DQd AOWL verse

[breathless]

I didn't realize there was a picture thread to choose from and found my own, rewrote a valid piece, but yea, feedback appreciated, it's the first actual thing I've wrote in a long time



Isolated inside a mind filled all the way beyond its border,
I'm encased in rubble from sturdily built walls, the floor stained, all but one corner.
What once was a sanctuary has became a death trap, anxious, buried,
breath raspy as I grasp at these past demons and face them squarely.

I can taste the rare stink, of an ego recently deflated.
Thought I'd braced the area with strong enough barriers,
but each broke, and took a piece of me away with it.
At least now I can see what stared me down with some clarity.

Released from beneath the hallowed ground I refused to allow my feet to foul,
I just needed to swallow my pride, follow the blinding light and silence this beast's growl.
Reeling from such deep solitude, if I would've just reached out to whoever I could touch,
I think, now, I might not have needed to scour through this dust.

'Cause if you must know, I was a coward in the rough,
a starving artist, being devoured by his brushstrokes.
No method to this madness, just obsession, and passion,
but that all came crashing to an end… every damned dream crushed whole in a fraction of a second.

Traveling back home from another packed full gallery,
pockets filled with false hope, I lost control of my handling.
Took both hands off the wheel and pressed my foot to the carpet,
closed my eyes to reality and decided to look into darkness.

[Artifice]

This was a cool read, and for the first writing in a while, it's pretty good. That being said, there's things about it I would change. Mostly the fourth quartet, the rhyme scheme really doesn't work for me... you've got plenty of the right words there, they just don't seem to be placed properly.

'Cause if you must know, I was a coward in the rough,
a starving artist, being devoured by his brushstrokes.
No method to this madness, just obsession, and passion,
but that all came crashing to an end… every damned dream crushed whole in a fraction of a second.

That's your quartet. What if you did this...

cause if you must know, i was a coward who had a rough go
a starving artist, slowly being devoured by all his brushstrokes
passion method to madness... craft in obsession
which comes crashing to an end when my dreams r crushed whole in fractions of a second

I think that carries the same content, but cleans up the rhymes. Let me know if you disagree. Other than that quartet, the first two lines of the last quartet use a slant rhyme that doesn't really work. gallery/handling don't really rhyme.

There were also parts of this I really liked.

What once was a sanctuary has became a death trap, anxious, buried,
breath raspy as I grasp at these past demons and face them squarely.

That there was dope. Nice imagery, nice rhyme scheme, slant rhyme that works really well... this right here is the 'never forget how to ride a bike' poking through... keep writing and your whole verse will grow out of this here...

I liked what I read, and I'm going to look for more of your work.

[Mr. J]

For a first go in a long time I enjoy the build up of the long lines
of course some of the wording is off & may come at the wrong time
but its poetic & raw like...the flow presents itself as a calm tide...
then it carries on like a different style together, one I havent seen in a long time
regardless I thought you broke down the vibe of the character you chose
you used some nice wording that also helped in the carrying of your prose
pretty smooth work for this return of yours
as the weeks progress I think you might turn your course
keep up the good work fellow competitor

[Witty]

I didn't like this, it stopped and started too much, the flow was wack, your story was all that saved you and even it wasn't anything great. Tell me you didn't say 'beast's growl' to make it rhyme...your grasp on the English language is questionable.