Week 1: Pinot Grij vs. Zen- PINOT GRIJ WINS BY NS ( OPEN FOR FEED)

Split Eight · 07-15-2015, 03:02 AM

AOWL Season V, Week 1

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Sunday, July 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT
Monday, July 20th 2:59a.m. EST
Monday, July 20th 7:59a.m UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, July 22nd, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:

Good luck @Pinot Grij and @Zen

Pinot Grij · 07-15-2015, 08:42 AM

Check

Zen · 07-15-2015, 03:41 PM

Trebek

Pinot Grij · 07-19-2015, 10:48 PM

@Dr Dog lemme hit you up for that ext

Pinot Grij · 07-20-2015, 06:39 PM

Ed would often hesitate about his wedding date. Thought he ought to give his head a shake or have a good friend set him straight. Dottie was as swell a dame as a fella could expect to date. He’d think, “Ed, you’re second rate! She’s the best you’ll do, for heaven’s sake! You should celebrate!” But Ed, he was a renegade, you can’t domesticate his restless state. At any time, he could hop on his motorbike with the Texas plates, and cruise the Western states. He could work, clearing breakfast plates. You can do that anyplace. But those feelings are ones better kept at bay. Like most men, he felt a woman could cover up his lesser traits. Thought she’d tame his wild horses and slow his life to a steady pace. Put out his fiery passion that was set ablaze by his yesterdays. “All that stuff ends the day you get engaged,” Ed would say. But the tension weighed, could not be swept away. It would resonate. He bowed his head to pray that God would remove these thoughts by His blessed grace. Ed couldn’t accept this fate. The little devil in his head would say, Marriage means your freedom’s been pledged away, Ed. Sure, she’s pretty but she’s got expensive tastes, Ed. Do you like your paycheck? She’ll whip through it at a pace that’s breakneck. Before you get a taste, Ed. Oh, and “I love you”… if you forget to say it, it wrecks her day, Ed. In fights, she’s blameless. No matter what you say, Ed. Face it. Is that worth giving up all the dames we could get to date, Ed? Is she that great, Ed? Do you want eight kids? What if they need braces? What if one’s gay, Ed? Could you take it? Whaddaya say, Ed? I’ll tell you what.. let’s go get some cocaine, Ed. You've had a long day, Ed. Let's hop on that motorbike and drive far, far away, Ed. Is that outrageous? It'll be painless. Whaddaya say, Ed?

All she saw was his Texas plates.
Where he’ll end up? That’s for Ed to say.

UnbornBuddha · 07-22-2015, 12:39 AM

This verse was very well written, except for one tidbit that I'll elucidate shortly. What I liked about it that it captured the ambiance of what I felt you were aiming for. A representative model that gave voice to someone living in the 50's, 60's. The language conveyed this intention well, example: "swell a dame", this lexicon derived from a junction in time where its representative characters thought in a certain way, and thus also spoke in a certain way. It was also quite comical, but one negative factor about it, at least to me, was the ending. I thought ending it the way you did was a bit cheap and too conventional. Almost predictable. Ending it without ending it, while a powerful tool sometimes kind of backfired here, but as I said I enjoyed this verse.

07-15-2015, 08:42 AM	#2
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Check __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.

07-19-2015, 10:48 PM	#4
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	@Dr Dog lemme hit you up for that ext __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.

07-20-2015, 06:39 PM	#5
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Ed would often hesitate about his wedding date. Thought he ought to give his head a shake or have a good friend set him straight. Dottie was as swell a dame as a fella could expect to date. He’d think, “Ed, you’re second rate! She’s the best you’ll do, for heaven’s sake! You should celebrate!” But Ed, he was a renegade, you can’t domesticate his restless state. At any time, he could hop on his motorbike with the Texas plates, and cruise the Western states. He could work, clearing breakfast plates. You can do that anyplace. But those feelings are ones better kept at bay. Like most men, he felt a woman could cover up his lesser traits. Thought she’d tame his wild horses and slow his life to a steady pace. Put out his fiery passion that was set ablaze by his yesterdays. “All that stuff ends the day you get engaged,” Ed would say. But the tension weighed, could not be swept away. It would resonate. He bowed his head to pray that God would remove these thoughts by His blessed grace. Ed couldn’t accept this fate. The little devil in his head would say, Marriage means your freedom’s been pledged away, Ed. Sure, she’s pretty but she’s got expensive tastes, Ed. Do you like your paycheck? She’ll whip through it at a pace that’s breakneck. Before you get a taste, Ed. Oh, and “I love you”… if you forget to say it, it wrecks her day, Ed. In fights, she’s blameless. No matter what you say, Ed. Face it. Is that worth giving up all the dames we could get to date, Ed? Is she that great, Ed? Do you want eight kids? What if they need braces? What if one’s gay, Ed? Could you take it? Whaddaya say, Ed? I’ll tell you what.. let’s go get some cocaine, Ed. You've had a long day, Ed. Let's hop on that motorbike and drive far, far away, Ed. Is that outrageous? It'll be painless. Whaddaya say, Ed? All she saw was his Texas plates. Where he’ll end up? That’s for Ed to say. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.

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07-15-2015, 03:41 PM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Trebek

07-22-2015, 12:39 AM	#6
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	This verse was very well written, except for one tidbit that I'll elucidate shortly. What I liked about it that it captured the ambiance of what I felt you were aiming for. A representative model that gave voice to someone living in the 50's, 60's. The language conveyed this intention well, example: "swell a dame", this lexicon derived from a junction in time where its representative characters thought in a certain way, and thus also spoke in a certain way. It was also quite comical, but one negative factor about it, at least to me, was the ending. I thought ending it the way you did was a bit cheap and too conventional. Almost predictable. Ending it without ending it, while a powerful tool sometimes kind of backfired here, but as I said I enjoyed this verse.