Mr. Cringe

[Clayray]

Pan-handling jester with face boils that fester
who's arms out for pleasure when I gather all your coins
nicknamed the Collector.
Hiding out in this frightful house, trying to find peace of mind
everything is quite now, I wish I had a lease to sign.
Tattered trench coat draped over my stout body
eyes peer into your soul & when I speak it sounds godly
shattered glimpse of hope pour from the stories I told
about the glory and gold, how I battered the mold.
Casted away from my masters place, I was the right hand
the left got jealous and told the mind lies it didn't understand
so I was severed, flung upwards to the world of now
I was pouring out, crying on this tortured ground.
feeling cornered, wow. thinking how can I bring hell on earth
I swell in girth, ironic how I clean streets but I hail from dirt.
Ambulating through blood of victims, would Jesus wash my feet?
as redrum spreads & floods the kitchen, I'm having secret thoughts that creep
watching my blood bath'll have you wrought in your seat
open your 3rd eye it's blurred guy, observe what I taught you to seee

[Split]

Didn't really like.

That's not a negative against your writing, but more like a negative against what I *think* you were going for and what you did to achieve that

I mean, it is still subjective, yeah. The subjectivity comes in where I try and figure out your angle or the purpose of the piece.

And that's always gonna be wildly different between one reader and another. But you can kind of make it so there's a correlation... like, so that any reader's interpretation of your language will LEAD to their interpretation of its meaning...

if you can make it so that you consistently do one of the following-
1) clearly & skillfully write with little room for misinterpretation
2) increase the parallelism between your tone & your topic/ subject
3) tell plot-based stories with events
4) generally make your writing tethered to concrete ideas or images that follow a progression or pattern to mimic your development of a theme or thesis or twist or w/e

then your writing will be more cohesive and people will be able to feed it better.

Then, later, this type of self-reflective piece will be easier because you'll have all the tools to do it effectively. Right now, I don't cafe for what you did


it's like the difference between trying to build a song out of chord progressions, versus hearing the notes in your head and trying to pluck them one at a time without any overarching structure or method