WEEK ELEVEN CONTENDERS: DOMINATE (7-1) vs DEAD MAN (0-0) DEAD WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK ELEVEN

@Dominate @dead man

Verse Due: SUNDAY JUNE 26TH @ 11:59 PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:






GOOD LUCK

[dead man]

For Gabriel


i wish i could reach you
in some way or another
you left me here in care
of both your sister and mother
and i promise i'm trying. but its a fucking disaster
their whole life now is "before and after"
stupid bastard
pressed pills and alcohol you're Pontiac whippin
insomniac addicted to a thousand prescriptions
business graduate, christian nigerian-american, gifted. slash
another fiend fixing out by Erie and Michigan
your bicycle is fixie and your history checkered
running into bathrooms like yo gimme a second
adderall and valium and oxy and cut
read your texts and everybody's last name was "plug"
goddamn it you suck
you could have been my brother if you waited around
made them proud instead of breaking them down.
they're fucking lost. pacing the balcony
wailing praying out loud, shaking sobbing laid on the ground
you created space for all your family ties to unwind
dude. EVERYBODY BLAMES THEMSELVES for letting you die
stupid fuck. i could have loved you.
thats the part that i hate
you stole a hundred people's hearts away the moment you faded
hey
i spent the next morning scrubbing mucous and blood
out of your rug with Shout and a sponge. thank you so much
you fucking dunce.
Grace has cried like 60 days in a row
screaming why did you decide to leave them alone? ok
she knows it was an accident but seriously, Seun
you were EVERYTHING to them and you abandoned them both
Kobe fanatic, Laker jerseys polo jordans, sunglasses
you saw yourself as an artist who never mastered his craft
copped a keyboard since Mac Miller made you try to produce
guess you loved him enough to want to die like him, too
she found you there. pants at your ankles
face-down, 3 days decayed, dancing with angels
i have to say
i know i WOULD have loved you, but i hate you
so ungrateful. sacrificed her life to let you exist
now you're cursing out your mom between your fentanyl trips
we watched them dig your grave. watched them lower you down
freezing rainfall everybody threw a rose at the ground
we never even met and yet you changed me forever
if i marry your sister i hope you stay after dinner
and listen to their stories of you, their laughter and tears
watch it soften over years into nostalgic endearment
i wish i knew you.
either way, i'll hold them down while i can
the least i can do is promise you that. honestly, man
it's almost like
you can't be gone
but you can





dm

[Dominate]

Marco trembled in fear as they lowered him into the grave
He imagined the stench of decay, - all around him, inches away
Fighting down panic, he gazed at the minister’s wrinkled old face
Unblinking and staid as the others as he sprinkled his incense and prayed
I’ll see you again. I promise. Wincing, he remembered the day
The sound of her choking sobs, prying tiny fingers away
I promise. One way or another. For months, his singular aim
Fuelled by white hot, lingering pain. Was it really ending this way?
Fevered words poured out of him, - every line he could think of to say
Knowing it didn’t matter; he had a debt he couldn’t begin to repay…

.
.
.

The dry summer air was infused with the smell of citrus
Maria wore a frown of concentration he’d seldom witnessed
As she carefully pulled the sapling from its pot and teased the roots
The method that he’d shown her that she faithfully reproduced
“Soon we’ll see the fruit” she said with the confidence and ease of youth
Setting the tree into the hole and replacing the soil that had been removed
They sat a while then. A gentle breeze tempering the heat of June
“I wish Mama was here.”
“Yes”, he agreed, “me too.”


They arrested him at work. Covered the exits and entered at the rear
Sporting ICE windbreakers and contemptuous sneers
The thin veneer of judicial review only bought him a matter of days
A final chance to hug his daughter before they snatched it away
Back across the border, he fought the urge to collapse into grief
He found a smuggler who could take him back – for a staggering fee
More than he could beg or borrow from his entire family tree
If he worked and saved for years he still couldn’t manage the feat
He did the only thing he could; became a dealer, started to sell
Amazing what desperation does to morals you thought that you held
It still wasn’t enough. He needed the money to develop quickly
He found a back-room poker game. It was that, or sell a kidney
Besides, he was good at cards - he had that sort of a mind
Or so he thought, before he lost it all with a full house against four of a kind
Months of work, gone in an instant. He was filled with anxiety, dread
He found a church on the edge of town, sat alone, and quietly wept


pours his heart out to the priest
Priest takes pity on him
Church’s cemetary has a special grave that connects to a smuggling tunnel *surprised pikachu face*
“Sent to the other side” wordplay
Priest says a prayer to send him off, Marco says a bunch of thankyous
Adios

[NYCSPITZ]

Not sure how to vote on this. Dom’s verse was dope but 1/4 undone, then he let DM post 249328 hours late, very strange to vote on something like this.

DOM: I like how you start at the end, the chronological shifts of this nature usually are dope to me when executed correctly. You executed it pretty well in fact, but I have a few questionz. I’m not sure what debt you’re referring to, it reads like he bet his life savings on poker and lost? Debt to the priest for smuggling him out? Debt to his daughter for leaving her alone in America? It also reads like he thinks he’s dying while being lowered into the cemetary hole, maybe that’s just basic instinct kicking in, but in your footnotes you allude to his escape through the tunnel…maybe you were making it intentionally ambiguous, I can dig that, I guess. Unless the priest and his crew were psychopath killers luring people in like that? It’s a dope story, well written but I just can’t grasp it firmly. The dialogue was real sparse and would sound better if you left out “he agreed” in this instance and just let the dialogue do the talking. But like overall it was dope man, I would’ve liked to see how it tied together with a finished product but it was nice of you to let dm post against your 75% verse. I think with a little cleaning up of concept and the final part it could’ve absolutely been a monster verse. Just like you said it seems like you didn’t have the time to turn it into a finished gem, but the skeleton of a real dope verse is there for sure.

DM not your flashiest verse but pretty raw and showed mastery of the language. It seemed a little odd to me that Seun’s sister’s fiance/bf is so invested in him without ever having met him. Like Grace finds him there, he’s all morose and cleans up Seun’s OD death vomit, and then reminisces that hard about dude, he must have a serious pathology with the numinosity of the lover archetype, seems like a very overly sentimental dude. tho the fiance is slightly unrealistic to me as a character you had your usual streaks of beautiful verbiage (dancing with angels, nostalgic endearment) and painted a sick picture of the precocious kid who ODed (yo gimme a second) in few words, not many can do that. Fixie bicycle, had to look that up, sick line…ending tied it together nicely but it almost veered on TOO sentimental, sort of cloying in a way. That said, I still enjoyed it immensely, read both a few times and I think I’m going with Dead Man here.

Not sure who I would’ve voted for if Dom edited and added the rest. Welcome back to the fold

Also I gotta ask, why are his pants at his ankles there? Was he taking a shit or shooting heroin/fetanyl into his dick vein? He took his belt off, shot up and died? His pants should’ve been on still nigga the fuck?

[Adverse]

Dom - hate that you couldn’t finish this. Really liked the direction you were going with this one and I’m sure you thought you had it won when dead hadn’t shown yet. The story progressed well, you did a great job with your description of scenes especially in the beginning stanza. Also liked how you had the big reveal going that Marco was going into the ground, but not to be buried, to escape instead. Liked that breaking of the mold and your story reminded me of that gruesome news story recently of all the dead immigrants found in that truck in San Antonio. Thought that was the direction you were going with this one, but was really impressed either way. You’re a great writer and if you stay in and complete your verse next week you’ll be right back here before long.

Dead man - this isn’t the DM I’ve grown accustomed to, that’s not a bad thing but I just felt this story was even more emotionally raw than your usual. You could feel the frustration in your author’s voice as you told his side of the story. Kind of reminded me of “I’m sorry” by Joyner Lucas but saying things like “you fucking suck” and what not really humanized this for me because watching somebody leave the earth via suicide is a frustrating thing, and watching the people left behind to unravel the mess isn’t enjoyable either. Really good for every reason that your usual deadman verse is enjoyable. Told an excellent narrative.

I think this could have been different had Dom been able to have a full story told, but all hopes of him winning went down the drain with his abrupt ending that turns almost parodic on itself. dead man wrote a great verse here and deserves the W

V:Dead Man