WEEK 4: CANDY 1-2 vs EVICTION 1-2 EVICTION WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX


Verse Due: Friday December 11th @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 50


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:


Good luck!

[Candy]

chokehold

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145963
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145967
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145964

[Eviction]

check

[Candy]

The Day That I knew it tasted like child rape
..

Rainbows and maths, brimestone and ash
My forged footprints from tip toes tap
The jingle with glitter nimble
To the jitters forming giggles
Within waves of around the corner
Corneas of state reach foreigners
Cause of my skirt you can see up
The worth of my signature bust's
Out of my iris into rain
The pupil pulse's through change it makes
A child like smile of delicate shy's
That raise their eyebrow to the sky
With the movement of hair falling tied tired
I tried to skip to hop to jump wired
But why awhile when wavering
My curls in my blonde locks savoring
I always wondered what is rape
The taste of the air on my face
The same day in/out when I bathe
The shapes my bath tub makes through aches
The hair less vagina to anus
The shit for the breath that aimed it
I mean suppose I did you know'd
You know, the girl that wanted *snow
Explosion and lil less growth
Butt lol it doesnt always work
I dont know maybe I just hurt
Not general by genital.. facts
After wards not before each act
It doesnt make sense right two hands
Attached/Dettached yet I have no land
No fence to stand no post to piss
No nose to lift higher then lips kissed
The problem is I squat when I spit
Ima shot of pure lost in abyss
Pure what what for reason amidst
Curiosity soon dismissed
By the scent of ass for my pits
Lets just leave it at that im open
Beyond control all hole soaked in
The hope that the word up's just my skirt
And worst of my worth died when it birthed
So I closed them once I admit
The silence in my eyes that is
Sometimes I think sometimes I dream
Sometimes I dont see what's beneath me
Sometimes I dont just wear panties to sleep
I sometimes only sometimes I believe
The question is do you believe I was
..
I sit down now unwound of washed
Dirty to the core of all cost
But my hymen is untouched once
Eyes in thought eventually bunch
Like blinks missing summers hunt
Maybe I beg vagina to ass
Maybe I let my legs lie as trash
Maybe my panties caused it all
Maybe it's the mere thought of wall
I always fall short..

[Adverse]

Eviction asked for an extension

[Candy]

yeh dude all love

[Eviction]

This is modern day love, I’m still trying to grasp it.
I gave her my heart, it ended with me getting my assed kicked.
I showed her affection, she would piss on my casket.
Showed her with gifts, can’t believe how long that lasted.
Death till us part. I have to admit that’s my last wish.
We clashed until nothing left was ashes, she was so plastic.
I called her porcelain, because her skin toned almost matched it.
Her cold heart could have been weaved into a basket.
Toxic, poison, I can’t believe I drank from the same glasses.
I was infected with her evil, now I’m the one that lights the matches.
Burning the house down with us both in it, wouldn’t be tragic.
It would be therapeutic, if I can actually make that happen.
Slowly pour the gasoline on the fire, as I’m laughing; gasping,
For air and I’m telling you right now it was worth it.
I got rid of her, it was the first time I felt like I had a purpose.
It was almost symbolic when I saw the smoldering curtains.
Her corpse burning just as bad, that night was perfect.
I finally got some peace and quiet and I damn sure earned it .
I thought I destroyed the foundation but I just reached the surface.
Because she would still haunt me, every time I reminisce.
The memories intertwine, I see her on fire then we kiss.
Vectories, finish line that’s the reward I always miss.
So I hope when this story ends I can give you a twist.
One that paints me in a light, because I deserve some sympathy.
If I didn’t set her corpse on fire, It would have been the end of me.
It was me against her, I guess you can call it self defence.
She was on the floor lifeless, and I still feel like a helpless bitch.
I agree, taking her life so I can be free was some selfish shit.
But you’ll soon understand when you walk through the hell I'm in.
I’m just reminded of her ugliness, she even torments me as skeleton.
My own evil surprised me, after her death I thought I would regret it.
I was amazed at how quickly I was able to accept it.
No remorse, and my eyes barely produced a tear.
I just got off when I painted the scene, it showed I was her source of fear.
I wasn’t even shook when her apparition started to appear;
Handing me a broken halo, with bloody wings the metaphor wasn’t clear.
I understood the noose tho, it looked like it was just cut from the ceiling.
When I killed my wife and became free I was blessed with the same feeling.
I can still hear her screaming loud, I’ll die if I ever lose that sound.
I thought making an honest woman out of her would make me proud.
Until I learned that the only honest women are laying in the ground.

[Diablo]

Damn, another tough topic.

Adverse isn’t making this easy.

I think I would have tried to have steered clear of any religious context, nothing around the devil being a former Angel at all. I don’t think anyone would appreciate that as we’ve seen it done over and over (unless you really had a sublime twist on the take for us to mull over of course). The interest to me here is the duality in the image; dark and light, good and evil, right and wrong etc - It leaves it open to a lot of possibilities, really, with the centrepiece being perhaps either where your story would begin - or end - depending on where you were to take it. I think as far as the image itself it leaves a lot to be toyed with, the broken Angel, the halo, the noose around the male characters neck etc - there’s a lot of room for character development and you literally have two ready made characters there for you to explore in your writing with a centrepiece gifted to you in terms of creating a conflict of some kind to drive your story home. There’s a lot to redact from this picture. Let’s see what you guys did.


Candy - Firstly the title you selected for this drop is LULZ. I’m still not honestly sure how I feel about that particular title, but the fact you went for it speaks volumes. I enjoyed the shorter lined style in terms of flow and digestability, in truth there were a few sections that felt difficult for me to comprehend what was being said:

The jingle with glitter nimble
To the jitters forming giggles

I’m honestly at a loss as to decipher this section, my best conclusion is that you were referring to people as “the jingle with glitter nimble” type people (Christmas lovers perhaps in the holiday spirit a bit too much?) and “the jitters” meaning people who laugh at the former and titter to themselves behind their backs? This is the best attempt I could make at that couplet. If I’m wrong, feel free to explain. I tried to get it. I hope you at least appreciate that if nothing more.

I think after that you descended into some carnality, the idea of someone “wondering what is rape,” didn’t sit too well with me. I don’t doubt some people have that fantasy but surely they’re in a minority, I got the mention of “*snow” also. Don’t worry. It certainly wasn’t very festive. The addition of a random “lol” mid verse threw me slightly as no one talks like that - butt I got the wordplay, just for clarification. I think toward the end of the verse you definitely had an idea in mind for a concept, along the lines of some “Daddy’s Little Angel” with white as some sort of purity - a virgin - waiting to be desecrated for the first time. I get the idea, I just think maybe the execution needed more clarity to fully develop the concept further into something beyond what was presented.


Eviction - This was different to what I’m reading from you, maybe less mechanical from a technical stand point but possibly all the better for it as it read with a much looser, less rigid, and more natural form to it than some of your previous work. The carried over rhyme, over multiple lines actually, was a noticeable point of reference here as you did something your opponent hadn’t and showed a clear separation between the two of you. I enjoyed the more punchline-esque opening couplet. I think you tapped into the image provided more and developed your story around it, giving your lead an impetus and a conclusion which again drew a distinct line between yourself and Candy here in terms of clarity and execution. I don’t think your flow was bad either, so in terms of sheer categories I look for when dissecting who would win I have Eviction ahead in more categories overall and ticking boxes in several key areas above what I had read from Candy this week.

I’m voting for Eviction.

[MMLP]

eye candy – very taboo hahaha. the short line approach is always appealing, this reads more like a poetry piece I have to say, may not work in topicals but executed good here. I think the title (LOL) shouldn’t of been placed/ stated so early. it kinda ruins it going forward, you sorta know whats coming and what to expect. I think multi stacking will help your pieces flow better, few tweaks here and there because ambition is on show from start to finish!

Evicted – nice pacey start, kinda lost the fire in technicity after ten lines or so, but it was maintained enough to a standard. The storytelling was good, emotion was there if not the imagery but I don’t think you went for that judging by the overall tone. Focused more on developing the story and it ties in well I have to say, I didn’t hate either read in truth

think Evictions piece embodied the pic more, edges it in storytelling and technicality
Cool battle overall

[Master Rock]

Ok, Candy I never had a chance to read any of your verses from what I can recall and goodness that was something. I knew from title that you should expect something to swing at you unexpectedly. But it hit with an unexpected disrupting path, I questioned this for relevancy and couldn't justify it, since the main character is fantasizing about being violated. But yet, I get a sense that innocent is being lost, possibly referring to the removed halo and broken wings and handing them over to the opposer. It seems a little confusing because I really can't capture the victim's stance on this situation.
As for Eviction, with took on a perspective of a madman attempting justify his demented actions. In his verse there were a few sections which I questioned like what???(Not quite making sense and pulling me away from the story).
examples:
"Her cold heart could have been weaved into a basket." huh???
"Vectories, finish line that’s the reward I always miss." I was a 3D artist for sometime and understand algebra but this part just took me away from the overall all piece.

However, with my gripes Eviction got this pertaining to the story which points out the subject vividly,
"I wasn’t even shook when her apparition started to appear;
Handing me a broken halo, with bloody wings the metaphor wasn’t clear."
That was slick.

I'm giving it to Evic.

[Universe]

Candy:

WTF is up with that title? Lol. Okay... this should be interesting.

Dude... this is messed up haha. You actually had some good lines in there ("Ima shot of pure lost in abyss" was cool) but they were surrounded by some bullshit. Sucks you didn't really take the topic seriously this week. I mean, I get what you were going for... lost innocence, etc. and I don't even mind the fucked up nature of the piece, but it could've been done so much better.

Overall this was just too... tongue n' cheek for me, I think.


Eviction:

Liked this. You decided to go the multi's route and it worked well for you. Cool story and technically sound all around. Impressive.

"I agree, taking her life so I can be free was some selfish shit.
But you’ll soon understand when you walk through the hell I'm in.
I’m just reminded of her ugliness, she even torments me as skeleton.
My own evil surprised me, after her death I thought I would regret it.
I was amazed at how quickly I was able to accept it..."

- loved this^^

Yeah... held up throughout. This was an easy W for you this week, but you would've given actual competition a run for their money with this verse. Probably your best piece so far in AOWL.

Vote - Eviction

[Mr. J]

Candy, I'll be honest with you, I stopped reading after you lol'd midverse, after the topics I've read beforehand that just took me out of the loop and didn't strike me as something to be done amongst the route you took your topic, either way I think that you could have made this battle well balanced in your favor had you kept your head on straight until the end. Decent work though.

Eviction, your piece was well done and had some thought put into it's process that helped deliver on the schemes you've chosen. I enjoyed it up until the end, I don't know why it put me off maybe it's because after the first half you started to slow down on what you were working with but it just didn't sit right with me, regardless your verse picked up in the spots Candy were slacking in. So nicely done.

V/gotta give this to Eviction, his verse was more complete and had a stronger grasp on his topic, I felt Candy dropped the ball and it really affected the outcome, either way this battle was ok and if the focus remained intact I might have had more to say. but I'm giving this to Eviction.

[Pharaohs Army]

Candy
Not surprised by the subject matter. Your past works and reputation. Careful, don't pigeon-hole yourself into one kind of subject.

That aside, the verse itself. Well, particularly in the beginning you have some grammatical shortfalls. I'm not going to quote them all. If you PM me I will quote all the lines where I thought you could clean them up and fix grammar.

I thought the end hit hard because the protagonist is questioning "is it somehow my fault" for the rape.

Your unconventionality sometimes helps you, sometimes hurts you. I think in this case it hurt you, because although the piece has emotion, until the end it's kind of scattered.
Thanks for the read.

Eviction
Pretty deranged story with good multis and rhyming. Likely enough to take the W here.
Enjoyed it for the most part, EXCEPT please don't ever:
So I hope when this story ends I can give you a twist.
Kind of takes away from the piece here. Almost sounds like the WRITER (you) as opposed to the character who was speaking. No need for this line, just do the twist.

The imagery in the beginning was pretty powerful and you did a good job describing the man's reasoning and lack of remorse.

V Eviction