Spite (CLOSED. DON'T POST HERE FAGGOT)

[Dearg]

Waking up everyday, breaking stuff because these drugs are fake,
shaking from restraint, mistaking love with dreams of lust and change.
Waiting to numb the pain, praying for something to stun my brain,
fading into redundant waste, paying for every penny I was too dumb to save.
I refuse to blame myself, so, I'd tie this noose to every dame I helped,
kick the stool away and dwell, hope the life spews from the way she swells.
It's cruel but fate can't rebel, I hold on and climb through the gates of Hell,
fueled by hate, I'm compelled by woe and her lies brewed like faithless spells.
Strap her down to a table, wrap her mouth with barbed wire and gasoline,
let her heart tire while I spark fire, like a shark dire as I desire her screams.
Staple her eyelids open, the violence soaking in leaving the siren hopeless,
feel like a tyrant omen, the silence broken by the screeching of contrivance focus.
I'm a mindless ghost with spineless roses, tears bleeding from her eyes and nose,
as she's lifeless, loathing signs of emotion, just seeing the way her pride dethrones.
At last, my dream ends and I'm alone, speechless right at home,
no messages on the cellphone, a seamless sky that shines like gold.
I wish I could torture her out of spite, the disorder in my mind might unwind,
but it's been over and twenty five years? That's a quarter of my lifetime confined.
So I try to move on, my groove lost, everything feels new once the truth crossed,
I'm confused God, why do you toss out the muse when we can't consume loss?
Heart is bruised God, how do I produce thoughts without a noose involved?
black and blue God, why do my roots rot? So many questions but no clues to solve!
Is this your judgement for my dreams of punishment? You holding a grudge then?
Now I can't function so you think of conjunctions just to scold me with more injustice?
My visions of bludgeon have no compunction, now you're throwing in dysfunction?
How can I entrust him with something when he's overly controlling and loveless?
I find it kinda funny, but really kinda sad, the dreams in which she's bloody are the best I've ever had,
now i have nothing and I've gone mad, think i'll swing this wrench till she's stumbling to a better path.
Until I'm in a padded room, tied up and medicated like a rabid fool,
I've got passion entombed, eyes bloodshot, an aggravated savage fueled.
Every breath begs her to die, until death, my every step burns in spite,
God can protect her in the light, but guess what wonders through the night...

[sral]

I preferred the beginning over the close, it felt more inspired.

At times your multi syllable matching is a syllable or so out which affects the flow slightly for me and makes it a little disjointed. Ironing that out of your game and making sure the multi syllable rhymes match perfectly would help in that regard.

Another minor thing really is that you at times seem to put the rhyme before the content, then try to work backwards in effect rather than letting it come naturally.

I refuse to blame myself, so, I'd tie this noose to every dame I helped,
kick the stool away and dwell, hope the life spews from the way she swells.

This line in particular highlights what I said above, it's almost like the end of your second line is an afterthought that happens to rhyme. Do you see that? It seems disconnected from what you were saying in the first. It feels tacked on for the sake of the rhyme. What you should really be doing is having more of a text battler mentality when writing these couplets, almost with a "setup" before a "punch" in effect. I think that would benefit you a great deal, basically the "kicking the stool" part was the great follow up to your first line there - but the end of the line was pretty much redundant and felt out of place (even though I know WHY you did it, to keep the scheme!)

Reading further on, I enjoyed that you toyed with the rhyme scheme and switched it up around the "heart tire/ spark fire" section. Your shit read a lot better with the triple-multi string around the "eyelids open" section. The cadence switched up, I read it almost in double time. It's difficult to do and still retain the content - but I can at least appreciate its difficulty from a technical perspective (even if I wouldn't suggest doing that for excessive lengths because it can get redundant itself, and a tad predictable due to the repetitive rhyme placement, also the content tends to suffer when this is done!)

I know, I used to do the same thing. The rest was pretty cool, I guess, given my penchant for the morbid and dark. It wasn't as creative as I've seen from you, but it wasn't bad at all.

Keep that pen moving!

[Mr. J]

I do enjoy the multi usage, I didnt read to the end though I read about 2/8th and was like yea this is long
so I stopped and figured Id take the rest in later.. sort of like a weird microwavable smelling dinner
I may come back to it at a later point when Im further imposed to...

otherwise I enjoyed what you have started with multis multis multis pinball machine