No cream, no sugar.

Certain · 07-30-2014, 02:05 AM

There's a moment when the barista calls my order (a large coffee — no cream, no sugar) that gives me this pleasurable sense of superiority over my fellow man. In that instant, as that midlife crisis asshat unsheathes a straw for his caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping, I think to myself, "What a faggot."

The following moment is when I hate myself most. So the man enjoys a sweet treat on his way to work. He's probably making more than me. He probably goes home to a couple kids and a wife who, though past her prime, still smiles when she sees his minivan pull into the driveway. Maybe he has a sense of purpose. Maybe I could be more like that guy if I drank a caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping and retreated to my dad-mobile with a Steely Dan album cranked to level 8 out of 20.

Maybe I could quit with the self-loathing and Joy Division knockoffs for a second. Am I better for listening to Echo & the Bunnymen? Can you impress someone when you're too aloof even to talk to them? The bags under my eyes suggest that coffee is more for getting energy than because I enjoy the bitterness. But don't I? What am I even going to expend that 365 milligrams of caffeine on, anyway? Another day of listlessly writing for no one in particular and trying to make it through a career that seems short on cash and long on insecurity.

Besides, it's an iced coffee.

gitto138 · 07-30-2014, 02:52 AM

Aw man caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping please

Coup · 07-30-2014, 05:26 AM

lol cool man....keep doing these...suprised i read through this with a sense of whats next. ha

Adverse · 07-30-2014, 07:41 AM

I know this seems really simple in some people's eyes but I loved this. I honestly been wanting to write more like this, this was dope. The imagery was good in the verse as well, idk I just enjoyed this a lot bro keep writing.

Kin · 07-30-2014, 10:52 AM

picture this being read at a open mic poetry slam type shit....who woulda thought I was into a whole piece about coffee... But the dope part was what your meaning behind it all was..

good shit

HoLLa

DexLabb · 07-30-2014, 12:09 PM

james franco is that you man? all i can picture is james franco saying "frapachino" in a gayish voice. come on man... get urself a frapachino nah'm'sayin?

Zen · 07-30-2014, 12:34 PM

DexLabb I wish you wouldn't post things anymore.

This was cool Certain. I can tell you write for you a living.

david stern razor burns · 08-03-2014, 08:00 PM

This was quite good. It was interesting to see a more poetic and real side of Certain. Very relatable material with all substance and no needless filler. Quite impressive to see you load even more ammunition to your already formidable repertoire of writing styles.

oats · 08-04-2014, 11:14 AM

really enjoyed this. there's a short story by BJ Novak that comes to mind. the humorous look at insecurities and vulnerabilities is something I get down with. good shit, you're good at writing free verse poetry - not many are.

Eŋg · 08-05-2014, 03:26 PM

i haven't tried to write like this for a few years because i find i think too much. not to say i write LIKE this, i mean as well, or better, or worse. just in this vein. this was an enjoyable sojourn into the thought process - it might spur me to do something similar which is about the highest praise i can allow myself to give you.

07-30-2014, 02:05 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899403	No cream, no sugar. There's a moment when the barista calls my order (a large coffee — no cream, no sugar) that gives me this pleasurable sense of superiority over my fellow man. In that instant, as that midlife crisis asshat unsheathes a straw for his caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping, I think to myself, "What a faggot." The following moment is when I hate myself most. So the man enjoys a sweet treat on his way to work. He's probably making more than me. He probably goes home to a couple kids and a wife who, though past her prime, still smiles when she sees his minivan pull into the driveway. Maybe he has a sense of purpose. Maybe I could be more like that guy if I drank a caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping and retreated to my dad-mobile with a Steely Dan album cranked to level 8 out of 20. Maybe I could quit with the self-loathing and Joy Division knockoffs for a second. Am I better for listening to Echo & the Bunnymen? Can you impress someone when you're too aloof even to talk to them? The bags under my eyes suggest that coffee is more for getting energy than because I enjoy the bitterness. But don't I? What am I even going to expend that 365 milligrams of caffeine on, anyway? Another day of listlessly writing for no one in particular and trying to make it through a career that seems short on cash and long on insecurity. Besides, it's an iced coffee.

07-30-2014, 12:09 PM	#6
DexLabb song genius Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 377 Rep Power: 0	james franco is that you man? all i can picture is james franco saying "frapachino" in a gayish voice. come on man... get urself a frapachino nah'm'sayin? __________________ ZOOM IN ON THAT ASS LIKE BINOCULARS

08-04-2014, 11:14 AM	#9
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,075 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005425	really enjoyed this. there's a short story by BJ Novak that comes to mind. the humorous look at insecurities and vulnerabilities is something I get down with. good shit, you're good at writing free verse poetry - not many are. __________________ You should be water

07-30-2014, 02:52 AM	#2
gitto138 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: BITER Posts: 138 Battle Record: BITER Rep Power: 0	Aw man caramel-hazelnut frappuccino with a chocolate drizzle over the whipped cream topping please

07-30-2014, 05:26 AM	#3
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	lol cool man....keep doing these...suprised i read through this with a sense of whats next. ha

07-30-2014, 07:41 AM	#4
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,744 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	I know this seems really simple in some people's eyes but I loved this. I honestly been wanting to write more like this, this was dope. The imagery was good in the verse as well, idk I just enjoyed this a lot bro keep writing.

07-30-2014, 10:52 AM	#5
Kin Kill.It.Nonstop Join Date: Jun 2014 Posts: 666 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 662198	picture this being read at a open mic poetry slam type shit....who woulda thought I was into a whole piece about coffee... But the dope part was what your meaning behind it all was.. good shit HoLLa

07-30-2014, 12:34 PM	#7
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	DexLabb I wish you wouldn't post things anymore. This was cool Certain. I can tell you write for you a living.

08-03-2014, 08:00 PM	#8
david stern razor burns with razor spurs Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray Posts: 87 Rep Power: 3750187	This was quite good. It was interesting to see a more poetic and real side of Certain. Very relatable material with all substance and no needless filler. Quite impressive to see you load even more ammunition to your already formidable repertoire of writing styles.

08-05-2014, 03:26 PM	#10
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,146 Rep Power: 0	i haven't tried to write like this for a few years because i find i think too much. not to say i write LIKE this, i mean as well, or better, or worse. just in this vein. this was an enjoyable sojourn into the thought process - it might spur me to do something similar which is about the highest praise i can allow myself to give you.