Spirit toxins

UnbornBuddha · 04-20-2015, 12:59 AM

Tremor heavy because every endeavor empty
I can't even muster a beggar's envy
But, at least the weather splendid
If only temporary joy could be forever endless.
The seasons of continuity are this Terra's emblem
Waxing and waning earthly venom that heralds bedlam.
As far as I’m concerned, peril welcomed
It would contrast nicely the sterile settings
That almost no one ever enters. It’s very seldom.
Purification initiated by my own mental devils
Challenging me until I’m at mentor level
So I can enter Zelda’s transcendental temple.
The sage who endures the storm says staying in the center special
I believe him, but I do sense the menthol as one of his breath’s essentials.
I wonder if the stars themselves were able to light up the darkness elemental
Through reflecting celestial origin, harnessing it as they collect potential
It’s saddening how the Celestine prophecy has descent to Templar’s
Demented rebels using it to predict how the world’s end will settle;
Inferno continental trembles that will manifest our let go.
Their clarity is similar in mental episodes when a seraph’s cleansing.
The dimension of reality is a mere spectral question, a perceptive message
As explained in Interstellar’s ending.
Even the departed spirit of Roger Ebert suggests you rent it.

david stern razor burns · 04-20-2015, 03:50 PM

Hello UBB, you are extremely articulate. Your writing sometimes reminds me of Zygote, are you related? Are you the human spirit of his robotic essence? An interesting query to ponder..
Clearly, you have a unique talent for writing. The one thing that I constantly have issue with is the repetitiveness of your rhyme schemes. I would confidently say that almost any of the regular posters in this section could successfully achieve this type of format quite easily. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me like you try to think of every single possible rhyme for your selected scheme and it's just not needed, nor is it impressive.
I would suggest to you to take a few "must have" rhymes from your list and then move on and transition to something new; mainly for the readers sake to maintain interest and avoid boredom/fatigue.

Well done so far, and good luck in the AOWL, looks like you have a real shot.

04-20-2015, 12:59 AM	#1
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Spirit toxins Tremor heavy because every endeavor empty I can't even muster a beggar's envy But, at least the weather splendid If only temporary joy could be forever endless. The seasons of continuity are this Terra's emblem Waxing and waning earthly venom that heralds bedlam. As far as I’m concerned, peril welcomed It would contrast nicely the sterile settings That almost no one ever enters. It’s very seldom. Purification initiated by my own mental devils Challenging me until I’m at mentor level So I can enter Zelda’s transcendental temple. The sage who endures the storm says staying in the center special I believe him, but I do sense the menthol as one of his breath’s essentials. I wonder if the stars themselves were able to light up the darkness elemental Through reflecting celestial origin, harnessing it as they collect potential It’s saddening how the Celestine prophecy has descent to Templar’s Demented rebels using it to predict how the world’s end will settle; Inferno continental trembles that will manifest our let go. Their clarity is similar in mental episodes when a seraph’s cleansing. The dimension of reality is a mere spectral question, a perceptive message As explained in Interstellar’s ending. Even the departed spirit of Roger Ebert suggests you rent it.

04-20-2015, 03:50 PM	#2
david stern razor burns with razor spurs Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray Posts: 87 Rep Power: 3750190	Hello UBB, you are extremely articulate. Your writing sometimes reminds me of Zygote, are you related? Are you the human spirit of his robotic essence? An interesting query to ponder.. Clearly, you have a unique talent for writing. The one thing that I constantly have issue with is the repetitiveness of your rhyme schemes. I would confidently say that almost any of the regular posters in this section could successfully achieve this type of format quite easily. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me like you try to think of every single possible rhyme for your selected scheme and it's just not needed, nor is it impressive. I would suggest to you to take a few "must have" rhymes from your list and then move on and transition to something new; mainly for the readers sake to maintain interest and avoid boredom/fatigue. Well done so far, and good luck in the AOWL, looks like you have a real shot.