Week 2: Innovator (0-1) vs. Razah (1-0)- Inno Wins 3-2

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck @Innovator @Witty

[Split Eight]

Topic:

"Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud" - Hermann Hesse

[Razah]

"To me it's just a journal, I guess it's still my journey
There are things I wish I said & hope they never heard me
I have an appettite & have disaster as a taste
The one you took advantage of is now the master of your pain
You can scream & I'll scream too, your blood looks like a sunset
The parts without that hue, are parts I haven't touched yet
Patience is a virtue but to me it's like seduction
I know I feel the urge to but before I hit the summit
Admire every moment, any stroke can change the scenery
I know it's nature but I like to think you bleed for me"


I need everybody quiet!! Damn. I never knew commotion
These were more than words I read these were his true emotions
We're disgusted by your demons, the desire that you had
All the devils that you faced held your fire in their hands
What's done is now the past, it's curtains for the show
Judge, let's move beyond the evidence of the journal that he wrote..


"Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is
spoken out loud" - Hermann Hesse

[Inno]

Sifting thru the rubble i can see day light
Lost in the shuffle, the moon turns to pale white
Trees burn while the grass never heals
Among the broken concrete and severed steel
Lies a city in ruin, an apocalyptic shoe in
While the skies stay blue- in the summer
The heat makes the wild fires shutter, flutter
Among the garbage piles and old relics
In between the bodies of the old republic

We wrote change to change the world
Instead we let change forget the words
Illiterate to the core, we stood atop the burning books
Hoping the smoke would fill our heads with looks
a glance at what we used to be
And the hope that one day we'd return what we took
All of it
From the grains of salt to the flowers fruit
From the total lies to the absolute truth
All of it.
We caused the rifts and wonder why there's waves
Oblivious to the current we ourself create

[Split Eight]

UP

[2tripple0]

Hmm I enjoyed both of these and its gonna be a difficult decision. I felt razah was a decent effort he completed a verse without me stopping to think oh what does that mean and I think he was able to stay on topic through his piece. Not much I can say about it. Would've wished he added a few lines to flesh out the piece but overall the length didn't bother me.

As for innovator it was shot as well. Once again didn't bother me. I'm assuming you used the same topic since there wasn't a different one indicated. I thought a couple times I was searching for meaning in his verse and just got caught up in oh ill just write this to get a decent rhyme scheme or overall hold down his structure...anyways like I said this was going to be difficult to decide since both pieces were written very dramatically and I enjoyed each one.. overall though I'm going to give it to razah for keeping a better structure and holding the piece together throughout the battle..altho like I said this wasn't one sided and good luck to both participants

Vote razah

[asylum]

Razah – I like your direct phrases. At first, I was a little thrown off. But this shit is powerful. Like this line, for instance..
I have an appettite & have disaster as a taste
The one you took advantage of is now the master of your pain
that second line was epic as fuck. But fyi, it was kind of awkward for me when you wrote have twice. Fuck this line too..
All the devils that you faced held your fire in their hands
So sick. Anyway, looks to me like you’re doing different views of a killer. First person and outside. Really cool diction, nice phrases, lacked development.. but a few of those lines really stuck out to me. Try writing like it’s a scene from a movie, and you’re describing one image at a time. Your knack for powerful language could create some vivid scenery. You also did a good job of nailing the topic directly by ending the story at the point where that “everything” actually becomes a little different, and is spoken aloud. I like that you made sure and tied that in concretely.

Innovator – I took this piece as one about communism and how it looks good on paper but doesn’t really pan out that well in reality. So, basically, I really fucking like your angle. I really like how you reinforced the burning imagery with trees and books in similar places in both stanzas. I’m not sure if that was on purpose of what greater meaning you meant that to have, if there was any, feel free to PM me to explain later. I think your style is really developing well and I’m excited where you’re going with it. The two “all of it’s” were a little much at first, but they grew on me, and I support their existence. my favorite bar,

We wrote change to change the world
Instead we let change forget the words


/v innovator – I think his piece was more developed in every way. Although, had Razah continued his story and perhaps developed the character a little more, his powerful lines would’ve pushed him over the line to a win. Nice battle.

[Mr. J]

I need everybody quiet!! Damn. I never knew commotion
These were more than words I read these were his true emotions
We're disgusted by your demons, the desire that you had
All the devils that you faced held your fire in their hands

I thought that you separating the journal and the actual voice was a great idea
a nice way to work it in there and have a little added twist at the end
I felt like that opener really puts the reader on the edge of the seat & draws you in
either way I thought this was a great verse, nothing to really pick apart
my only gripe is that I wish you 2 wrote longer verses...ehhhhhhhhhhhh

Trees burn while the grass never heals
Among the broken concrete and severed steel
Lies a city in ruin, an apocalyptic shoe in
While the skies stay blue- in the summer
The heat makes the wild fires shutter, flutter
^^^
now that was dope, i've read a few of your pieces in the past and it's enjoyable watching you drop
the way you work the mechanics of writing, and play with words is fun to watch
I really enjoy what I quoted above though, it paints a nice little picture and keeps it interesting
the tie in to apocalyptic shoe in worked nicely and for you to draw so much inspiration with few lines is dope
this was another nice piece, like I said to Razah I wish you guys would have done more lines
dammit...


v/This one is a toughie due to both writers having very different styles
so it really comes down to which piece I favor the most, I really enjoyed Razah's idea
at the same time I enjoyed the direction that Innovator took, that was dope
ehhh, I think I'm going to have to give it to Innovator, his piece just captured me more
I really like what Razah did though, this battle could go either way & deserve BOTW
nice job fellas

[Woke]

Raz - Journal entry being read on stand or in court where the plaintiff is a murder using painting beauty as the writers boat to get the message across. I do have a issue with the end. The Lawyer tells the court room to be silent, this is not believable. I know its a minor detail, but it is the culmination of the verse and considering the Judge is the one who would do that I took it as a flaw. That and he said DAMN. All in all this verse was ok, the rhyme structure was not the most difficult I read this week. But the message was received loud and clear, I mean the moral of the story and point behind the rhyme and reason, and after all, that is the point of a league am I right?

Inno - I liked the overall theme and message. Apocalypse brought forth by the direct actions of mankind. But if I can be honest, I was not a fan of the schemes. You changed up a lot, which can be super dope and fun to read when done right, but I felt like you changed up before you were hitting the stride. Almost like you struggling writing and just pushed through to get something out. IDK, not my favorite verse from you at all. Again, the message was dope, and you executed on a high enough level to get the point across, but the execution aside from that really lacked in my eyes.


Tough vote here, I honestly can not say I loved either but I do appreciate the effort brought forth in producing a work of art. It's tough being put on a platform and judged by your peers because every now and again you will come across someone who just can't be that fake, "This is what I loved" guy.

V/Razah

[UnbornBuddha]

This is a cool showdown, quite different approaches and takes.

Razah: You wrote in what is becoming here your signature style, one that likes to convey whatever your conveying mostly through your own eyes, in a way. Even if you do eventually give a character to this emotional stance that is coming from your own persona. I mean the ending line summarized what this was about and it was interesting, almost as if speaking to the jury. However, sometimes I feel because you use this style, which is effective at communicating these different feelings, it sometimes fails and impedes you from passing a certain threshold. it's almost like you can write in this universal psychological presentation, and then put any character to it, all you have to do is add a few details to the settings to the character archetype, and tada! out comes the product. Which, don't get me wrong, are fine products, with finesse craftsmanship, but there's no fluidly to the material used, or much rarity or uniqueness to whoever and whatever you're portraying. There is this general imprint, that is very memorable, but if you look closely enough there is no depth, no details that really shows the highlight. Kind of formulaic, which every writer has, but I still think you should at times play with the individuals components more. Choose a different brush.

Innovator: This was more abstract, and relatively short piece, as well. This was a post-civilization and the first stanza is basically that, portraying the ruin. Nothing really special there, nothing bad, but it's just chaos. Now, where I think you begin to shine is the second stanza, which after reading that one, it strengthened the introductory stanza. It's like your speaking of anarchy or some type of revolution where everything was thrown into upheaval and the result is an obvious change, where an almost emptiness come forth. An internal void that comes from the people realizing what they have lost, but then the last two lines sum it up quite beautifully
"We caused the rifts and wonder why there's waves
Oblivious to the current we ourself create"
This to me says, that in this new state, of chaos, there is still a sense of upheaval internally, what the people tried to change is the inevitability of this constant change, but one cannot change change through order, and that's why anarchy is the solution. Changing what is inevitable through its own inner-workings, which is chaos. Perhaps, this wasn't simply a demonstration fo anarchy, it could have been any political agenda that seeks change, nevertheless the people realize the futility of trying to change the rifts, since they themselves are subject to it eternally, since this waves are simply an emanation of their own need to have this constant flux of things, inner disorder leading to outward need to revolt due to dissatisfaction of whatever conditions they find themselves in. I mean I'm sure you know the type, the kind of person who has relatively little problems with any of the facets of life, i.g. relationships, finances, health, etc, but still find the need to complain and cause the problems themselves, so they can somehow resolve them, even though they initiated the problems themselves, so as to feel some of that stagnation of their own souls move about.

Anyways, my vote goes to Innovator