Peter Pan's Memoirs Concerning TV

Mr. J · 10-30-2014, 05:54 PM

There's a body in the dumpster, hunger gets the best of us
fear holds the rest of us, I was in school tryna get my letters up
work a job to get my feathers plus, my wall of remembrance
remember us? the dirt between the cracks, the drug peddlers
the one's you never gave a chance, often called a disease, in fact..
I'm the relief in that, a fresh breath "Happening" with trees intact
clock struck 12 at M-Night, the air makes you sneeze & gasp
asthma attack, as my words put you in it's seizing grasp...
stop as time does when I unwind from these chains & batteries
I wait for them to open their eyes Keanu, let em wake to reality
why does the bait wanna battle me, just accept fate, Humanity...
is doomed...doomed as the doctor or the temples of Indiana
this is our luck, this is our home & our consequences when we gamble
when we handle life with a pair of eyes blinded by societies vanity...
actually, this is what happens when we buy into the insanity
the twisted kaleidoscope on our nature, distorted by colorful views
when you trapped in that cycle there's nothing the others can do...
just watch...accept whatever they been told even if it's other then truth
I'm here under the pew...pew pew, shooting lasers at the pastor
I see the pain in the adults eyes, and I don't want to grow up any faster
bastards..

Zen · 11-01-2014, 04:38 PM

Your flow is excellent throughout this piece as usual with you, but this line in particular stuck out in a bad way:

remember us? the dirt between the cracks, the drug peddlers
^This line here really fucked up the flow for me. The previous three or four lines before it were great, but when it came to this one it just stopped and had to pick back up on the next line.

actually, this is what happens when we buy into the insanity
^Favorite line.

This piece didnt have as many standout bars as I'm used to from you, but all in all it was still much better than most of the om's out right now. Good stuff brah.

Mr. J · 11-06-2014, 10:25 AM

I will consider it as a thought thank you sir

Mr. J · 11-09-2014, 03:53 PM

...

10-30-2014, 05:54 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Peter Pan's Memoirs Concerning TV There's a body in the dumpster, hunger gets the best of us fear holds the rest of us, I was in school tryna get my letters up work a job to get my feathers plus, my wall of remembrance remember us? the dirt between the cracks, the drug peddlers the one's you never gave a chance, often called a disease, in fact.. I'm the relief in that, a fresh breath "Happening" with trees intact clock struck 12 at M-Night, the air makes you sneeze & gasp asthma attack, as my words put you in it's seizing grasp... stop as time does when I unwind from these chains & batteries I wait for them to open their eyes Keanu, let em wake to reality why does the bait wanna battle me, just accept fate, Humanity... is doomed...doomed as the doctor or the temples of Indiana this is our luck, this is our home & our consequences when we gamble when we handle life with a pair of eyes blinded by societies vanity... actually, this is what happens when we buy into the insanity the twisted kaleidoscope on our nature, distorted by colorful views when you trapped in that cycle there's nothing the others can do... just watch...accept whatever they been told even if it's other then truth I'm here under the pew...pew pew, shooting lasers at the pastor I see the pain in the adults eyes, and I don't want to grow up any faster bastards.. __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-06-2014, 10:25 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	I will consider it as a thought thank you sir __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-09-2014, 03:53 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-01-2014, 04:38 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Your flow is excellent throughout this piece as usual with you, but this line in particular stuck out in a bad way: remember us? the dirt between the cracks, the drug peddlers ^This line here really fucked up the flow for me. The previous three or four lines before it were great, but when it came to this one it just stopped and had to pick back up on the next line. actually, this is what happens when we buy into the insanity ^Favorite line. This piece didnt have as many standout bars as I'm used to from you, but all in all it was still much better than most of the om's out right now. Good stuff brah.