WEEK 7: CONTENDERS: Inno vs Ender 4-2 INNO WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Ender

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Inno]

in

[Inno]

@Ender

[Ender]

Oh, sorry, yeah I'm in. I'll post something soonish.

[Inno]

Originally Posted by Ender

Oh, sorry, yeah I'm in. I'll post something soonish.

Take your time I’m posting tomorrow

[Ender]

Coffin of my own making
A new bitch every night, scratches my itch just right
Both sets of lips pressed together so the fit’s real tight
Plus it’s nice when you don’t have to hear them yap
Filling my ears with crap when I just want to spear the flaps
Trying to appear like I care what they think or say
Have a drink okay, I just want to hit the pink today
And it’s easier to play when they’re out of their mind
Falling down blind, then I know I can’t be declined
I guide a bitch to my bed with my scheming caress
Quietly screaming protest, saying no but meaning yes

Help her undress then watch her slowly pass out
Flip her for an ass mount now that she can’t shout
I’ve no doubt the next day she feels like some mutt
Sick in the gut after I treated her like a dumb slut
The numb cunt comes up to me one week later
Shrieks that I played her, so I seek to berate her
I speak in a greater voice and dress down the dyke
I loudly strike by telling everyone she’s the town bike
Sounds like she’s trying to reply but everyone’s jeering
Some are leering but her comments no one's hearing

Soon she’s disappearing out the bar in cloud of regret
I’m not proud she’s upset but hey I’m allowed to forget
Yet three weeks pass and she’s brought back to mind
A sad-sack in white, with my picture to track and find
He’s blind with rage, telling me his sister is dead
After my tricks in bed she’d put six in her head
Said she’s in a box underground, unfairly earned
He hoped I’d learned, that a new leaf was turned
My thoughts churned, does my life need a rethink?
At the bar I see a chick, “Can I buy you a drink?”

[Inno]

Walking Corpse’

In a sea of green they got lost in the ditches
martyrs to a war, saviors of the poor.
ignorant to the cause but so eager to score
brothers in arms holding each other stitches.

Boasting youth so willing to submitt to old ways
giving life before time runs away...
heros of a nation gathering like cattle to the slaughter;
old age's will, some would say.
with a buzz cut and a shave they are new men
a new look and a pair of boots.
boastfull youth mending the fences. Proud to shoot...

"We learned to fight together"


In foxholes fox trotting away from deaths grip
swimming in a sea of red they get lost in the reef.
trading bullets for thoughts, bombs for peace.
war is predictable grief.
losing brothers by the minute, the family tree runs dry,
while its roots soak in the souls.
bravery is a funny thing. But theres always irony
in comedy, some how that makes it ok.
to chase death and not want it, to loathe life and then cherish it.
they pleaded guilty to peace. but the guns kept judging.
those nights the wind blew a little harder.
and the moon hung in the sky a little longer.
disillusioned youth keeping the fence up,
growing years by the bullet wound.


"We made it home heros"


forgotten youth martyrs to a welcome that never came
in a sea of americans they get lost in the translation.
A thrown away sacrifice; Chasing redemption.
so wounds never heal and the scars never mend.
the love of naypalm in the morning
is infectious.
dreaming of sleep with eyes wide shut.
war is contagious.
trying to forget who they are in the dusk.

Forgotten youth, left back when they where young.

[Universe]

Ender - Good flow, consistent. Multi's were there but I found the word choices in this one to be a little elementary. A lot of easy lines were used (right/tight - mutt/slut - dyke/bike - dead/head) so that kind of threw me off. The story was okay, basically some dude date raped this girl who ended up killing herself because of it and the brother comes back and accuses the guy, but he pays him no mind and just picks up another chick. I mean, cool but it seemed to me that wasn't really what the topic was trying to tell us, no? I dont know. You're certainly entitled to your take on it, I just wanted more of a story based and/or focused around the pic.

I'm not hating on your style bro, I'm just constantly getting a different vibe from you almost every week. Maybe that's intended and you want to sort of flip styles with the topic, if so then more power to ya. That's tough to do. I think your first week's verse though is still my fav. I think you tried for that one...

Decent piece here overall though.


Inno - Okay Inno went in a very unexpected-Inno direction here lol. The whole dead soldiers route was cool to me, and meaningful. This had some great lines but it was like digging through dirt finding them haha. You have the ability to not seem like your rhyming at all at first glance but when you look deeper, you are. You've never been the most technically sound writer but your style sure stands out, and when it works - It works.

I felt this was your best verse since the dead man battle, and I can tell you tried for this one, and it showed. This was a complex verse - almost the polar opposite to Ender's simple yet technically proficient approach - and I really liked the subject matter. Again, not what I was expecting, but that's now expected from you lol.

Good work.

Vote - Inno

[Scar]

ender, this seems to be a dialed in verse just to make the deadline. its commendable, but i'm still waiting on the ssj 4 form, you know? the execution is pretty basic although clean. there were no fancy play on word or super creative complex, just a straight forward story one would tell to a friend lulz. i like it, i mean its not the most advance verse, especially in comparison to alot of this week's verses but it knows where the end point is and it went for the straightest path possible lulz.

inno, this was definitely a lot more complex, language wise. the content was interesting. its not anything new, mind you but i love how you went in on it. the last stanza were some of the most resplendent piece of writing i've read since my tenure here. there's so much texture to it. the poignancy, the allusion to films .. it was beautiful my man. i only qualm here was the flow. and i love this couplet
"those nights the wind blew a little harder.
and the moon hung in the sky a little longer."
like i couldn't really catch it. the first stanza was clear it had the abba structure but then after that i was a little lost. the rhyme consisted predominantly of assonance. it took a lot of concentrating to actually catch some kind of rhythm and even then it was very ambiguous. at least to me any way.

this is a strange battle. we have one thats very bare in idea and rhyme mechanics then we have one thats complex in idea and even venturing into a "too" complex way of rhyming. content wise i think inno won by a pretty decent margin, but flow wise, despite its simplicity, ender won by an almost same amount of margin because, to me anyway, inno rhyme scheme was almost non-existence and i feel in a league like that, rhyme should count because if not, i know people here that would write some of the dopest things if they didn't have restrictions of rhymes you know? aw man this is a hard one. as great as inno verse was conceptually, i felt ender's verse was more complete meaning it had a story, rhymes, and somewhat of an intrigue going for it, while inno verse was profound, but if you're not without the restriction of that rhyming factor, i feel anyone can write a profound essay you know? i'm still conflicted but i have to go with my gut feeling.

v/ ender

[Adverse]

Ender - This story felt a little simplistic to mr and akin to Universe I, too found some of the rhyming to be lower tier without any real multies to connect your bars. The overall narrative was pretty decent and I did really like the end of your main character not learning a lesson and just starting the cycle over again but I think the overall product you made here was simplified just by how mundane some of the bars were. My suggestion going forward would be to add some extra vocabulary into your verse and just find better more descriptive ways to tell your story, because the overall narrative wasn't bad and progressed decent enough but the average rhyming took away its impact

Inno - You had a deeper take on the picture, and dug a little further for it no pun intended. I liked how you were able to correlate the idea of being buried physically with the idea of becoming a hallow shell of oneself as a lot of veterans end up doing after war. Thought the narrative was compelling enough but the last stanza really cemented the piece imo. Just the thought of coming home destroyed mentally after making enormous sacrifices for a thankless country resonated with me and was a great light to show it all in.

V/Inno

Was leagues ahead in terms of vocabulary and description. Had a compelling narrative from the jump and shined here where Ender faltered. Keep writing y'all

[Johnny 6 feet]

Ender- Dark as the grave, man. You brought the personality of your narrator to the forefront in this one and made him truly hateable. You a James Cameron fan? That's the type of shit he does, lol. The scenes you described were hard to read because of the subject matter, but well realised through your use of imagery. The punchline at the end, his total lack of regret, was a bold choice but consistent with the type of character you presented. Rhyme scheme was solid. You meshed with the picture well. Vocab wise it could've stood be stronger, but it got the job done.

Inno- Liked your take on the topic. Tentative optimism degenerating all the way to the grave. The imagery, liked your previous pieces, was the strongest aspect of the piece. Some lines in particular stood out for me:

"losing brothers by the minute, the family tree runs dry,
while its roots soak in the souls."

"to chase death and not want it, to loathe life and then cherish it.
they pleaded guilty to peace. but the guns kept judging."

The pacing was strong overall, although I felt the flow of it went off the rails in the middle stanza, like you threw the rhyme scheme out the window. The ending was poetic, sad honestly. You had me thinking about what happens to the people cast off by society after walking into Hell for them and it was a powerful note to end on.


Vote- Inno, while Ender was more consistent flow/rhyme wise, I though Inno tipped the balance with his wording and use of imagery.

[Artifice]

Interesting, two very off-beat approaches here...

Ender

You took a straightforward story approach, which is cool, but it didn't connect to the image as much as it could have. Technically you were on point, although the rhyming wasn't the most complex. It did enough to drive the narrative you wanted. I would have liked to see more development of the character, why is he the way he is? I get that it bothered him for a moment, then quickly moved past it, I just felt that it didn't grab me.

Inno

While you had some really incredible imagery in here, and you took the pic and developed a much more sophisticated piece from it, the rhyming I found difficult to find. There were spots where it was fine, but in other spots and multiple reads I still find it difficult. It's certainly got a poetic vibe to it, but I've always held topicals to a certain standard of rhyme scheme and treat poetry as it's own division. For me, this delved a little too far rhythmically, despite it being superior in other regards.

v/ Ender

[Bodey]

ender- man as sick as it is, i love dark pieces like this, especially with the ending line, i honestly found it comical. morbid humor i guess. but i didnt expect that. i disagree with previous commentary about how this isn't what the picture was trying to tell us-- or whatever i breezed through above. that's why topicals are awesome because you can make it whatever you want as long as you make it connect. i'm not gonna echo what's already mentioned, that this was a very basic technical verse. maybe we are spoiled because we've seen better from you as far as writing goes. all in all, i liked the dramedy approach.

inno- very nice illustrative writing going on here.
the love of naypalm in the morning
is infectious.
dreaming of sleep with eyes wide shut.
war is contagious.
trying to forget who they are in the dusk.

liked this a lot. like, i felt it.

while ender had a more rhythmic breezy read to his piece, i think inno edged this with his imagery, and also that i found the picture matched his submission more than ender's did. also, i found it had more of an emotional appeal to it. with that, i gotta go with him

v/inno