W3: Listen (1-0) vs. Unborn Buddha (1-0) -- UnbornBuddha 4-1

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Creative output, you know, is just pain. I'm going to be cliche for a minute and say that great art comes from pain.


Good luck. @Listen @UnbornBuddha

[UnbornBuddha]

Poe was pressed for time to meet his book’s deadline.
A poor struggling novelist with barely enough food to get by
Deprived of survival’s comfort he consistently forsook bed time
Starved for sleep he’ll then see things through his inflamed red eyes
Visions of ghouls and flies oozing out his cranium, mind and brain stem as slime.
Delusional he’ll write beautiful luminous notes that in the daytime will make insane headlines in the infirmary.
But in these moon stretched nights he’ll be so moved by the infernal scenes he’ll compose for an eternity
And as the sun arises he’ll awaken from his impermanent dream and come home to his normalcy.

Yet,
Tired of life’s uninspired ordinary scenes Poe desperately desires to return to where his soul has mass deformities.
Craving adversity he inadvertently turns to coke as an emergency tool to convulse into disharmony.
Hearing horrid voices not of this realm has him so elated he comes to know full blown serenity;
Systemic bliss causes his gloomy smile to contort ever so merrily. Forgetting those he once seriously envied.
You see Poe’s real life was apparently a rumored parody, a jester who always felt materially empty.

This other dimension made Poe internally wealthy.
How? By conforming to perishing early on he has become transformed by perversity
A perilously friendly energy which has entered his heart, a piercing which connotes affirmatively a worsening of his lunacy
But instead of worrying him,
He studiously scripts his pain mentally absorbing suffering through his glee relayed through his sensory organs.
What he hears is comparable to a symphony forged in the turbid bowels of hell, stringently morbid
yet eminently gorgeous like a heavenly aura.
Bio-warfare, nuclear turmoil certainly harms you,
but the poison of urchins appears an amicable wonder that plunders your life force despicably from you.
A flood of serotonin is not nirvana, though common a chemical numbing is not identical to angelical calmness.
Knowing this Poe still proceeds to enter the trance where his preached upon by evangelical goblins.


Hordes of crawling insects maul at him and injure his forearm,
devouring one entirely as he uses the other to jot down the essential version
Having done his elemental purpose, akin to a presidential sermon,
he utterly surrenders to being swallowed by an enormity of infectious vermin.
Disappearing from sight was eminently worth it being able to expressively observe a hellish fiends torment,
Hungry wraiths segmentally honoring his body by dissecting and devouring it,
as he conscientiously pondered them.
Poe too, attentively dissected their performance through journaling what he inevitably learned from them
Creating a once in a lifetime novel and effectively wording it
having genetically sorted them in his DNA, a nexus of organelles.
Poe’s creative output was embedded a horror tale
invented from thawing hell’s icy chambers from his own solar plexus, thus parting hell.
It seems the author was destined for his starving cells to ingest what darkness helps to hide,
headless apparitions with no appendages dwelling where an age old relic of karma hexed them.
Resembling Mother Theresa, tenderly hauling on he became a remnant through heartless penance.
For communicating with the beyond,
his now serving the netherworld’s length of a thousand sentence, yet on earth his message is spreading like cancer swellings.

His novel has become a best seller of this century, and his surviving wife Emily vexing heavily distressingly purchases it,
A widow who has now become a celebrity furthering his legacy by carrying the burden of his memory,
Her fame is so, she's even invited to be the person hosting jeopardy!
So what did he write from his sacrifice, jargon and treachery? No, a breakthrough story of legendary proportion.
Its content upholds and proposes Shen, 神, the spirit to have its own vortex into its home's door step.
Exactly where is the sanctum? Well, you’ll have to read Poe's dismal tale of phantoms, if not you’ll abysmally guess at random.

[Listen]

Tyler

My name is Tyler, and I can speak in many languages, but my favorite is seduction,
So if you catch me at the bar, I’m probably mating with some young bitch.
I don’t have the gift of gab; gab has the gift of T
Slacks or tee’s, I have the one thing that makes chicks want this bag of treats.
Give them a good time guarantee, and they never get mad at me
Too busy cashing this million-dollar smile, and piercing eyes,
Mr. Right now, and I always end communication with a peace or goodbye,
It’s just sex with a ripe rack, a nightcap, two fingers up or a five clap,
Never a kiss, she will never see me again, so not even a wave.
I am too busy loving myself and I’m not feeling ashamed.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Alarm rings, five forty-five’s to my face, and I wish I was talking about guns,
Just some red-digital numbers reminding me to get on my pump and run.
No sign of a headache, magical, lets celebrate!
Avoiding a hangover is like a national holiday!
And why is it magical? Because it gives me that much more concentration
To Houdini chick’s multiple hits when they get impatient.
Pre-work out shaking, I am manning this body station,
Stamina is my x-factor, the reason no ex-matters, and its true
The gym is such a great place to recruit,
If she works out the temple, plus has a face to pursue
Means she will end up at my place very soon.

After the burn out session and avoiding texting,
I get to dressing; mirror the self, just to point out perfection.
Work on 5th avenue, these looks must be paired with the check,
Got the place, job, and whip; who cares about the rest?
Walk in, like I always do, drop my briefcase in front Sue’s desk,
Never look at her. That rules are set,
Two years ago I fucked them all, and a few had left,
I say SUE! Coffee! The blue type,
Barely got through saying “You know, I actually want a splenda”
When she said…

Sue is sick… My name is Jane.

Jane

My name is Jane, and I am fluent in lames,
And decided I would out do these dudes at their game.
I accept the dinners; you see a bitch has got to eat,
And if you don’t like sex then you must not breathe.
Why does this guy keep looking? Is it THAT obvious I had a rude night?
Let me put my phone on silent, splenda, coffee, and the blue type.
Am I thinking out loud?

He won’t stop staring.

When Jane Met Tyler

"Hi Jane", with a smile, piercing me with his blue eyes, is this guy real?
I said hello Mr. Molinari, I’m here…

He interrupted…

"Tyler, call me Tyler."

The day went on, he kept checking on me and looking
And at 5:57 he said if I was in the mood for restaurant cooking.
And what happened next is what you would expect.
Fancy car, fancy charm, his place and good sex…

When Jane Left Tyler

Broads always stay steady, and let their head pound my chest
But with Jane, once we were done, she was already out of bed.
Before I made it out of the comforter she was getting dressed.
Said glad we met.
She pierced me with her eyes; let me cash in her million dollar smile
Said “peace out” without leaving me a number to dial.

I take pride in my looks, mastered sexual activities,
But this was the best, fuck, quite… literally.
As she left I asked, “Did you enjoy yourself?”
“Sure, but tonight will never repeat itself”

But it does.

I made art out of fucking women and my pain,
Knowing there will always be something about Jane.

[Mr. J]

Very nice battle....I reserve this spot for my vote

So this was a nice battle that had a different twist on the competitors
both seem very well detailed about the route that they are taking here...

Listen, listen..you had a very interesting take on your verse...
it read like a short story that wasn't really a short story...format that is
it came across different for me the way it was written, although
some of it's spice kind of lost it's heat as you got to the middle
in any case it picked up after a couple lines and it felt a little on track
making it an easy read but also a piece that could have been tightened up
if you did this on the first try I'm sure you could have threw some editing in
nice work though

Unborn, you unravel a story that has characters interacting with each other
you probably could have taken your verse a little beyond the limit adding more plot
but at the same time you separated the piece into a perfectly amount of lines per section
you grasp the technicality of writing a topical verse and making it work to your advantage really helps
your verse was obviously the stronger verse but could have had more added to it making it a full circle
which is great for the third week...

v/Unborn

[NYCSPITZ]

Listen - I very much enjoyed reading the story progression but thought it ended anti-climactically. Could see it coming from a mile away to be honest. THought you could add a few more layers to it to add some depth and tighten up the wording which got sloppy not much but more often than it should have.

unborn - enjoyed the use of language. Good story and delivery, thought you edged listen here. Your story wasn't as straightforward, but even with a stretched line or two you brought more to the table overall this time imo. Evangelical goblins line was hot


good battle

v/ unborn

[asylum]

unbornbuddha - a little too wordy for me bro. i really enjoyed where you were going with it but just got lost in the excess diction. perhaps some inners or more multiples would have helped me. but the flow felt off. and drawn out. like your style just, didn't best your opponent this week.
/v listen - idk who u are or how u roll but your flow bested your opponent this week. the whole storyline was pretty fucked up. i mean, you couldve just used to introductory sentences in between plot connections.. and it wouldve been way more fluent. but in all reality, you kept syllable counts in line with rhymes in a way that i felt what you said more. so i think you won this week.

[Certain]

This battle reminds me quite a bit of the RSTL's golden era, when everyone had different styles and wrote very different verses (we also were able to pick our own topics out of lists of sometimes as many as 20 options). Mostly, that memory comes from the length, as the line limit was 64 back then. This has to be the second-longest topical battle I've seen on this site, behind the Frank-YDK shit show of Season 2.

Listen: Did you know there's a gynecologist in Massachusetts named Jane Molinari? I found that out through a Google search. I was rather puzzled by the end of your verse, to put it lightly. You told a simple story with a slow pace, so I was expecting some kind of twist at the end. I'm not a big fan of those kinds of verses, but here I think you needed it. The ending as is simply ... ended. The verse felt incomplete. I thought I missed something after the first two reads, so I kept reading. I've read this verse eight or nine times over the last few days. Every time, there are things that I really like about it (smooth storytelling, decent cadence, a few clever lines) and things that I don't (lack of subtlety, occasionally sloppy and simplistic rhyming, drawn out straight-forward character descriptions). But I got nothing out of the ending, no impact on any level.

UnbornBuddha: If you stripped a quarter of the words out of this, I think you'd have something really introspective and wonderful. You overwrite, cluttering your ideas with needless adjectives and adverbs and just dense vocabulary in general. That clogs up the cadence even as you rhyme relatively well. It's not the length of the lines but the syllable counts between what constitute end rhymes, really. Take zygote's latest battle rap, for instance: He uses long lines for presentation, but most of the long lines could be split in half with proper end rhymes to keep the cadence going. Your verses are mouthfuls because they could only be properly rapped by Twista without breathing. But I love many of the ideas you have. And again, you have a grasp of rhyming that shows that you can cut down on some of that wording. The wording doesn't only make it difficult to pick up a flow. It also compromises some of your content, as it is easy to lose the impactful stuff amid the extraneous. I think you're about one step from being a real force in this league, though. I related quite a bit to the first stanza here, and I thought a lot about the images you presented in later stanzas. The ending also was a thinker, though it may have been a bit too on the nose. You structured your verse better, as well. I enjoyed this.

Vote: UnbornBuddha

[Adonis]

Buddha 3-1

[Split]

Okay, so I wanna give you guys a vote but really don't have the attention span for this kind of battle.

Enjoyed both writers use of language and story progressions. Standout lines and techniques from each, notably sensory imagery from Buddha and the 5 45s line from listen. both had points of exceptional language use, but at the same time both abandoned lyricism to an extent for their plot. noticed this more in Listen. UB sometimes stretched rhymes a little too much & had too many syllables on occasion.

I had a preference for UB's narrative voice & attention to detail whereas Listen's dialogue seemed a little shaky, overall felt like UB had the more complete work

V/ UB