Kosmsois 1

KOSMOSIS · 09-25-2014, 12:17 PM

Infinity’s portal oracle literal lord of the metaphorical.

90 percent of human DNA functions are in the realm of bioacoustics and bioelectric signaling.
This is so 2477 though, you thinking that Tesla’s earth resonance should be a protected ministry
We made the crop circles to trace out the Shaman’s conductive dance of figuring
Out how to combat the constant Cortisol drip which keeps your brains strained and bickering
Foolish mortals, blinded by self-willed illusory pursuits
Which Rat race off the lemming cliff with Wil e. Coyote rocket boots
While the elite’s pockets are filled with pied piper flutes
You claim to be enlightened, yet act as the brutes?
This is biological Kymatica, the in-between then and now in the then
Amazing how the therapy is found in a pen aroused by it’s Zen….
Understand the bankers definition of certificate, then asks who owns your birth?
Put down the drugs and acting thugs to understand exactly how much your worth
But under the Sphinx won’t rise, and the power of the Larynx we won’t ever realize,
Because we neglect our tithes and refuse to use the clues of this fruitless enterprise….
Perhaps this will work better than, lets try this:
Oh your so Caulfield, we yield to the sword and word that you wield!
It is absurd how disturbed we become when in the silence of the seventh sealed
Refuse to confront our demons, and then call our mirrors windows
While still bound by their subconscious subliminal innuendos
Then lie to ourselves, thumbs up, like the commercials for some mentos
This is everything a man knows.
While the ancient and eternal and futuristic all span the grand roles
To resuscitate your gland’s woes with planned prose. It is war. This rambo’s.

AndyHiro · 09-28-2014, 08:28 AM

My favorite part is probably the "pen aroused" part because seeing those words
together made me giggle. Everything else made me mad because I either couldn't understand it or I didn't like how it was worded.

Particularly the first four lines seem totally nonsensical to me and I can't imagine anyone saying that shit and ever sounding cool. I would scrap that shit right away and erase it completely from my mind if I were you.

I get that this is on that anti-status quo type but a lot of your metaphors and imagery is just plain distracting, detrimental to your message even. I understand that you want to fight the power but I can't feel the reasons as to why. Where is the emotion, the indignation you should feel? Or even an exceptionally clever line that make em nod sagely and go "true true".

Also some of the lines are too stretched for my liking and it is hard for me to get a consistent cadence and flow to this. I think a quick way to improve in your case is to actually dial everything down a few notch. Use less syllables in your lines. Talk less, and focus on saying more. Why use three words to explain something if you can use one, no what I mean.

Anyway that's my opinion. Take it however. Whatever. Keep writing bro.

09-25-2014, 12:17 PM	#1
KOSMOSIS Banned Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 27 Rep Power: 0	Kosmsois 1 Infinity’s portal oracle literal lord of the metaphorical. 90 percent of human DNA functions are in the realm of bioacoustics and bioelectric signaling. This is so 2477 though, you thinking that Tesla’s earth resonance should be a protected ministry We made the crop circles to trace out the Shaman’s conductive dance of figuring Out how to combat the constant Cortisol drip which keeps your brains strained and bickering Foolish mortals, blinded by self-willed illusory pursuits Which Rat race off the lemming cliff with Wil e. Coyote rocket boots While the elite’s pockets are filled with pied piper flutes You claim to be enlightened, yet act as the brutes? This is biological Kymatica, the in-between then and now in the then Amazing how the therapy is found in a pen aroused by it’s Zen…. Understand the bankers definition of certificate, then asks who owns your birth? Put down the drugs and acting thugs to understand exactly how much your worth But under the Sphinx won’t rise, and the power of the Larynx we won’t ever realize, Because we neglect our tithes and refuse to use the clues of this fruitless enterprise…. Perhaps this will work better than, lets try this: Oh your so Caulfield, we yield to the sword and word that you wield! It is absurd how disturbed we become when in the silence of the seventh sealed Refuse to confront our demons, and then call our mirrors windows While still bound by their subconscious subliminal innuendos Then lie to ourselves, thumbs up, like the commercials for some mentos This is everything a man knows. While the ancient and eternal and futuristic all span the grand roles To resuscitate your gland’s woes with planned prose. It is war. This rambo’s.

09-28-2014, 08:28 AM	#2
AndyHiro Yeah Im kinda like that Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 107 Rep Power: 0	My favorite part is probably the "pen aroused" part because seeing those words together made me giggle. Everything else made me mad because I either couldn't understand it or I didn't like how it was worded. Particularly the first four lines seem totally nonsensical to me and I can't imagine anyone saying that shit and ever sounding cool. I would scrap that shit right away and erase it completely from my mind if I were you. I get that this is on that anti-status quo type but a lot of your metaphors and imagery is just plain distracting, detrimental to your message even. I understand that you want to fight the power but I can't feel the reasons as to why. Where is the emotion, the indignation you should feel? Or even an exceptionally clever line that make em nod sagely and go "true true". Also some of the lines are too stretched for my liking and it is hard for me to get a consistent cadence and flow to this. I think a quick way to improve in your case is to actually dial everything down a few notch. Use less syllables in your lines. Talk less, and focus on saying more. Why use three words to explain something if you can use one, no what I mean. Anyway that's my opinion. Take it however. Whatever. Keep writing bro.