Bearings

[Split]

"Would you believe there's only four people in the world, and when you're not looking, they change masks?"- Eyedea


N:
Elder Technicolor Irish lilt, echoes vibrant still in these open hallways.
Alzheimer drills its sober concave. Final act of humility with a close of curtains,
Reciting "Yes" in brittle curses. A bridal purpose cheapened in lonely fall-state,
Steeped in soapy dog days. Home to me is only where the coat hangs,
Churning grind of docile dimness, simply awful "Let's play house" identity,
Sad to see city strangers spilling round, dressing up the sounds in your vicinity.

S:
Hobbes and Calvin carving halls with washable markers,
Snarling in darkness, the star that stalled in the guardian's garments.
Such raw will imparted in a bawling carcass. It's all but hard, to crash to Earth,
And play the part of amateurs. The heart regards itself as non-cliche,
Despite your hardy, foaming angst, you'll never starve your growing pains.
You know your name, are told your age, it all depends how long you stay.

W:
In loving jest, confess I love you.. infinity+ an integer.
Figures that, you were always prettiest as a miniature.
My city skyline silhouette. Eyes cinnamon-centered obsidian.
The way diamonds are the forever moment floating on your fingertips,
Holding onto innocence, a ring, a jewel, a wedding gift,
The closing pause, slowly dozing off in closing all your sentences.

E:
The varnish wore off the wood in a peculiar fashion.
Accrued a grasp of human action, through the satin.
Sheets and sheets of pulpy grain. They claim its lavish.
Oakheart, dry and worn to core. An open armoire door.

I remember how i used to take things out, just to see how I looked.

"HERE LIES JOHN SMITH. SON. FATHER. HUSBAND. DEARLY DEPARTED."

[Certain]

Hey, I recognize that quote.

This piece was interesting in both approach and execution, mostly in good ways. Let me start by making sure I understand it correctly: The story was about a dead man reflecting on four presences in his life. The first three were a neighbor, his son and his wife. The fourth was the embalmer? I had a hard time figuring out the attachment on that. If I'm on the right track, perhaps a U for "undertaker" would have been the better approach, since the coffin is described, which isn't part of an embalmer's job.

My general feeling was this was a viewing, and as each person passed the corpse, the man discussed his relationship. That approach leads to some fracturing in content, though. What we really had here were four brief character sketches. You executed each individually well, with the arguable exception of the vagueness of the final one.

What I think could have brought this up another level is a better understanding of the dead man. I don't think you would have had to flip the entire concept but rather used each character more for introspection than for John Smith's views on the person he's seeing. What did each person specifically mean to his own identity? That would have unified the piece more.

Still, it's a really cool concept and something I haven't seen before. And you did it well. My criticisms are an attempt at being constructive, not dismissing your work.

[PancakeBrah]

I could have lived without the ambiguity. North, south, east west? If so, I don't know the relation and I'm not motivated to try. Neighbor, son, wife, embalmer, like Serpent thought? If so, why not just type out the entire word. The purposeful ambiguity hurts an otherwise beautifully written piece. At first I felt ignorant for not knowing the significance of the letters but after reflection it's not my job to make the writer's point. It's to interpret what's given to me, and when it's purposefully ambiguous I just let it ride and read the words. If you wanted me to miss the point, mission accomplished. It doesn't help that your writing is almost always an ethereal, floating jumble of well written ideas that hover just out of reach of your concrete point. I'll read this in the interpretation Serpent brought up as the more I think about it and reread the piece the more it makes sense. But why the difficulty? Do you feel typing out the words would be too blunt?

As for the actual meat of the piece, it's excellent. "Alzheimer drills it's sober concave" is great metaphysical imagery and perfectly put. The dog days/coat hangs idea was great. Took a common turn of phrase and couched it to fit the tone of the neighbor. 'Dress up the sounds in your vicinity' is also nice and maybe the point we're to take home from the neighbor? Their essential inconsequence, background noise that's acknowledged but in a manner that's without care? Sure. I'll go with that.

"Such raw will imparted in a bawling carcass" is fun. I love these types of lines, a biting backhand compliment. Why the comma between 'hard' and 'to'? That comma confounds me to the concave of alzheimers in my head. If it's just a parenthetical phrase then the sentence doesn't make sense when continued to the next line, and if it's not a parenthetical phrase it still doesn't make sense. A pause break? I would hope not. But me bitching about that is high hypocrisy because I do that shit all the time....

"Despite your hardy, foaming angst, you'll never starve your growing pains.
You know your name, are told your age, it all depends how long you stay."

...that's the best couplet from the first two verses. The first line in particular is mint.

"In loving jest, confess I love you.." is strong. Going right to confess after the comma is what makes it work. Actionable and breathless, a good example of the importance of wording. "The way diamonds are the forever moment floating on your fingertips," is more of the same.

The entire 'E' section is concise and without need of an adjustment or critique. Simply put, a well contained, smooth flowing, descriptive piece of language. Probably my favorite of the bunch.

Infinity+an integer was swell as well, forgot to mention. Some might see it as corny but I thought it was neat-o.

The end was perfunctory but well done.

Overall a strong piece that I thoroughly enjoyed reading, but one that left me a little empty. Such strong wording and voice to be lost for ambiguity seems like a shame. Maybe I'm just not smartz enough 2 get u.

Look forward to reading more.

[Split]

Originally Posted by PancakeBrah

North, south, east west

Yeah, that's what I was going for. I was trying to associate each verse with a compass direction instead of the location, probably could've been done better/ more carefully. Certain Serpent, your interpretation of each verse's signifcance is actually very close to the perspectives I was trying to show.

never meant to come across as ambiguous or create false mystique, rather just tried to interpret the quote and its nuances, without being fake. and i was limited to 24 lines unfortunately. Thanks all

[PancakeBrah]

I do apologize. I guess when I read the piece I forgot it's title. Bearings. N/S/E/W. Obvious directions are obvious.

My critique of the writing still stands. Still slightly ambiguous as to the point of the directions, but not the extent I bitched about.

[YDK]

I def gotta say man you impress me more with each piece I read from you. I really like the subtle flow with this and the directional concept. I took it as the different paths and directions a man takes in life play out in the end, if he hadn't done or gone a certain way he might no of been a husband or father or even dead. A beautiful peace honestly and I really didn't see any negatives. Very nice bruh keep dropping

[Coup]

To quote Pancakebrah

It doesn't help that your writing is almost always an ethereal, floating jumble of well written ideas that hover just out of reach of your concrete point.

I cannot say myself that all your writing is like this, but this verse is....lot's of stand alone ideas that were brilliant to genius...such as this line (don't know why but I loved it)

My city skyline silhouette. Eyes cinnamon-centered obsidian.

Crazy...two ideas that were painted in a way that when I read them they instantly put a image in my head.

I could not be honest and say to you that I understood even remotly what this was about...too many separate ideas and concepts competing in each line and at the same time trying to build unity in a larger sense...

I'll try to show you what I mean...let's take the opening stanza

Elder Technicolor Irish lilt, echoes vibrant still in these open hallways.
Alzheimer drills its sober concave. Final act of humility with a close of curtains,
Reciting "Yes" in brittle curses. A bridal purpose cheapened in lonely fall-state,
Steeped in soapy dog days. Home to me is only where the coat hangs,
Churning grind of docile dimness, simply awful "Let's play house" identity,
Sad to see city strangers spilling round, dressing up the sounds in your vicinity.

We got the elder Technicolor Irish lilt echoing
the Alzheimer drills in a concave closing curtains
a bridal purpose that got cheapened
now in dog days where some coat hangs
with some dialog
and some stangers dressing some sounds in the vicinity

Now what is going on here ? This is very cryptic and esoteric. Not very clear and you loose the reader, though you are an expert in this cos you are writing it.

So many things going on at once that it's like a whirl wind...keep some unity of ideas and choose words that work, choose lines that nurture your game plan...sometimes you may think some phrases are too basic and not complex enough (I go through this) and up it up with more abstract expressions...well be carefull, because you can loose the original intention for trying to come complex in flow....

I bear witness that flow is not as important in terms of leaving an impact as clarity and good old fashioned written devices. the trick is to make sense and flow


I hope you don't take offense, because your schemes and flow can be unreal and some creative lines blow up in my mind. Good stuff. Most of what I'm saying here is directed at stanza one.

Work on clarity if you do intend to write for your audience. If it's for you, then continue on. I know my writing is not the best, so I ain't trying to flex on nobody. I speak this because I'm coming out of nonsensical writing and finally admitted to myself I need to clear up my writing.

peace my friend.

[Vulgar]

This feedback will be brief, unlike my boxerz. You're making strides with out-of-the-box imagery and abstract tracts, touching on a league of visually stimulating areas in expression, wordplay, example. I found myself enjoying it without the need to decipher a plot, because I assumed it'd be vague in that sense, yet clear in the sense that there was some intention in the pinstriped fog. Would you believe it if I told you that all masks are counterfeits of real personalities?

In loving jest, confess I love you.. infinity+ an integer.
Figures that, you were always prettiest as a miniature.
My city skyline silhouette. Eyes cinnamon-centered obsidian.
The way diamonds are the forever moment floating on your fingertips,
Holding onto innocence, a ring, a jewel, a wedding gift,
The closing pause, slowly dozing off in closing all your sentences.
^I was really impressed w/ these, esp. what's bolded.

Keep huey jew