W3: Split (1-1) vs. timeless (1-1) -- Split 5-4

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: If you have the opportunity to play this game of life you need to appreciate every moment. a lot of people don't appreciate the moment until it's passed.


Good luck. @Split @timeless

[Split]

The metropolis burned as we hopped to our feet.
This calls for a speech- hints of hesitation,
eclipsed and dissipated by the glib sophistication
of us- an army of leaders, a generation esteemed.
What was once farthest of reaches is a definite target, indeed-
do away with starving, disease- the 3 kinds of murder in all.
Plant parks lined with trees, pre-sized to perfectly tall!
We'll unite the East yet- then we'll dine with each sect
in a giant peace fest & raffle sixty four prayer rugs...
but Al Qaeda and ISIS, we'll force to kiss before making up.
And yet there's more change to come. Prioritize tech.
2490's advent will see a more refined press
that doesnt dramatize war or glorify sex.
To the future we'll gaze... our mission is lucid.
Swap fission for fusion, finally learn to conserve.
Statistics trend downwards? We'll burst through the curve.

[timeless]

Like Monday told Friday, "I've been expecting you!
Party guestlist? Check. I have the next interview.
Sex in my mood, then a cigarette afterwards.
Yes, in the nude she's a silhouette cracked in thirds.
End of the work week, I still wasn't happy though.
Boss had confronted me about my status quo.
Said, "The companies witnessing some rapid growth.
Most of your co-workers all took a valid poll.
We just have to 'manage', bro! So, the ballot told :
Enjoy your vacation! Here, have this salad bowl!"
Great.
New occasion : relaxed at home with acid, zoned.
Still wondering why I'm at these tragic crossroads.
Sadness, lost hopes had me brewing renegade plans.
I just wasn't cut out for the lemonade stand.
I've seen better days, man. Need to emanate a scam.
Impeach the president! Better yet...
...let's attempt to relegate the 'Man'.
As I pondered this, I stared at a penny on the pavement.
I took it home and framed it.
Have to appreciate the little things 'cus apparently life is what you make it.

[Adonis]

Split - This verse was pretty dope. I loved the message you got across and how you got there. This verse had a lot of ideas, different ideas at that. I snickered at the Al-Quida ISIS line, but thought the ideals behind pre-sized trees and raffling off prayer rugs was especially unique, then you said dramatize war or put sex on a pedestal. Some very solid writing/rhyming and schemes, but it was all out done by the ideas behind the individual lines. I took this as "the rebuilding" of Iran after America is finished committing genocide on the good and bad natured humans alike. I have zero complaints with this verse and thought it was the perfect length, as I'm sure you would have run out of ideas to add thus adding dribble rather then shooting straight for the target. I will say that reading this verse didn't give me a clear cut, direct route to the topic per say, but it did trim around the edges a bit.

Time - Ironic name given the time jumps in this short verse. Went from home, to talking to your boss, to walking in the street talking to himself it seems. Tough to keep up with this verse even as I've read a few times. I don't get who he's talking to after he left his boss, not sure if he got laid off or not. In fact, the conversation started off good, with company growth, then he gets a salad bowl and is in the street starring at a penny. I assume you jumped around on purpose, but I however can not make sense of it all. I also didn't like 'acid, zoned/ tragic crossroads' scheme. Felt that fell way short.


Voting split

He had the clearer vision to me, with a higher level of execution in my eyes.

[Mr. J]

This was a decent battle if the library wasn't closed Monday I would have had the first battle up
eh whatever...

Split, I love your grasp of getting technical within your piece
it seems like you hit your stride early and kept it going from there
always a great way to attack the piece because it be comes effortless
which you showcase very nicely the descriptive style reads smooth
very well structured verse glad to see you at it Mr. 8

Timeless, I admire that you stuck close to.the same amount of lines as Split
I find battles to be more interesting this way its all chance then
Anyway I forget where I was going with this but I felt you started off nicely
you seem to grasp a more...dialogue based aspect of a piece which is nice....
...in longer pieces...I feel as though you are still trying to decide what to do
and maybe your creative juices are slowly starting to process together
you have the ingredients but what you add and subtract hurts you
anyway nice verse...hopefully you realize what you are aiming for

V/Split

[UnbornBuddha]

Good job gentleman I enjoyed both verses. They were both short and sweet. Dissected further, Split's reads like a United nations peroration. A homily of hope against the despair of visual and statistical signs of doom. A brief disquisition entailing the remedy toward ill effect ramifications that plague us so. The wording, and imagery were very synchronous with the rhythmic enthusiasm of a well delivered speech, which emphasizes inspiration against a background of annihilation and abomination.

Timeless, on the other hand, tackled the topic more head on distilling an individual who was recently let go. The allusion of the weekdays is used to emphasize the daily routine of labor being forsaken by a termination date. Instead of a rest period on the weekdays the character now is on a permanent vacation. However, as he ponders the crossroads of his life contemplating rebellion, part of the process of the misery stricken thoughts that accompany dismissal. As all these ideas unravel, the character comes upon a penny and awakens to the realization of the need to unwind, and appreciate the flow in which life is being presented, even that which seems unfortunate and trivial.

In the end, I resonated more with Split's approach. It had more of a rectifying effect on eliciting a suspenseful peak. That zenith component needed to grab the attention of the reader, in any good old fashion literary telling. It took some semblance to that Charlie Chaplin speech in the Great Dictator.

Vote: Split

Thank you

[Certain]

Split: You went a bit outside your comfort zone with this one, which was appreciated. But I don't think you landed all your goals for this because you seemed to lack definition on whether this is some form of futuristic dystopia or a commentary on modern times. The ending was good, and there were a handful of highlights, and I generally think you had a good perspective.

timeless: The rhymes were a bit forced, but there were some very enjoyable stretches in this. "in the nude she's a silhouette cracked in thirds" was a pretty cool image. "Like Monday told Friday" was a great way to start. "I just wasn't cut out for the lemonade stand" was simple, conversational and effective. But then there were lines like, "Most of your co-workers all took a valid poll" and "Need to emanate a scam." The content here wasn't much, but the verse held my attention throughout because of those good turns of phrases. I think if you took time to develop the character better and smooth out those awkward phrases, you'd really have something.

Vote: Split

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Despite there being somewhat of a Forrest Gump-styled words of wisdom ending that I personally didn't appreciate, not because of the observation as such but rather because I would have preferred for it to be understated, timeless brought a nifty little character portrait to the table - it achieved, despite some pretty knuckle-bitingly questionable wording from time to time, a sense of authenticity. Split was the more consistent in terms of tone and cadence and found a way to funnel it down to the essence of it all with his closer (btw I'm not anal about closers or anything, it just caught my attention here as a favorable point of comparison). Well-written within the confines of a short line count, I highly appreciate this match as a showcase of pointed writing - I did in the end find timeless' piece a little more personable, so my vote goes to him (her?).

[asylum]

/v timeless - first of all i related to what timeless was saying throughout his entire piece. there wasn't any place where i felt like he was grasping. multiples really helped throughout. great solid assonance never hurts. ended on a note i just related to. solid verse.
split - my favorite lines were these..
of us- an army of leaders, a generation esteemed.
What was once farthest of reaches is a definite target, indeed-
flowed well and carried the topic nicely. unfortunately, most of the verse.. just felt kind of broken up to me. not bad just, lost me right here...
in a giant peace fest & raffle sixty four prayer rugs...
but Al Qaeda and ISIS, we'll force to kiss before making up.
...idk. i like the message but the delivery just didn't cut the cake. didn't really come back to stong afterwards either. could've been a really solid verse with the ideas presented, just wasnt developed enough.

good match.

[Soulstice]

timeless - I liked 'cracked in thirds' a lot. Face, chest, ass/legs (quarters? jk) is what I got. The rest was pretty solid. Your character was very subtley developed. Has their vices - cigarettes, parties, acid, which affected their work (didnt like the dialogue, seemed unnatural) So that was cool. The ending was great. Really a good symbol for where someone stands in life and what they do to appreciate it. My main problem is you weren't really ambitious with your writing. However, you executed the piece pretty well and I did like the ending.

Split - So this seemed like a mix of commentary on the present/prediction/to commentary on the future. The 2490's threw me off so close to the comments about ISIS and al-qaeda. There were some subtle nods to issues we face today - environmentalism, media shitstorms, but nothing was really lampooned, skewered, or tackled. I enjoyed the read, I'm a fan of your flow and language, but this piece left me with nothing as opposed to timeless's.

V/ timeless
more of a lasting impression

[Adonis]

Split Up 3-4

[Witty]

Split - I saw this verse as addressing what has been, what is, and what ideally will be in the future, that's a lot to pack in to such a short verse but you did it really well, I saw you say something about how you suck at social commentary but that's exactly what this is and I found it very profound in it's simplicity with quick witted and often humorous turn of phrases, such as the ISIS line, which served to lighten the very real and serious ideas within the piece, therefore making it more palatable to the reader, providing great ideas but also entertainment. Your rhyming was impressive and each line transitioned very well...I enjoyed this, a little too short but very good for what it was.

Timeless - This was a cool read too, it kinda felt all over the place in the first read but after reading it again I saw what you were going for. The story was brief but well told, the character was developed well and there was a sense of empathy on my part for the struggle described, it's something many people around the world can relate to which always makes for a popular piece. The dialogue was a little off, it just didn't seem to fit with the general tone of the piece but it was a means to an end, it served to explain the situation the character found himself in. The rhyming was a little too basic for my liking, I would have liked you to have been a bit more adventurous in that regard, but it flowed well, it was a cool story and well written...good job man.

Gonna go with Split , enjoyed both pieces though.

[kannon]

Split. Kind of a weird piece to me. Call to Action being that everyone should be nice and get along, but that's kind of as far as it went for me. We'll all be happy once we all just are happy. I dont know, man. I feel like it's a great idea with absolutely nothing behind it. There is no idea of how we should all get along, or what steps to take, just that Al Qaeda and ISIS should kiss. I mean, it kinda falls in line with the topic, we should all enjoy the moments, and stop killing each other to do it. It just kinda seems like a solution without an explanation. And you know how when you were in school, if you solved the math problem, but didn't show your work, you got points knocked off...

timeless. What would make an invalid poll? Also, I'm confused as to why they gave him a salad bowl. Okay, so dude gets fired. Goes home and drops acid. Kinda strange that you went from being "relaxed at home" to finding a penny on the pavement somewhere. I don't know when you left the home, but you were on acid, so it could have been any time. I like the lemonade stand bar. And the first handful of bars were a dope set up for your character. probably explains why he was fired. I'm still a little unsure why the office took a vote on it though. that doesn't seem to be a thing a manager would do. Have the office vote on whether or not someone gets fired... Anyways. Overall, this was okay. Not awesome, but not bad.

This is actually a really tough one to call. I feel like both had their moments, but both lacked a certain UMPH to really round them out. I think this is going to come down to a matter of preference...I just think I have to edge it to timeless...