12 hours of overnight protection

Mitch · 09-20-2013, 01:33 AM

I been diggin thinkin that somthing coming up from the gopher hole swole i swore that ide stay diggin and wishin skippin the brethrens stones out of swole nails, told tails with stature of back support for mechanical man of length unmeasurable and better if whole, sold at wholesome whole sails with sinister minister misters sippin gold grails through gold grillz that catch flashes of carnivorous scraps adraft and dash beneath to feast like gulled gills.
Amass amidst the beasts unleash the goals guilt and go biuld.

Zen · 09-21-2013, 10:33 PM

I'm stoned and will give you no mercy.

I have two words you need to become a better writer.

Word number one: Punctuation. I don't know what the fuck is happening when there is one huge fucking run on sentence. Use commas to signify pauses.
Word number two: Dictionary. When someone spells I'd as ide, or tales as tails, I can not and will not take them seriously.

All in all this was a jumbled mess which could be really cool, maybe.

CopyPat · 09-23-2013, 01:19 AM

ahah i agree with zen. ur other one i read was dope.. this was just lazy and fucked..also the rhymes were real simple too.. nothing here really... this should have been a post in cypher rather than a new thread in open mic. put a little more time and effort into it man

ill read ur next one

e11even · 09-23-2013, 04:23 AM

LSD is all I saw when I read this. That said, I'll read you again, hopefully when you're sober :)

I think you were just spilling whatever came to mind, and as a fellow brainstorm writer/ADHD patient (lol), i respect that. I'll take it for what it was: a freewrite. Keep growing.

09-20-2013, 01:33 AM	#1
Mitch Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 160 Rep Power: 2208351	12 hours of overnight protection I been diggin thinkin that somthing coming up from the gopher hole swole i swore that ide stay diggin and wishin skippin the brethrens stones out of swole nails, told tails with stature of back support for mechanical man of length unmeasurable and better if whole, sold at wholesome whole sails with sinister minister misters sippin gold grails through gold grillz that catch flashes of carnivorous scraps adraft and dash beneath to feast like gulled gills. Amass amidst the beasts unleash the goals guilt and go biuld.

09-23-2013, 01:19 AM	#3
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	ahah i agree with zen. ur other one i read was dope.. this was just lazy and fucked..also the rhymes were real simple too.. nothing here really... this should have been a post in cypher rather than a new thread in open mic. put a little more time and effort into it man ill read ur next one __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

09-23-2013, 04:23 AM	#4
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	LSD is all I saw when I read this. That said, I'll read you again, hopefully when you're sober :) I think you were just spilling whatever came to mind, and as a fellow brainstorm writer/ADHD patient (lol), i respect that. I'll take it for what it was: a freewrite. Keep growing. __________________ Ahem.

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09-21-2013, 10:33 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	I'm stoned and will give you no mercy. I have two words you need to become a better writer. Word number one: Punctuation. I don't know what the fuck is happening when there is one huge fucking run on sentence. Use commas to signify pauses. Word number two: Dictionary. When someone spells I'd as ide, or tales as tails, I can not and will not take them seriously. All in all this was a jumbled mess which could be really cool, maybe.