I rhyme write tight

[dull boy]

Poor. Mattress on the floor. Cabinets adorned with absences of more. Patio is warped. In trouble with the courts. Addicted to porn. Bills I can't afford. Furniture is torn. Feel like I'm at war. Interactions I keep short. Conversations mostly forced. Friendships; I don't forge. Pretending I'm adored just get me through the storms battering my shores. Saddened at the core. Know I'm mad, but can't ignore what's happened, that's remorse. What's happened? I've divorced happiness as normal. Mom is a ghost. No one close to the mom that I'd known, but know that happens, and know it's crappy I won't ever have her a home to have as her own. She lives unhappily, goes... up to her room as soon as she's back from her drone... job, people half of her own age have. She's alone. Watches TV and laughs at the shows. Just a way she can zone out cold and not have to be old. Contemplates death. Imagine your mom who hates breath. Your dad in graves, dead. No family left. It's just you. It's not game, there's no rules. No one to say what it can't or can't do. Life just gets cruel. We deny reality to block it from view. You feel lost in the groove. Just walking it through. Wanna climb in coffins and snooze. Pretend it doesn't matter, get all confident, cute. Pretend it's all just nonsense, it's cool. It's not. And at night when you watch the time on the clock and the lights are all off you see your life and you stop lying to block what's inside and what's not, what's hiding in God. You start to cry and you sob. Next morning you act just fine at your job. You go through the strides and you walk but you're not alive, you're just lost. Your latch onto people to give you a reason to live. That responsibility is a big and they can't possibly lift. You love them, call them your kids. Then one day they're just gone, and you wish you could do all of it again.

[PancakeBrah]

"It's just you. It's not game, there's no rules. No one to say what it can't or can't do. Life just gets cruel. We deny reality to block it from view. You feel lost in the groove. Just walking it through. Wanna climb in coffins and snooze. Pretend it doesn't matter, get all confident, cute. Pretend it's all just nonsense, it's cool. It's not. And at night when you watch the time on the clock and the lights are all off you see your life and you stop lying to block what's inside and what's not"

+ last line

nom'd

Didn't like 'forge'. Other than that one of the best pieces I've read lately.

[oats]

refreshing.

[Fig]

The simplicity in the wording was refreshing. The constant periods after each line were annoying initially, but after reading the whole piece, I can see it added immensely to the overall tone. Damn at that ending though.

[Frank]

Dull boy, ever lasting grief permeates through the pores of your poems, you pour out your sorrow into the earlobes and eyeballs of passing readers who become stricken with your sense of sadness, and click out of your threads, in a depression that lingers with them, until they get distracted with their lives again.

You are a lyrical downer. Rtf

[Ghost1]

Man. You should call ver8tas.

This shit was deeply depressing

The bit about ur mom work in a shit job w people half her age was rough cuz it was realistic.


Write a happy one next time.

[Witty]

I liked this a lot, it made me think about stuff in my own life...very dope, don't understand why ppl say it's depressing...it's just someone elses experiences, no need to get all female about it bros...I enjoyed, I would give more feed but i am currently pooping.

Best piece for a while like dancake said.

[Geno]

i love your stiggity
cool piece. dope imagery in the beginning. visuals are excellent for me

[Zen]

Originally Posted by Witty

I liked this a lot, it made me think about stuff in my own life...

^^This.

This wasn't depressing though. It was just honest, and of course the writing was very impressive.

[Ghost1]

Lol@this wasnt depressing

Wtf

This is how u weirdos wanna live your life?

Thats like saying

Johns just making a list

Cancer
Aids
Death
Dead stuff
crying
Sad things

That stuffs not sad....johns just makimg a list!


Anyways. .... sorry to clutter the thread :/

[Zen]

Duh.

[Witty]

Originally Posted by Bags

Lol@this wasnt depressing

Wtf

This is how u weirdos wanna live your life?

Thats like saying

Johns just making a list

Cancer
Aids
Death
Dead stuff
crying
Sad things

That stuffs not sad....johns just makimg a list!


Anyways. .... sorry to clutter the thread :/

Originally Posted by Witty

no need to get all female about it bros

[Ghost1]

FUCKU F9X FUCKUUUUUFUFUCJFIFKCK

[david stern razor burns]

Outstanding really. Obviously, yes, the content is sad but the way that you put this together was impressive. I'm sure this can hit home with almost anyone at some point. The flow was up to your regular immaculate standards. But the wording is what made this stand out to me. Not the vocab, but just how it all came together, and how you constructed the writing. It just seemed so down do earth and real, this was not contrived at all, you made it extremely relate-able. I feel like you manged to put into words what alot of us have all thought at some point or another. Very well done sir.

[dead man]

And at night when you watch the time on the clock and the lights are all off you see your life and you stop lying to block what's inside and what's not, what's hiding in God.

i dunno man. im torn between praising you for your acute sensibilities and criticizing your bleak outlooks on everything. feeling like cakebrah right about now. anyway, one would be terribly hypocritical and the other boring and useless for you.

i dont even know if youre still in a place that requires feedback or criticism or critique or whatever synonyms we have for om responses. but as far as a comment is concerned i think your ability to strip away the decor and leave behind a bare and bleeding personal truth that happens to rhyme is what sets you apart and assures that you will never run out of 'material'. which is a term i use loosely.

you sound so powerless and disheartened its a bit sad to hear if im being honest. you are an exercise in empathic resistance.


thanks as always


1

[Split]

Mom is a ghost. No one close to the mom that I'd known, but know that happens, and know it's crappy I won't ever have her a home to have as her own. She lives unhappily, goes... up to her room as soon as she's back from her drone... job, people half of her own age have. She's alone. Watches TV and laughs at the shows. Just a way she can zone out cold and not have to be old. Contemplates death. Imagine your mom who hates breath. Your dad in graves, dead. No family left. It's just you. It's not game, there's no rules. No one to say what it can't or can't do. Life just gets cruel.

-This was very strong. Something about the wording and diction conveyed honesty and stress. "Your dad in graves, dead." That is such an atypical sentence, for literature and poetry.. it sounds like something that an author would write, in order to demonstrate a speaker's dialect. I think that is something that is very, very ignored on these forums- the way that we present our writing is a reflection of the way that we perceive ourselves... and this is something completely congruent to rap. Imo, no other forms of written or spoken expression capture the identity of the author in such a personal manner, except maybe spoken word.


Pretend it doesn't matter, get all confident, cute. Pretend it's all just nonsense, it's cool. It's not. And at night when you watch the time on the clock and the lights are all off you see your life and you stop lying to block what's inside and what's not, what's hiding in God.

-"God" is an idea that always baits me. I'm not religious, and I dont think many people here are. Invoking the idea of god brings about motifs of solemnity, truth, and self-discovery/ self-awareness, whether or not those ideas are pursued. In the context of this verse, I think it is a metaphor for sorting things out when you are completely alone with yourself. Kinda divine.


Then one day they're just gone, and you wish you could do all of it again.

>Very powerful.. I don't know if you were going for it, but I got the sense that the "remorse" you referred earlier to is shaded by both you and your parents losing the happiness that childhood gives you... and also refers to losing your parents, literally....


Enjoyed. Keep keyin.

[Bodey]

I been struggling with my own demons lately and it's nice to get out of my head for once and into someone else's. I actually related to the first half for how I've felt before with little money and no furniture but a mattress, and at the time I only had a job to look forward to, nothing else. Very lonely time, especially at night. Felt sad at the mention of your mother, since I have friends who struggle with the same kinds of observations. Breaks their heart that they see no happiness in their mothers future and they're not in a position themselves to help her.

Gotta agree with Bags here, it is depressing. But it's also beautiful that you can lay it all down, like you were letting the words fall onto paper so matter of factly and maybe not focusing so hard on vocabulary etc, it was just real. When I can't sleep at night and I read pieces like this, I feel thankful and sad all at once that someone out there feels the same as me. Alway appreciated your jots, dull boy. Thank you

[Exis]

Good shit...depressin' yes, but unenjoyable no...had alot of nice sections here, dug the first half...thought the rest was solid

Stay upwards.

[dull boy]

:)