone different because of the way you do things, and instead hone the mechanics, and from there I'm sure you will grow. Thanks for the read.