|
09-26-2013, 08:51 PM
|
#1 |
|
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682   |
Dancing Mad
Pitiful....
Yet I applaud the effort, it's not often I off an expert a pathological liar, squandering lectures...lost in a desert searching for water, something to copulate pleasure make it easy for them to get in, I operate censors send bars where need be, cut off speech & leave bleeps heart moniters & IV's, knee deep in Paris sir, wee wee take a roll of TP, reverse time & walk the trail with tears you young'ns is cradled in fear, listen like you fail to hear... I'm observant as a wordsmith, determined to deter, quit... play you like a violin, pluck each string til' it's curtains life's a beach for you neurotic mermen...the robe I'm emersed in.. makes me nervous...I'm Poseidon motorboating the horizon there's nothing you could hide in, nowhere to run, dive in... wave as you ride in...say hi and send the best of regards bury all hope until you could tighten up...take a lesson from the Gods take depression with the odds, then call in the mornin' lighten up, it ain't about what you eat, it's all in the portion keep feeling yourself & like Cronus swallow your kids.... call it an abortion
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you Last edited by Mr. J; 09-26-2013 at 08:55 PM. |
|
|
|
09-28-2013, 01:59 PM
|
#2 |
|
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 501
Battle Record: 33-12
Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x)
Champed - Art of Writing League (3x)
Rep Power: 737828 |
Good rhyme scheme at the beginning. Stylistically it seems to be influenced by the user deadman/Black D. but you have done the format justice here. Perhaps the "leave bleeps" and "deter, quit" rhyme schemes were not as strong when compared to the other rhymes you employed. Also, the quatrain seems to work better than the x2 rhymes for this format, it kind of builds up momentum as you are reading it.
|
|
|
|
|
09-29-2013, 03:54 PM
|
#3 |
|
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682 |
Interesting take on how my verses are inspired
strange....yet interesting
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
|
|
|
|
09-30-2013, 07:03 AM
|
#4 |
|
.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8,898
Battle Record: 27-22
Rep Power: 85899398 |
makes me nervous...I'm Poseidon motorboating the horizon
there's nothing you could hide in, nowhere to run, dive in... wave as you ride in...say hi and send the best of regards bury all hope until you could tighten up...take a lesson from the Gods take depression with the odds, then call in the mornin' lighten up, it ain't about what you eat, it's all in the portion keep feeling yourself & like Cronus swallow your kids.... lmao at the ending, dope shit q
__________________
http://split8.yolasite.com |
|
|
|
|
10-01-2013, 02:24 PM
|
#5 |
|
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682 |
Thanks Split
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
|
|
|
|
10-01-2013, 10:50 PM
|
#6 |
|
Arm the Homeless
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,102
Battle Record: 22-24
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 35079722 |
The flow on this was fucking perfect. You gotta nice "fuck you I'm better than you style". I say that in a good way of course. I think if you tried swag and flow out you'd do pretty good for yourself. Keep dropping J.
|
|
|
|
|
10-02-2013, 08:47 AM
|
#7 |
|
Keeper Of The Fresh
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mayhem Gardens
Posts: 84
Rep Power: 36 |
I like the way you carry your flow here. i wasnt feeling the Leave bleep, wee wee and deter quit lines from the way they rhymed. but other than that this is a solid piece. nothing over the top blow your mind but a smooth read.
__________________
|
|
|
|
|
10-07-2013, 06:40 PM
|
#8 |
|
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682 |
I fear some people are incapable of catching the pauses & such
deter *pause* quit...you say it correctly it slants well into the next section then again...who knows...more fun to arrive
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
|
|
|
|
10-08-2013, 02:49 PM
|
#9 |
|
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Rep Power: 0  |
heart moniters & IV's, knee deep in Paris sir, wee wee
hahah what??? loved the multis in this piece this was such a different verse. would love to hear audio..... |
|
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
