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09-12-2013, 04:38 PM
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#1 |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216   |
Utopian Society
my utopian society, each person is there own variety..
I write a free with absolutely no one biting me.. but if we hurt, we still bleed from the cut.. money isnt needed as much, and none of the people are judged.. no ladies are raped and left with a rapists seed and no love.. I hate to see em get fucked, and left on the street with a cut deep in the gut.. everyone will respect eachother equally, y'all is unique you see.. there'll be no such thing as weak emcees.. no outcasting, based on the color of skin you be.. live on an exotic beach with beautifull scenery.. we could flee, to where ever we want without an invitation.. live however we please with freedom of descrimination.. this is a nation free from racists, which is keepin us down.. each person in they own domain will be the king with the crown.. freedom is found, in the heart and soul of you.. you'll have no trouble in life as long as your only true.. only do, things to others as you'd have done to yourself.. never do somthing to heavy to carry under your belt.. blunders will be stomachfelt, dont let limitations limit you.. put your mind to it, Im sure you can do anything you choose.. and if you lose, just keep at it and trying.. its the practice applyin that'll always have you gliding.. never have to be lying, just means you did something your ashamed of.. make sure you love the woman before you make love.. hook 2x my utopian society, each person is there own variety.. I write a free with absolutely no one biting me.. but if we hurt, we still bleed from the cut.. money isnt needed as much, and none of the people are judged.. kneeling on my knees in the mud, just pondering thoughts.. the weight's on top of me y'all, heavy like a lotto ball about to topple and fall.. I just wish that I could escape with birds.. I just wanna murder the bastard that made up racial slurs.. people say they're words, but its not the meaning, its whats intended.. I'll be damned if I'm standing there sayin Im not offended.. I'll knock em senseless, but in the words of the great man.. they feeding off that anger, so try an stick to your gameplan.. live wild, but also be sensible. why? because it only takes one mistake to mess up a life.. you could jepardize with just one word a friendship.. and losing a best friend, is just as bad as being friendless.. mouths fulla jealous remarks, they hadda spoke em.. get back at those kids, by excelling, the words of the blackest soultan.. write anger poems, and try your best not to cough the beef out.. and if they wanna step up, be sure that you knock some teeth out.. I've walked the green mile, pavements of racists.. they cant just stay in they places, they wanna get laid in they graves.. utopia is a world eliminating ignorance.. a world eliminating, all of that nigga shit.. I'm spittin this, but I had to face the critiszm.. of comming from text to writen rhythms.. and I was able to look over, all of these bitchin synics.. and pick the mic up, and I'm spittin the biggest vision.. hook 2x my utopian society, each person is there own variety.. I write a free with absolutely no one biting me.. but if we hurt, we still bleed from the cut.. money isnt needed as much, and none of the people are judged.. outro (talking) its in the rhythm, listen you'll see what I enjoy to do.. I didnt give up, all I needed was a voice to do.. the verses that I spit, realize what your life is worth.. its a gift that you were given, and the shits a priceless serving.. life is turning for the worse, I see it in your face son.. but once you hit rock bottom, the only way you go is straight up.. be wise with decisions, your life is a vision.. talk about problems but make sure your not always cryin and bitchin.. my rhyme and my rhythm, is what I've made of my gift.. make sure it gets remembered when I'm laid in my crib.. the text that I write, will leave a legacy when I die.. and there'll be more to look back on through the rest of my life...
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Last edited by Dove Dozer; 09-17-2013 at 07:46 PM. |
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09-12-2013, 08:29 PM
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#2 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 125
Battle Record: 5-0
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 2645340 |
Cool utopia.
In mine people don't get treated equally. |
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09-13-2013, 07:02 AM
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#3 |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216 |
Thx yo
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09-17-2013, 12:32 PM
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#4 |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216 |
nobody feels this?
Daaamn. :(
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09-17-2013, 06:02 PM
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#5 |
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The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349682 |
Quite nice..quite nice...had a Nasir type of presence here
the vibe was smooth but the "hook" is what really put me off at first I don't enjoy such writings unless in a song...regardless the flow had it's high points, the first section was great second section had me kind of mixed up somewhat... I don't know how but it just did...the end was cool though nice work...keep writing
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.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
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09-17-2013, 08:10 PM
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#6 |
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Mic Check
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada
Posts: 708
Battle Record: 13-10
Rep Power: 3742225  |
I wanna hear this audio bruh, no point feeding this in text really.. too long to feel like reading lol sorry
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My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete. |
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09-19-2013, 04:36 PM
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#7 |
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loose leaf bruce lee
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,077
Battle Record: 7-6
Rep Power: 1853216 |
Any more feed?
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09-19-2013, 08:36 PM
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#8 |
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V.V
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20
Rep Power: 6247259 |
beautiful message, though its sooooo "If I Ruled The World" Cliche-ish stuff.
I dig the positivity, but its just not fresh enough for me. The first verse was a great start, but then a mundane rhythm started and I got bored. And as a dude that is 95% audio, that hook didn't resonate well out loud as a well formed transition b/w verses. Great effort in total, but just needs more energy. Maybe delivery vocally could change my feeling on the matter. Iono. Good shit though.
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Ahem. |
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09-20-2013, 12:50 AM
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#9 |
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 |
This was very Pollyannaish and simplified in both content and writing. It felt a little too much like something Will Smith would write. The hook didn't work for me, either, because if you were to record this, a sung hook would make a lot more sense. There were a lot of lines that need polish, if they were going to work at all. That's especially true because when your rhyme scheme is as generally simple as this was, you really need to hit your syllable counts properly. I've read a few things by you, and I know you're better than this shows.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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