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#1 |
Do what is right.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 769
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I needed some place to put these raps.
Sadness is weighing down my brain and it's so true but I've been numb to the pain ever since I swallowed the cold truth placebo effects on this fake fountain of youth. holden on to my sanity but really im just old news. I'm kind of arrogant with a passive aggressive attitude choking up every time I try to express this so it's really best you mind me if im looking blue. I slump around with no show of confidence feeling like im out of air because I sense no love in it. ( no love in it... ) loneliness let it drown even the cousins I used to be close with man. are just strangers when we walk past I guess we leave it in the pass. What I'm fighting for? Only shadow boxing the dark truth of course marijuana fumes exhumed off my pores washing out my chores with the thought of some shores and this surely isn't the right way to go about it. taking the weight off my shoulders by adding more ounces. ... I really been alone for the longest. and mother says I loan her for what happened in august. summer baby but im clouded by these thoughts and emotions. ............and this is me being honest maybe. I should of been left under a running faucet. and maybe that would have helped clean off my mothers conscious. I got so many flaws and I make sure that im reminded. i'm searching around for a place where I can seek some silence. But it's like god hopes that I never find it. gosh darnit. So i'm writing and hide inside my fucking lonely island I heard Life's is like movie and I want the castaway. cuz I'll be misunderstood until the casket calls my name but that's okay.
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![]() Last edited by KennyCerealBowl; 07-31-2015 at 11:53 PM. |
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#2 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,956
Battle Record: 6 - 14
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to me, this part stood out as being stellar:
and this surely isn't the right way to go about it. taking the weight off my shoulders by adding more ounces. ... I really been alone for the longest. and mother says I loan her for what happened in august. summer baby but im clouded by these thoughts and emotions. ............and this is me being honest maybe. I should of been left under a running faucet. and maybe that would have helped clean off my mothers conscious. I think much of what you wrote here is good but it is interrupted by some trite lines that you should either erase or re-work: so it's really best you mind me if im looking blue. looking blue is kind of cliche. and i also thought this line interrupted the flow. washing out my chores with the thought of some shores get this line out of here. These kind of lines, particularly the second one I cited, take away from the other parts of the piece which are deeper and thought-provoking. Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 08-06-2015 at 04:57 AM. |
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#3 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
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deep shit....I'll come back & edit more feed in..just wanted to say sup brah nice to see you back around these parts
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.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
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#4 |
Do what is right.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 769
Rep Power: 954121 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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k thanks
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