11. Sn00p vs. Clutterbuck - (Clutterbuck wins)

[Vulgar]

You've been enlisted for an abstract cause.

NO LINE LIMIT
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks)

Verses Due Sunday Morning.
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(Extensions only granted if opponent accepts, anything else is unaccepted.)

Voting Ends Monday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied
Remember The Earlier The Verses In The Sooner The Votes
Have Fun
Peace


Topic:



@Sn00p @Clutterbuck

[sral]

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can't post.

[Vulgar]

Lol

[Clutbuck]

lmao nvm I'm here

Sup Snoop, how many lines bruh bruh?

[Clutbuck]

"Blix"




In the afterglow of a star foregoing it's collapse
the frozen Takhaar kingdom lies prone to an attack.
The cold has been so ravaging, with harsher winds to come,
that the home of the Takhaarishi has halved within a month.
It's architectural sculptures of once monumental size
lie carpeted in sulphur beneath a frosted bed of ice.
The drop in present climate has seen their numbers deplete
as they're not as energised without the sun and it's heat.
They function by gleaning it's energy through their scales
so this sudden extreme has left them weakened and pale.
Its people are ailing, but we're not here to try and support 'em,
we're just eagerly waiting to strike without warning...
"FIRE ON MY ORDER!" caterwauled General Binx
who smiled at the corners of his menacing grin.
His dual-headedness lifted a tentacle upright
addressing his missionaries as he steadied his good eye.
"READY?" he grunts while they hang on his word
as the vedette adjust in a mechanical whirr.
Binx blasts an assertive "AIM!" to the squad he's commanding,
as the polax-cannon then searches for a Point of Optimum Damage.
Once the POD is established "FIRE!" comes his ***kling cry
as it's infrasonic galactic beam lights up the vacuous sky.
Binx glanced to his right, where his deputy sat,
& thought back to a time before he made the General's badge.
A centuries passed since the falling of that star,
when he was drafted to go to war with the Takhaar.
Binx was always pretty ardent that their hecatomb was met
but had worn a heavy heart today when sentencing their deaths.
His deputy had questioned him before they set off in pursuit
and still etched within his memory was "What did they do?"

[Sn00p]

posting tmrrw. hectic wk w/ my bday & everything

[Sn00p]

The shutters clatter and shuffle faster as the lens opens and attempts focus.
With vents smokin', engines creak while they bend to heave the troubled matter
up the plastered but snowy ramp. A glowing lamp illuminates the path
ascending the glacial mass. Its light flickers, almost as though it warns
it could die quicker than anticipated. The back-up batteries slowly warm,
and before the snowy storm has dissipated, the light steadies weakly.
The drive's heavy wheezing accelerates keeping every part well in place.
Even if the motor fell in pace, the walls, domes and such
have crawled close enough that arrival is certain.
The fiber is workin', and the camera transmits pictures
from the slant slit switching between open and closed.
The exposure is low, but the cam sits clicking on the highest point,
the almost anthropomorphic head of the machine.
Embedded in the seam of a fiber joint that the ice destroyed
runs the cable that has always spun a stable connection from where the eye's deployed
to the simulacrum's brain. Having been through grayest days
and delved into dazing ways, the sudden burst of light through the blurry night
makes even the sturdy type of processors heat to the best degree;
the target will on legs be reached in less than three hours
if the machine's incessantly powered.
The legs'll be scoured if necessary; and even though the threat is scary,
it will tread and carry itself closer to where spare parts and means for repair are.
With the distance dwindling, it's almost certain that the hissing wind'll bring
the oilish odor of the boiling motor that resembles poison over.
But that does not matter. Even if the shutters clatter
and bolts and nuts are scattered on the way, its strut is faster on this day.
Nothing is of less importance than some tiny drops of fluid leaking
or if a cog or two are creaking...
And traversing the last shrinking space, it almost sprints the way
as if it would think or say, "Nothing like coming home on a winter's day."

[Mr. J]

Clutbuck...

I enjoyed the versatility of your verse as it slowly unfolds
it's like watching a flower open up after a nice rainy day..
I found your verse to be intriguing especially on this one note..

They function by gleaning it's energy through their scales
so this sudden extreme has left them weakened and pale.

the descriptive visuals of this and the following lines are great
you carry just enough attention for the piece to really pick up in pace
I like the way that things escalate quickly and just draw you in
this was such an exemplary section I hate that I didn't write it

"READY?" he grunts while they hang on his word
as the vedette adjust in a mechanical whirr.
Binx blasts an assertive "AIM!" to the squad he's commanding,
as the polax-cannon then searches for a Point of Optimum Damage.

nice work...

Sn00p

Your verse was nothing less than amazing, the descriptive nature of your piece is compelling
it doesn't take much to really get into your verse when you start it with

The shutters clatter and shuffle faster as the lens opens and attempts focus.
With vents smokin', engines creak while they bend to heave the troubled matter
up the plastered but snowy ramp. A glowing lamp illuminates the path
ascending the glacial mass. Its light flickers, almost as though it warns
it could die quicker than anticipated. The back-up batteries slowly warm,
and before the snowy storm has dissipated

You know you are in for a very well crafted verse..
the rest get's so interesting I wonder how long it took
I really enjoyed the fuck out of your verse...what else can I say


v/Sn00p

i really enjoyed Clutbuck's verse because of the way the story switches up and draws you in
he really painted an image that was worth the read, and should be admired for it's versatility
but when I read Sn00p's verse i was drawn in from the beginning of those first two lines
but it get's a grip on you and just leaves you following it to the very end
and the ending was very well done, the build up is amazing and I thought it was just an amazing verse...

[Geno]

This is a greT battle.
Its pullibg an many nerves though and toughbto vote.. ill explain why. I have a winner.. but lemme explain

Lars.. you painted a really good ztory. You have a great ability to create a complete story everytime you write Nd this picture and the storyline were really dope. Ive read some really wierd shit from you.. this was nice though. You are skilled with smooth writing and able to weave words together in a never endibg effortless read.

Snoop.. this is new for me to read something like this from u. You have a very detailed way of describing scenary a lot similar to the way i write. Tons of imagery and and that kept my focuss strong on finishing ur verse. What i dislike most is the technicals and mechanics. Not nearly as smooth a read as lars and some of the transitions were awkward.

This is a tough call because im basically voting against a style a like like my own.. only it needs much work on strengthening flow and smoothness imo. Maybe just preference and not entirely necessary.. but i like a crisp read when im going into a topic ..

Lars .. you had a fresh take on your story which i enjoyed more than snoops as well. He may have been a bit more descriptive.. but it didnt go where i would have liked it to. And it left way more to be desired mechanically which takes away a lot of points imo. This is gonna be close

I got lars in this one
V/Clut

[mayniuhh]

(Disclaimer: I really enjoy words. I enjoy being gifted intentioned to be great work and I always will. Thank you and thank everyone. I usually keep my own relationship with words out of how I judge except for... well quite literally always.)


In short, I felt as if you both approached the image in a very similar (and well, kinda the opposite of abstract) manner. Because of that I feel uncomfortable accusing either of your pieces of being more creative. That said, there's a small, but obvious skill gap here that deserves to be acknowledged.

Above all, a story is a series of relevant details. A line that helps establish the scene is relevant if the scene isn't already established without it. I saw a lot of unnecessary lines that simply did not add any real dimension to either story and could've been replaced with truly magic moments. During both reads I was finding it difficult to care for this reason.

War VS Peace seems a neat way of framing the efforts on display. I Simply though that sn00p's piece was more gracefully written.

Vote: sn00p

[Soulstice]

Sn00p - flow was dope, first of all. The quasipersonification of a robot rover was cutesy, I was rooting for the thing after you described all of its hazardous damages. The imagery was solid and I could more or less see what was going on.

Lars - In terms of the battle, I think you made every word count and every line significant in that it presented another dimension to the story, whether it be character, setting, imagery, motivation, or what have you. sn00ps flow was really dope but Lars's story telling was superb

voting Lars

sorry for the short vote but in terms of comparing the pieces to eachother i didnt have to say too much

[Pent uP]

Clut -- dope verse; a little slower than I remember from you, but nothing to wag my finger at. Description are on point and the ending had a really good contrast to the rest of the verse. I wanna know what polax is....I assume (because google didnt help) that it was a fictional weapon that vibrated at such low decibles it shook the building out of its foundation or something, but that was just me reading into it. It was good to read from you again, dope shit.

Snoop -- I thought what you did with the rhyme scheme was really impressive. I was seriously fixated on the syllable sounds and not the story for so long I had to reread it. A couple of loose threads and wording issues that I ran across, but nothing worth nitpicking too badly. I think what got to me here is that the story wasn't progressive, where Clut's was. You had a lot of setup and a quick & effective conclusion, unlike your opponent who had a lot of conclusive imagery and an interesting conclusion.

Vote - Clut in a dope one.

props to snoop for his schemes again