A Touch of Gray

[oats]

a breeze whispers secret nothings, told in such a way
that the palm trees dip in rhythm to its simple, subtle sway
ivory streaks the sapphire curtains that present the sun's display
while nearby tides ebb and beckon me to come and play
all these elements assemble gently in a snug array
of colors poured into each other on this ugly day
'cause my phone rumbled with your number and I didn't know what to say
so I threw your name to the horizon...just to add a touch of gray

The Sunrise sometimes confuses the spectrum
reds, yellows and greens drip with blues to connect them
blurring the scenery in unusual sections
like the moment I met you - colored in a fluid impression
oh such foolish affection! vision crusted in moldy paint
from those churlish curls swirling in a disgusting golden mane
emerald eyes, dirty vanilla skin - it's enough to go insane!
while each curve lured me to hang my trust in your broken frame

The Sunset - did it come yet? it's too early to tell
cuz the cancer of this canvas still gets service in hell
gamma bursts blanket the blue without a thought of which way
as it's tainting this painting in an apocalypse gray
you spilled into my picture and hung me out of place
water streaked down my acrylic cheeks when you left without a trace
my life was wonderful, colorful! until the dusk when I found you
and though you smothered the colors...
...every day is ugly without you

[dull boy]

My girlfriend will love that I wrote this for her.

[dull boy]

Superbly written, btw. B-e-a-utiful.

It's so gorgeous the way the sun plunges forward into dusk,
and the moon presses mute on the orchestra of tongues
as if it's orbiting for us and the aura we construct.
I spend my nights wishing light from morning never comes.

You ever read Duma Key, by Stephen King?

[oats]

@dull boy I have not. Recommended? also, is that your quatrain there?

[Geno]

Well crafted oats. Poetic in word choice imo
Would have prefered a more hiphop slang feel to it. But that's just me. Thought it was deep and held a lot of relateable substance to it. Good drop. Always a pleasure

[dull boy]

Hip Hop slang with pieces like this comes off as corny, imo. If I could offer any criticism it would be to say that sometimes the rhythm seems slightly off, or like you could trim/add a word, or change some wording to make things seem less simplistic sounding.

And yes, it 'tis. And yeah, you should read it, if you're into reading and what not. This reminded me of it.

[PiE]

flow and imagery put together nicely with a pets touch to display it. the choice of words :/ the imagery was nice and it kept me into the next sequence into the end. one part sounded weird with the broken game thrust, sounds like necrophilia..... that would be a touch of grey though. you went emo in the last section and that put more personality in it which was nice too. good change of pace at the end...

[Darth Yoda]

amo cuando oats esta enamorado. porque hace estas escrituras taaaaan lindos..

[oats]

Originally Posted by Darth Yoda

amo cuando oats esta enamorado. porque hace estas escrituras taaaaan lindos..

Gracias. Though I wouldn't say I was in love when I wrote this, more of a meditation on how it feels to be in a corrosive relationship. Gracias contodo mi corazon.

[PancakeBrah]

I read this last night and thought it was great. Will do a breakdown when I'm off work

[Split]

Originally Posted by Darth Yoda

amo cuando oats esta enamorado. porque hace estas escrituras taaaaan lindos..

Pero quien fue saudade?

[PancakeBrah]

Stop speaking Spanish faggots, this is murca. And I disagree that this was a positive love piece in any way. It was heartfelt but in the worst way, filled with nostalgia and conflict. The key dichotomy of the piece is found in the last couplet of the first verse and the last couplet of the entire piece. The end of the first verse conveys being resigned to defeat, like the edge of the cliff, that final moment of a nominally finished relationship wherein the still present emotion gives way to reality and defeat, forlorn as it is. And the end of the piece is a reflection on the relationship as a whole, how ugly it was but its ugly is better than the malaise of being without it. So the central conflict is he's giving himself closure while reminiscing/giving into false nostalgia. At least that's how I read it. Could be wrong. The verse was beautifully written and technically sound. The only rhyme I felt was forced was broken frame. Broken seems to generic and brash for such a nostalgia anti-tribute. Picking nits of course. The nature motif in the hands of an amateur could have been corny or cliche but you handled it with much aplomb.

Thoroughly enjoyed.