Unknown Cyber Heroes

Exis · 01-05-2014, 01:33 AM

Ayo,

'Bout to embark on his journey
kisses the wife, kids and smiles
then says "I'll miss you
you guys
take care of your mother, each other
and to your sisters be nice
as it's after dark I'm returnin'
movin' thru the stillness of night"
then off on his mission he strides
whilst a whistlin' like this
some sorta departin' excursion that he's enlisted his time in
fully committed to try things before he's lived out his life
'cause to surely miss this you'll die
leavin' no mark as a person
he goes to fight the good fight,
she's left to tend to the brittle ones
but he'll get to send her a little love
and show his grimy hood side
as a instant message from nigga's does when the reply's not good bye.

Eŋg · 01-05-2014, 02:39 PM

flesh it out more.

i generally like the way you write because it borders on free-form, and you place your rhymes well. your verses tend to have an energy about them for that reason. your line/breaks (wow technical term) seemed to emphasize the rhythm yet make it less obvious, too. that doesn't make sense but i think it's just reading versus speaking. the meter was fine. nothing felt particularly stilted.

Geno · 01-05-2014, 06:12 PM

This is an ill style. You have a dope way of breaking away from the sheme and then pulling it tightly back together. Very slick

Content was pretty heartfelt. Seems like a typical father to family talk before a mission out at work or hatever the case was here. Definitely felt it. Different, I like that

Exis · 01-05-2014, 06:17 PM

Thanks for the looks man...I'm glad you dropped sumthin' here 'cause if you didn't I may never have noticed that only half of the verse was submitted...I copy & pasted it (unaware it hasn't highlighted all of it) then deleted it from word pad as I posted it here, so yeah my bad it's no doubt gonna appear unfinished now lol...can't remember what came after that last line but if I do I'll edit it in...and thanks again for the feed y'all.

Vulgar · 01-05-2014, 06:18 PM

Sup Ex.

You didn't reveal much here in the form of personal details about the main character and his family. This was a parched version of what it could have been. Simplistic, which isn't a bad thing. It just leaves those hanging who were hoping for more of a full palate. Cool tie in with the title in the last line...just not very satisfying judging it from how I walked away from it.

01-05-2014, 01:33 AM	#1
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Unknown Cyber Heroes Ayo, 'Bout to embark on his journey kisses the wife, kids and smiles then says "I'll miss you you guys take care of your mother, each other and to your sisters be nice as it's after dark I'm returnin' movin' thru the stillness of night" then off on his mission he strides whilst a whistlin' like this some sorta departin' excursion that he's enlisted his time in fully committed to try things before he's lived out his life 'cause to surely miss this you'll die leavin' no mark as a person he goes to fight the good fight, she's left to tend to the brittle ones but he'll get to send her a little love and show his grimy hood side as a instant message from nigga's does when the reply's not good bye.

01-05-2014, 06:12 PM	#3
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	This is an ill style. You have a dope way of breaking away from the sheme and then pulling it tightly back together. Very slick Content was pretty heartfelt. Seems like a typical father to family talk before a mission out at work or hatever the case was here. Definitely felt it. Different, I like that __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

01-05-2014, 06:17 PM	#4
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Thanks for the looks man...I'm glad you dropped sumthin' here 'cause if you didn't I may never have noticed that only half of the verse was submitted...I copy & pasted it (unaware it hasn't highlighted all of it) then deleted it from word pad as I posted it here, so yeah my bad it's no doubt gonna appear unfinished now lol...can't remember what came after that last line but if I do I'll edit it in...and thanks again for the feed y'all. Last edited by Exis; 01-05-2014 at 06:20 PM.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

01-05-2014, 02:39 PM	#2
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	flesh it out more. i generally like the way you write because it borders on free-form, and you place your rhymes well. your verses tend to have an energy about them for that reason. your line/breaks (wow technical term) seemed to emphasize the rhythm yet make it less obvious, too. that doesn't make sense but i think it's just reading versus speaking. the meter was fine. nothing felt particularly stilted.

01-05-2014, 06:18 PM	#5
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Sup Ex. You didn't reveal much here in the form of personal details about the main character and his family. This was a parched version of what it could have been. Simplistic, which isn't a bad thing. It just leaves those hanging who were hoping for more of a full palate. Cool tie in with the title in the last line...just not very satisfying judging it from how I walked away from it.