Ok.. this one goes hard to the paint like moving still-life's

Scrollz · 01-06-2015, 07:05 PM

I spoke words that co exist... with cheavenist
mission be in teen girls posters me, posing bent, //
got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still
I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, //
we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted
sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, //
Intersections gunning pedal pumping
pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, //
metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare
chenadu blacc google me with grammatical errors//
... I'm here to be known and bare clones
awoke from hibernation, stand clear when the bear groans//
stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge
heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, //
cop my, nikes with checks who you need to check for
bars hooks that must stang ..while you in your Ford nikkuh..//

Got a money tree, Fall, imma rake a grand
we'll see how much he'll figure like that racist brand //
fames the plan
opportunity knocks fast as broken contracts on a rent a center payment plan//
I'm way too advanced nigga knew that way in advance
when my cuz served that white girl like save the last dance,//
and got caged in the can,
when I worked at Sam goodys and... CDs and cassette tapes would get scanned, //
and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland
I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands //
needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram
50 a 8th chiefer.. more instead of grams//
... My head was crammed with dirt... and brainwashed stain walls
head was crammed in her.. that brain wash grey skull //
he man.. off the chain, if Ray Charles
- could see he'd trip off R rated shit on my radar.//

Wise Wiggles · 01-06-2015, 07:22 PM

stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge
heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, //
and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland
I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands //
needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram

^ dope.

Scrollz · 01-06-2015, 07:27 PM

Ha! appreciate it.

PancakeBrah · 01-06-2015, 08:15 PM

I spoke words that co exist... with cheavenist
mission be in teen girls posters me, posing bent, //
got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still
I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, //
we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted
sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, //

I don't believe that cheavenist is an actual word. I'm going to assume you meant chauvinist, what with the ensuing lines. The second line seems to be missing a word or a punctuation mark or something, unless your aim was to not make sense. If that was the case you were successful. Third line's fine, in comparison. The last line here also confused me. So you're going to sex your cousin slut? Or, sex your cousin, slut and never disrespect the 2nd coming? As in, you're going to engage in coitus with a relative, the slut around while never disrespecting Jesus? Or, are you inferring that you are the 2nd coming? Many questions here.

Intersections gunning pedal pumping
pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, //

Your use of repetition contrasted with slang was titillating here.

metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare
chenadu blacc google me with grammatical errors//

I did already, but thank you for the recommendation in case of further queries in regards to your grammar.

... I'm here to be known and bare clones
awoke from hibernation, stand clear when the bear groans//

This is executive level braggadocio.

stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge
heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, //
cop my, nikes with checks who you need to check for
bars hooks that must stang ..while you in your Ford nikkuh..//

The metaphors and wordplay here seems a bit stretch and messy but who am I to judge.

Got a money tree, Fall, imma rake a grand
we'll see how much he'll figure like that racist brand //
fames the plan
opportunity knocks fast as broken contracts on a rent a center payment plan//

I heretofore was unaware of the expedited harassment of rent a center agents in regards to broken contracts, thank you.

I'm way too advanced nigga knew that way in advance

I, for one, will offer disagreement in this regard.

when my cuz served that white girl like save the last dance,//
and got caged in the can,
when I worked at Sam goodys and... CDs and cassette tapes would get scanned, //
and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland
I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands //
needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram

This actually wasn't that bad. I'd say this was the strongest section of this piece, overall.

50 a 8th chiefer.. more instead of grams//
... My head was crammed with dirt... and brainwashed stain walls
head was crammed in her.. that brain wash grey skull //
he man.. off the chain, if Ray Charles
- could see he'd trip off R rated shit on my radar.//

Ray Charles is dead so even if he were able to see it would be of little use to him.

Pithy comments aside, your writing needs a lot of editing. The lack of grammatical consistency hurts reader comprehension severely in this piece. I often times had little clue what you were even attempting to get across (I could infer, generally, but that onus isn't on me). This read like a piece someone would've written back when text first started up. The wordplays were kind of corny and none of the brags or insults were cleverly written. The flow was decent enough, but you didn't pull any neat tricks in that department. Pretty standard cadence, if such a thing exists. Rhymes were just okay. Read around. If this is the lane of writing you'd like to continue on (bragging/flexing) then check out some SnF verses.

Thanks.

Mitch · 01-06-2015, 08:36 PM

got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still
I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, //
we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted
sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, //
Intersections gunning pedal pumping
pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, //
metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare"

the flow was really good here. you should write more like this. i wasn't rly into the rest, but it was alright. a lot of shit went over my head in the second paragraph so idk.

Scrollz · 01-07-2015, 12:42 AM

Wow dank... You're a faggot lol gotdamn

Scrollz · 01-07-2015, 12:53 AM

Ya boy nice simple and plain..

https://soundcloud.com/chenadu_blacc...acc-asap-rocky

Scrollz · 01-08-2015, 09:41 AM

The nicest on the mic..

Simple and plain..

https://soundcloud.com/chenadu_blacc...acc-asap-rocky

01-06-2015, 07:05 PM	#1
Scrollz Indigo Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	Ok.. this one goes hard to the paint like moving still-life's I spoke words that co exist... with cheavenist mission be in teen girls posters me, posing bent, // got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, // we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, // Intersections gunning pedal pumping pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, // metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare chenadu blacc google me with grammatical errors// ... I'm here to be known and bare clones awoke from hibernation, stand clear when the bear groans// stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, // cop my, nikes with checks who you need to check for bars hooks that must stang ..while you in your Ford nikkuh..// Got a money tree, Fall, imma rake a grand we'll see how much he'll figure like that racist brand // fames the plan opportunity knocks fast as broken contracts on a rent a center payment plan// I'm way too advanced nigga knew that way in advance when my cuz served that white girl like save the last dance,// and got caged in the can, when I worked at Sam goodys and... CDs and cassette tapes would get scanned, // and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands // needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram 50 a 8th chiefer.. more instead of grams// ... My head was crammed with dirt... and brainwashed stain walls head was crammed in her.. that brain wash grey skull // he man.. off the chain, if Ray Charles - could see he'd trip off R rated shit on my radar.//

01-06-2015, 07:22 PM	#2
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,505 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788022	stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, // and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands // needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram ^ dope. __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

01-06-2015, 08:15 PM	#4
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	I spoke words that co exist... with cheavenist mission be in teen girls posters me, posing bent, // got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, // we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, // I don't believe that cheavenist is an actual word. I'm going to assume you meant chauvinist, what with the ensuing lines. The second line seems to be missing a word or a punctuation mark or something, unless your aim was to not make sense. If that was the case you were successful. Third line's fine, in comparison. The last line here also confused me. So you're going to sex your cousin slut? Or, sex your cousin, slut and never disrespect the 2nd coming? As in, you're going to engage in coitus with a relative, the slut around while never disrespecting Jesus? Or, are you inferring that you are the 2nd coming? Many questions here. Intersections gunning pedal pumping pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, // Your use of repetition contrasted with slang was titillating here. metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare chenadu blacc google me with grammatical errors// I did already, but thank you for the recommendation in case of further queries in regards to your grammar. ... I'm here to be known and bare clones awoke from hibernation, stand clear when the bear groans// This is executive level braggadocio. stumbled out the Beer Cave with a Icehouse Edge heart in a icebox.. chip away the ice with a sledge, // cop my, nikes with checks who you need to check for bars hooks that must stang ..while you in your Ford nikkuh..// The metaphors and wordplay here seems a bit stretch and messy but who am I to judge. Got a money tree, Fall, imma rake a grand we'll see how much he'll figure like that racist brand // fames the plan opportunity knocks fast as broken contracts on a rent a center payment plan// I heretofore was unaware of the expedited harassment of rent a center agents in regards to broken contracts, thank you. I'm way too advanced nigga knew that way in advance I, for one, will offer disagreement in this regard. when my cuz served that white girl like save the last dance,// and got caged in the can, when I worked at Sam goodys and... CDs and cassette tapes would get scanned, // and missy couldn't stand the rain with timberland I couldn't either, muddy waters stained my timberlands // needed suede cleaner... way before Instagram This actually wasn't that bad. I'd say this was the strongest section of this piece, overall. 50 a 8th chiefer.. more instead of grams// ... My head was crammed with dirt... and brainwashed stain walls head was crammed in her.. that brain wash grey skull // he man.. off the chain, if Ray Charles - could see he'd trip off R rated shit on my radar.// Ray Charles is dead so even if he were able to see it would be of little use to him. Pithy comments aside, your writing needs a lot of editing. The lack of grammatical consistency hurts reader comprehension severely in this piece. I often times had little clue what you were even attempting to get across (I could infer, generally, but that onus isn't on me). This read like a piece someone would've written back when text first started up. The wordplays were kind of corny and none of the brags or insults were cleverly written. The flow was decent enough, but you didn't pull any neat tricks in that department. Pretty standard cadence, if such a thing exists. Rhymes were just okay. Read around. If this is the lane of writing you'd like to continue on (bragging/flexing) then check out some SnF verses. Thanks. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

01-06-2015, 08:36 PM	#5
Mitch Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 160 Rep Power: 2208351	got swerve appeal y'all niggas urkle still I sit back observe females just to see the thirst is real, // we train hoes it's nothing, have your tone adjusted sex my cuzzin slut n never disrespect the 2nd coming, // Intersections gunning pedal pumping pulling up in gas stations pumping gas sitting on sum twenty something's, // metalical stare impair ya vision that's from the glare" the flow was really good here. you should write more like this. i wasn't rly into the rest, but it was alright. a lot of shit went over my head in the second paragraph so idk. __________________ Soundcloud.com/TheDirtySerpent

01-07-2015, 12:53 AM	#7
Scrollz Indigo Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	Ya boy nice simple and plain.. https://soundcloud.com/chenadu_blacc...acc-asap-rocky Last edited by Scrollz; 01-08-2015 at 09:40 AM.

01-06-2015, 07:27 PM	#3
Scrollz Indigo Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	Ha! appreciate it.

01-07-2015, 12:42 AM	#6
Scrollz Indigo Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	Wow dank... You're a faggot lol gotdamn

01-08-2015, 09:41 AM	#8
Scrollz Indigo Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 15 Rep Power: 0	The nicest on the mic.. Simple and plain.. https://soundcloud.com/chenadu_blacc...acc-asap-rocky