WK6: Greed (2-3) vs kannon (2-3) -- kannon 4-1

King Ra. · 11-04-2014, 05:24 AM

AOWL Season IV, Week 6

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

TOPIC:

Turn the Tables

Good luck, @kannon and @Greed.

kannon · 11-08-2014, 05:09 AM

good lookin out

plug in the a/c, power up the direct drive
blow the dust off of the vinyl and let's ride
put the needle in the groove, that crackle is my cocaine
thirty three and a third, revolutionary dope game
start with something basic... rakim, or g rap
de la, and wu-tang, whatever will make 'em react
a break beat for the b-boys, get the huddle to move
master the fader, behind the back, juggle the loops
my sound is my identity, there isn't much past that
my crates and my backpack. transformer and crab scratch
layer the samples when they start to want something more
vocals all chopped up like veggies on a cutting board
twiddle, tweak and drill, then the lingo gets morbid quick
cut, stab and drag... but I ain't talking bout a horror flick
tape mixed, been going in just about an hour now
click off the record button, unplug and power down

throw the tape in my duffle bag, head into the restaurant
apron on, hair net, so I dont have to stress a lot
makin the money to fund my dreams is what I gotta do
even if seeing me in this outfit is comical
rolling silverware and then im marrying the condiments
cant stop the hustle, rule number one, thats common sense
gotta make ends meet, serving patrons is the basis
business or pleasure, i'm turning tables til i make it

Greed · 11-08-2014, 05:46 AM

My eyes narrow, I eye a pharoh, a queen at his side
I try not to stare though or they'll know the secrets I hide
What do I care for, as fare go I got much on the line
Im prepared so to begin my concerto I throw in the blind
Two call, one fold, im getting blue balls with lady luck though
The flop show not one more face card, yet an ace glowed
I feel a sense of nervousness and hate for the turn that bore a 8
Sure I made a few mistakes but the river replaced my faith
King, another, plus the one up my sleeve makes three
Plus the two 4s on the board a house of fools will keep me free
I push heavy to get rid of the excess and see who wants to leave
Which was everybody but one, that fucking bastard steve
He.... didnt per se have a tell, glasses at an indoor game
But his background was best known mostly for wreckless war games
I had to play this carefully as he raised me, the odds are in my favor
So going all in we both set out cards down that we cradled
5 kings appear, and with a deck of 52 one of us is cheating
This looked bad, his buddies seemed to be eerily cheessing
John stood up first, mark broke a half full bottle of sailors
Steve had started to stand up right before I flipped over the table
Cards and chips scattered all over these older men, it was pure pandemonium
I fell slowly shooting down his cronies as I slid over the linoleum
This is a profession, a gambler who always wins with a little fix
With that comes some hazards, but after then you grab the cash and split

Dominate · 11-08-2014, 12:19 PM

kannon - cool take on the topic. Consistent tone throughout, which is especially important when it's a character's thoughts. Rhythm and energy of the verse was very good, and complemented the character's energy/positive attitude. First verse was maybe just a little too long. I think the four lines from 'layer the samples' to 'horror flick' were the weakest in your verse and could've been cut... my battle writing background perhaps makes me overly critical of simple similes and wordplays. Others might like that section. Rhymes were pretty simple for the most part. Not so simple that it took away from your verse - if this was an OM piece I wouldn't even bother to comment on it, - but in a battle it can be a weakness in comparison to your opponent's verse. Overall enjoyable verse, good job.

Greed - not sure if you're improving drastically week to week or just giving progressively more of a fuck. Either way, your verse last week was much better than I had expected judging by your previous work and your verse this week was that again, so kudos. Your take on the topic - a tension filled narrative that ends in literally turning (over) a table - was cool. In the beginning your rhyme schemes were pretty dope, they faded to basic towards the middle/end BUT your wording and descriptors got better... the trade off between them is obvious. I thought this verse was quite good. Some turns of phrase were particularly enjoyable eg 'blue balls for lady luck' and the pandemonium/linoleum lines were slick.

Very close. I had ever so slightly more to criticise about kannon's verse, which makes me lean towards Greed. Good battle fellas.

V/ Greed

Mr. J · 11-08-2014, 02:16 PM

Both of you went over the line limit, which is NOT what I want to read the first time
regardless here I am looking through the pieces...

kannon, I feel like this topic really suits you due to your verse
you capture the idea pretty well and keep on rolling through smoothly
I feel like if not for the extension in lines you might have missed your mark
the ending of the verse serves as a added ingredient to the closure
you as I said at the beginning, shine through and show some dedication
nice work my dude...

greed, same goes for you, the topic suits you as well
you started off with a bang and ended up easing off half way through
at least I feel that you did...I thought you did at least
but eventually you picked back up and made the effort show in the end
....keep it up

v/I feel like the topic was an easily adaptable verse
and feel that both competitors were evenly matched
the extension of lines didn't need to happen and it saddened me...
angered me actually...either way you both showed some passion
and made me read til' the end regardless...
the writer who shined the most was....kannon...nice work my dude

timeless · 11-09-2014, 06:49 PM

The huddle move/juggle loops bar was dope. Kannons double take on the topic was also dope, ended it pretty casually, which isnt always a bad thing. I enjoyed it. Greeds take on the topic was dope too, feels like something I probably would do. You shouldve been in a 3way with NYC and Copy cuz you probsbly wouldve won. Voting for kannon for the better written verse, and imo, a better take on the topic. This could go either way for sure nice battle.

Btw, did you guys not get the memo about the line limit? I feel like im probsbly the 7th of 8 bosses in office space that ask about the tps reports.

V. Kannon

e11even · 11-09-2014, 07:04 PM

Kannon- that was a slick verse. I liked how it came off like an old school track that stuck to the fundamentals of good rap. The last line was a dope closer with the double entendre tie in to the topic. Nice work.

Greed- this was a pretty good verse. I loved the amount of detail you managed to cram in, although the end felt a little rushed. I really dig how this kinda played out like a gritty gang/mob movie. My only complaint is that I wish there was a little more at the end. Cool verse.

MVGT kannon for the classic rap nostalgia feel and the spin on the topic being so smooth. Great battle guys.

Certain · 11-10-2014, 02:41 AM

kannon: I liked second stanza because it inverted what was a way-too-easy take on this topic. I like to be surprised. I wasn't when I saw you made your narrator into a DJ. But the twist was good and felt true, probably because you've been there before. The writing was crisp, and the flow was perfect. There wasn't much emotion or writerly flourish, but the directness was appreciated.

Greed: I wrote a verse earlier this season that pretty much started at the exact endpoint of this verse. That doesn't mean much, but it's an interesting coincidence. This started really rough, like you didn't know quite where you wanted to go with it. You didn't create the atmosphere of the high-stakes illegal card room until almost halfway through the verse. kannon's crisper delivery of his purpose is the differentiator here, but I really like the way you rhyme and tell a story once you find your rhythm. Your verse had more potential, while kannon executed.

Vote: kannon

11-04-2014, 05:24 AM	#1
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932963	WK6: Greed (2-3) vs kannon (2-3) -- kannon 4-1 AOWL Season IV, Week 6 OFFICIAL RULES: Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines. Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. TOPIC: Turn the Tables Good luck, @kannon and @Greed. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.

11-08-2014, 05:09 AM	#2
kannon kickthekan Join Date: May 2014 Location: fresh coast Posts: 1,204 Battle Record: 9-6 Champed - The Mic Check Rep Power: 22752198	good lookin out plug in the a/c, power up the direct drive blow the dust off of the vinyl and let's ride put the needle in the groove, that crackle is my cocaine thirty three and a third, revolutionary dope game start with something basic... rakim, or g rap de la, and wu-tang, whatever will make 'em react a break beat for the b-boys, get the huddle to move master the fader, behind the back, juggle the loops my sound is my identity, there isn't much past that my crates and my backpack. transformer and crab scratch layer the samples when they start to want something more vocals all chopped up like veggies on a cutting board twiddle, tweak and drill, then the lingo gets morbid quick cut, stab and drag... but I ain't talking bout a horror flick tape mixed, been going in just about an hour now click off the record button, unplug and power down throw the tape in my duffle bag, head into the restaurant apron on, hair net, so I dont have to stress a lot makin the money to fund my dreams is what I gotta do even if seeing me in this outfit is comical rolling silverware and then im marrying the condiments cant stop the hustle, rule number one, thats common sense gotta make ends meet, serving patrons is the basis business or pleasure, i'm turning tables til i make it __________________ lnk.bio/kickthekan FIRSTCLASS Last edited by kannon; 11-08-2014 at 05:11 AM.

11-08-2014, 12:19 PM	#4
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,533 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197460	kannon - cool take on the topic. Consistent tone throughout, which is especially important when it's a character's thoughts. Rhythm and energy of the verse was very good, and complemented the character's energy/positive attitude. First verse was maybe just a little too long. I think the four lines from 'layer the samples' to 'horror flick' were the weakest in your verse and could've been cut... my battle writing background perhaps makes me overly critical of simple similes and wordplays. Others might like that section. Rhymes were pretty simple for the most part. Not so simple that it took away from your verse - if this was an OM piece I wouldn't even bother to comment on it, - but in a battle it can be a weakness in comparison to your opponent's verse. Overall enjoyable verse, good job. Greed - not sure if you're improving drastically week to week or just giving progressively more of a fuck. Either way, your verse last week was much better than I had expected judging by your previous work and your verse this week was that again, so kudos. Your take on the topic - a tension filled narrative that ends in literally turning (over) a table - was cool. In the beginning your rhyme schemes were pretty dope, they faded to basic towards the middle/end BUT your wording and descriptors got better... the trade off between them is obvious. I thought this verse was quite good. Some turns of phrase were particularly enjoyable eg 'blue balls for lady luck' and the pandemonium/linoleum lines were slick. Very close. I had ever so slightly more to criticise about kannon's verse, which makes me lean towards Greed. Good battle fellas. V/ Greed __________________ The Bad Guys

11-08-2014, 02:16 PM	#5
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Both of you went over the line limit, which is NOT what I want to read the first time regardless here I am looking through the pieces... kannon, I feel like this topic really suits you due to your verse you capture the idea pretty well and keep on rolling through smoothly I feel like if not for the extension in lines you might have missed your mark the ending of the verse serves as a added ingredient to the closure you as I said at the beginning, shine through and show some dedication nice work my dude... greed, same goes for you, the topic suits you as well you started off with a bang and ended up easing off half way through at least I feel that you did...I thought you did at least but eventually you picked back up and made the effort show in the end ....keep it up v/I feel like the topic was an easily adaptable verse and feel that both competitors were evenly matched the extension of lines didn't need to happen and it saddened me... angered me actually...either way you both showed some passion and made me read til' the end regardless... the writer who shined the most was....kannon...nice work my dude __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-10-2014, 02:41 AM	#8
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	kannon: I liked second stanza because it inverted what was a way-too-easy take on this topic. I like to be surprised. I wasn't when I saw you made your narrator into a DJ. But the twist was good and felt true, probably because you've been there before. The writing was crisp, and the flow was perfect. There wasn't much emotion or writerly flourish, but the directness was appreciated. Greed: I wrote a verse earlier this season that pretty much started at the exact endpoint of this verse. That doesn't mean much, but it's an interesting coincidence. This started really rough, like you didn't know quite where you wanted to go with it. You didn't create the atmosphere of the high-stakes illegal card room until almost halfway through the verse. kannon's crisper delivery of his purpose is the differentiator here, but I really like the way you rhyme and tell a story once you find your rhythm. Your verse had more potential, while kannon executed. Vote: kannon __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

11-08-2014, 05:46 AM	#3
Greed Raw Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 1,721 Battle Record: 21-40 Rep Power: 29975687	My eyes narrow, I eye a pharoh, a queen at his side I try not to stare though or they'll know the secrets I hide What do I care for, as fare go I got much on the line Im prepared so to begin my concerto I throw in the blind Two call, one fold, im getting blue balls with lady luck though The flop show not one more face card, yet an ace glowed I feel a sense of nervousness and hate for the turn that bore a 8 Sure I made a few mistakes but the river replaced my faith King, another, plus the one up my sleeve makes three Plus the two 4s on the board a house of fools will keep me free I push heavy to get rid of the excess and see who wants to leave Which was everybody but one, that fucking bastard steve He.... didnt per se have a tell, glasses at an indoor game But his background was best known mostly for wreckless war games I had to play this carefully as he raised me, the odds are in my favor So going all in we both set out cards down that we cradled 5 kings appear, and with a deck of 52 one of us is cheating This looked bad, his buddies seemed to be eerily cheessing John stood up first, mark broke a half full bottle of sailors Steve had started to stand up right before I flipped over the table Cards and chips scattered all over these older men, it was pure pandemonium I fell slowly shooting down his cronies as I slid over the linoleum This is a profession, a gambler who always wins with a little fix With that comes some hazards, but after then you grab the cash and split

11-09-2014, 06:49 PM	#6
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,623 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341329	The huddle move/juggle loops bar was dope. Kannons double take on the topic was also dope, ended it pretty casually, which isnt always a bad thing. I enjoyed it. Greeds take on the topic was dope too, feels like something I probably would do. You shouldve been in a 3way with NYC and Copy cuz you probsbly wouldve won. Voting for kannon for the better written verse, and imo, a better take on the topic. This could go either way for sure nice battle. Btw, did you guys not get the memo about the line limit? I feel like im probsbly the 7th of 8 bosses in office space that ask about the tps reports. V. Kannon

11-09-2014, 07:04 PM	#7
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Kannon- that was a slick verse. I liked how it came off like an old school track that stuck to the fundamentals of good rap. The last line was a dope closer with the double entendre tie in to the topic. Nice work. Greed- this was a pretty good verse. I loved the amount of detail you managed to cram in, although the end felt a little rushed. I really dig how this kinda played out like a gritty gang/mob movie. My only complaint is that I wish there was a little more at the end. Cool verse. MVGT kannon for the classic rap nostalgia feel and the spin on the topic being so smooth. Great battle guys.