WEEK TWO: DANK (1-0) vs OBJECTIVE (1-0) DANK WINS 3-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TWO

@Dank @Objective


Verse Due: FRIDAY APRIL 1ST @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

GOOD LUCK

[Dank]

Good luck

[Objective]

GOOD LUCK

[Objective]

I could need an EXT

[Dank]

They say love is like a cigarette. Two simple necessities
both fun in the beginning, but will kill you eventually.
While fulfilling our every need with a welcoming warmth
they each have self-given warnings of unhealthy discourse —
Yet we ignore it.
In nothing ventured there’s always nothing learned.
The image tells us his story,
A lover spurred but undeterred.
He looks determined to come to terms with the
reason why.
Weary eyed and sleep deprived, yet we can see those tears have dried.
There’s clearly life in our wallflower yet.
The bouquet looks weathered and folds under pressure
with head hung, but stem strong enough to hold it together.
You may notice the negligence shown to
what’s left of them first.
It suggests that these weren’t sent by a personal friend —
but are ‘sorry’ flowers, in every sense of the word.
These readily purchased gas station options are meaningless.
Overpriced and sold at twice the cost for convenience.
No-one buys them.
The only time they’re offered is really if
the guilty conscience you’re dealing with feels an apologies needed quick.
The fact he bothered to even situate them shows us he cared
even if he no longer shares the same sentiment, the notion was there.
His emotions are bared on his porcelain skin
in the opening where a heart normally sits.
It was stolen from there and then torn into bits
Now it’s broke.
Irreparable.
There’s no plausible fix other than time itself.
The lighting helps convey a new dawn full of brighter sun
while dying yellow chrysanthemums symbolise unrequited love.
Judging by the bunch of flowers sent, albeit to little avail,
we can begin to assail this isn’t the pale figure of your atypical male.
It’s a transitional tale of a body dysmorphic who’s
conscious of flaws and wants to feel ‘normal’ in the one he was born into.
He needs someone to support him through his metamorphosis
to shed his former image and be who he felt assured he is.
They never saw his inner-self, just the most recently used cover,
the sheen of the loose rubber mask his secrecy loomed under.
Its stuck-on smile looks inviting,
yet his appearance had grew sullen
at seeing the two younger butterfly’s flutter by while revealing their true colours.
He yearned to feel like a new woman.
To be who he should be.
A beautiful creature soon to be free of the room that he reinvents himself in while cocooned in its sheets.
As moonlight retreats and the dawn hour sets
Weary eyed and sleep deprived, his tears have dried.
There’s clearly life in our wallflower yet.

[Adverse]

Objective sent me a placeholder verse on the 30th in case he couldn’t post


Compacent Distrust

I think about "Helen", my lovely Helen of Wales,
that keeps me from death as heaven prevails...
But,
the mask is off. I laid it to the side for a minute
to give myself time to think. Pride quarantined it.
Eyeliner of ink stain sheets from crying this week,
I'm an artist that thinks:
"Don't look at him. He's denying he's weak."
Got a photographic memory. It's dramatic indeed...
I relive sensory turmoil to each archaic defeat.
This faux pas cynics ritual became a habit of self,
every lost path in it resemble my signage to Hell.
Listen when I say this. Sheesh...
I got a story I'm dying to tell:

At 12 I had
my first taste of cigs.
It was Prince from a stolen box with gold lettering.
The stick feathering between finger tips and sold better things
than festering grief overshadowed by mom's nihilist beliefs.
She died with conceit and cancer as a harlot brought from concrete,
we so-so believed our connection was wholesome and sweet.
My room was a lonesome retreat with moans from beneath,
groans, cries and scones toned my teeth
while they grinded to Tom Thum and beats.
With songs on repeat nicotine hit.
My escape was so wrong but simple and neat.
The door below slammed open...
Sore whore scammed, coping.
"No more", this hoe's hoping
cus her core dams' broken.
Walked inside my room with severed ties masked by clever lies,
asked if I was high. Sassy smiles wide, fast sighed then I replied past contrived
I'm tasked to stay alive with a savage-like mind that's damaged inside, I...
White face glaced her appearance, said I should stand up and fight.

... But, why?

At 27 I'm still pondering on a bed of discomfort.
Wondering if broken trust and money laundering lust
can pull myself forward.
Fuck, this drive isn't much.
But it's a sombering crutch to a following mush of bi-polar rush
to buy everything you need and keep your environments lush.
High scholars brush over nine dollar lunch and white collar brunch,
my night lights dim grey sky colored walls empty hearts wouldn't munch.
This soul isn't eating it either, it's defeating this eager
motivation for life to be simple and sweeter.
My situation of strife looking bleaker and bleaker,
my position is nice but equally bitter.
Each pill making my liver strain and then shiver,
even the posture looks healthy but weaker.
I glance to the side thinking this plight was what my mother was battling.
Heart torn from my chest, I move when addressed and passion is rattling.
Orange roses away from my view compose wimpers from lack of attention,
the gift from a business man don't deserve nurture, nor an ounce of a mention.
Butterflies dance to their trance of love this litter is supposed to protrude.
I'm hetero in nature, so his act approached me as evil and crude.
(I want them to die, too.)
Got a hair dresser that's smooth, but there's more to this life...
this story's nothing but secrets that's kept from my lovely wife.

I'm back in my room with a cig forming smoke signals form hand,
how can a child-like self live to be the man that I am?

[Candy]

dank:

hehe i put on the "one head light" track on once you mentioned the wallflowers and right on que where you wrote dawn and i was reading it the lyrics in their song said it so i was hooked.. i think the topic itself for you two was dope.. it was a remarkable take on it what i consider the true brute dark reality of it.. i love your writers voice and relation to the smoke to the flower transitions.. vocab hot.. what was my fav part was your signatured yet original structure.. dope piece..

objective:

man this story was real real nice.. your structure and rhyme were tight but the story had such depth where for awhile you slammed the ish out of dank and this was a good battle to so thats no easy feet but by second part of the story that it start off strong and ended strong it had what felt like filler where as dank didnt.. the emotion and discription were fucken real cool in this piece.. i dont want you to get me wrong this was a dope piece:

vote = dank

wow what a battle gl guys

[Dominate]

Sorry this battle is getting slept on. I think you guys had the most difficult topic this week, - there’s so much going on in the picture that feels like it needs to be addressed but very few ways I can see to address them all cohesively.

Dank, you killed it again. I really didn’t love what you were writing ABOUT tbh - like, if this were an OM I’d probably just pass despite the quality of the writing… but as I said I think the picture basically forced you into it. I would have really struggled with this topic personally, but you pulled it off. The flower as a metaphor for the man (woman? … person) was a terrific idea. “The bouquet looks weathered and folds under pressure / with head hung, but stem strong enough to hold it together.” was a highlight. Mechanically, you’re unparalleled in this league (for now!) - your ability to weave natural sounding multisyllablic rhymes into your prose is really something. Even more than that, a lot of the things that rhymed were key words or phrases that drove the piece forwards, it wasn’t just that they didn’t get in the way. Really impressive. I like the different schemes and rhythms you played around with this week compared to last. Gave this a more poetic feel which suited the tone well.


Objective - idk man, I’ve read this through three times and I’m still not sure I ‘get it’. Parts of this were good on their own but in sum I’m just left kinda confused by it all. Sorry if I’m a dumb dumb. I hope some more experienced writers/readers will offer their thoughts on this after me and I can glean something from that. You have a good vocabulary in the sense of knowing a lot of words. Some good turns of phrase like ‘festering grief’. I’m less sold on others like ‘archaic defeat’. Thanks for the read.

V/ Dank

[Universe]

Lars:

Great beginning. Hooked me in right away. I'm kind of reading through this like... wtf, this is really good... I got to say man... I never thought a verse about cigarettes would be such a breath of fresh air (drum snare and cymbal), but aside from Dominate, this is the only other verse this week that is masterfully constructed from top to bottom. I love how faithful to your multi's you are - Continuing them into the next bar subtlety, where only the most astute eyes can find them. You've always done this, but it's appreciated every time by those who actually look.

I also like how you're almost describing this piece to us from your point of view as you write it. You're in God mode here and you're re-painting the picture and explaining the narrative before our very eyes. "Our wallflower" has a nice ring to it... and I feel like I'm constructing the verse beside you, or at least watching you work. It's actually very cool to experience. You nailed this entire topic; the highlights here are extreme highs, and, to be frank, some of the best lines I've ever seen you write. This is Lars grown up and zoned in... his masterclass... and it's great to see and be a part of.

The question is: Can you stay here? Can you LIVE here? I hope so...

Man I hate saying this... (and you know me well enough to know it's true)... But I wouldn't have beat you here on this topic. I just wouldn't have. It was THAT good. It was a technical marvel really (besides getting a little long-winded at the end there) and you reached a deeper level here than I'm used to seeing from you. Inspiring stuff.

The entire piece was a highlight for me.


Objective:

This was a cool piece, pretty unique for you because it felt kind of like a keystyle, multi's telling the story and you sort of following the path where it led you. When it worked it really worked, and when it didn't... it really didn't. Some things just didn't make all that much sense, but they sounded nice lol. The story sort of jumped around in focus, nothing I could really grasp onto for long, but it was told in such a way where I was at least interested until the end.

I'm a fan of your work, there is always something there that I can't quite put my finger on... maybe it's teetering greatness... but once you harness whatever it is that's inside you and really focus on what makes you YOU, you're going to be a formidable opponent (more than you already are) for anyone.

You just ran into a buzzsaw here.

Vote: Lars