Day 81

Adverse · 05-15-2016, 03:48 PM

Day 81....
I'm laying, baking in a decaying sun
The mere thought of hope's the only thing that inflates my lungs
Even If I could, I wouldn't know a place to run
My hunter lays in wait, aching for his prey to succumb
Patient, awakened by the taste of blood...
The race is done, i'm afraid you've won...
I'm unconvinced that a safe haven exists...
Face first in a sea of sand, feel the grains on my lips
Death's puckered up peckin', giving me her faintest of kiss
This is it, i'm still pained to admit...
I've trained for this instance, became insignificant
Lived a lifestyle more toxic than the fangs that bit him
What a vain existence full of unpaid persistence
Thought they'd love me if I was rappin' what a jaded vision
Enemies in the grassy knowl, blade pullers from behind
Predators with ulterior motives waitin' for an opening in time
Pullin' the whole world took a toll on my shoulders and my spine
Funny, after all that, I was killed by my own god damn mind

Quarter O · 05-16-2016, 07:28 PM

Would be a good start to a song.. nice multi's that hit nicely as well as the metaphor.. very interesting. Good shit. Wish I could get a lil show of love on my post lol..all good tho..pz

Exis · 05-16-2016, 09:07 PM

Dope.

Mr. J · 05-22-2016, 02:26 AM

this was nice.. did you drop this in the league?
the transitions were smooth & really clean.
prey to succumb felt a tad wordy to work well
but you pull it off with how your wording helped
if that makes sense...either way this was nice
jaded vision could have worked that was sumn I liked..
nice work either way man...keep it up

05-15-2016, 03:48 PM	#1
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	Day 81 Day 81.... I'm laying, baking in a decaying sun The mere thought of hope's the only thing that inflates my lungs Even If I could, I wouldn't know a place to run My hunter lays in wait, aching for his prey to succumb Patient, awakened by the taste of blood... The race is done, i'm afraid you've won... I'm unconvinced that a safe haven exists... Face first in a sea of sand, feel the grains on my lips Death's puckered up peckin', giving me her faintest of kiss This is it, i'm still pained to admit... I've trained for this instance, became insignificant Lived a lifestyle more toxic than the fangs that bit him What a vain existence full of unpaid persistence Thought they'd love me if I was rappin' what a jaded vision Enemies in the grassy knowl, blade pullers from behind Predators with ulterior motives waitin' for an opening in time Pullin' the whole world took a toll on my shoulders and my spine Funny, after all that, I was killed by my own god damn mind

05-22-2016, 02:26 AM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	this was nice.. did you drop this in the league? the transitions were smooth & really clean. prey to succumb felt a tad wordy to work well but you pull it off with how your wording helped if that makes sense...either way this was nice jaded vision could have worked that was sumn I liked.. nice work either way man...keep it up __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

05-16-2016, 07:28 PM	#2
Quarter O Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2015 Posts: 109 Rep Power: 0	Would be a good start to a song.. nice multi's that hit nicely as well as the metaphor.. very interesting. Good shit. Wish I could get a lil show of love on my post lol..all good tho..pz

05-16-2016, 09:07 PM	#3
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Dope.