sprung

[Eŋg]

numb; asleep on a sprung settee,
I pulled on a string that spun a dream,
Of white and black - but the scene
Needed apt colouring,
The pen and pad’s buggin' me,
I’m trapped under sheets, black cover-chiefs
lack other cheeks, to turn.
toe-tagged & wrapped un-discreet. rap hungrily
or have your corpse stacked suddenly
on the point of the map that's thundery.
fallacy's pathetic, uhm, weak shit. irregular prefix.
vestibular remix, conceptual edict; letters are scenic,
expel them in sequence
with no measure of secret until every key hits,
as long as the essence’s beating I’m never defeated,
prick yourself, prick.
don't fetter thoughts -- better to bleed it.
gung-ho, love hoes, take that protector. don't need it.
ode heeded:
sole phoenix; soul seeded in threads of causation.
misread for caucasian, wow, fuck a skin tone.
open doors of perception and see how your kin grow.
if not: got model 1887's, akimbo, watch how your wit go
when the tip glow, that’s Eng yo, king flow with a big nose
bent in some mad degrees,
descended from Maccabee's - read upon tapestries,
extended said faculty to seminal mastery.
not really semetic. uncertain, actually.
the feeling's embedded.
staring at the ceiling's emetic.
ugh. break it the fuck down!
uhm. say what you want now:
how to be love-stricken
if the heart on my sleeve was missing?!
Does a thought serve its purpose if the meaning's unwritten?
i speak in tongues, sequenced, spun, peaceful, sprung rhythm.

[Sick]

if not: got model 1887's, akimbo, watch how your wit go
when the tip glow, that’s Eng yo, king flow with a big nose

Did lol


Dope flow and liked how you rhymed unordinary words


Props my nigga

[Mael]

This was cool. A common feature I find in your writings is the use of arbitrary punctuation, e.g. "lack other cheeks, to turn.", which I suspect you use to maintain a level of prosody. Poetically it works, but in rap format it would probably be an abrupt change to the flow (then again, pieces like this weren't intended for audio). Either way, great use of unorthodox diction. This came off as a blend of subconscious ramblings of an intoxicated lyricist.

/drunk.

[razor wayans damon blades]

I dont know what youre looking for in terms of what I think of it, if you want advice, or if you just want to give you the good points of it!

this was good! keep it up, sometimes I think expanding on your phrases can be exceptional! give it a try? The heart on the sleeve bit added a tad bit early brethren!

[oats]

Lots of gems in here, on my phone so it's bothersome to quote them all, but I liked this a lot, felt like a wind storm of ideas and phrases swirling around, never finding a true shape but all around a central feeling. I particularly liked that last line about thoughts losing meaning if there are no words attached to them. Good shit.

[Eŋg]

thanks all. will get you back.

who wrote the tag?

[Split]

up

[Eŋg]

Originally Posted by Split Eight

up

lol.

[Illume]

Originally Posted by Eŋg

numb; asleep on a sprung settee,
I pulled on a string that spun a dream,
Of white and black - but the scene
Needed apt colouring,
The pen and pad’s buggin' me,
I’m trapped under sheets, black cover-chiefs
lack other cheeks, to turn.
toe-tagged & wrapped un-discreet. rap hungrily
or have your corpse stacked suddenly
on the point of the map that's thundery.
fallacy's pathetic, uhm, weak shit. irregular prefix.
vestibular remix, conceptual edict; letters are scenic,
expel them in sequence
with no measure of secret until every key hits,
as long as the essence’s beating I’m never defeated,
prick yourself, prick.
don't fetter thoughts -- better to bleed it.
gung-ho, love hoes, take that protector. don't need it.
ode heeded:
sole phoenix; soul seeded in threads of causation.
misread for caucasian, wow, fuck a skin tone.
open doors of perception and see how your kin grow.
if not: got model 1887's, akimbo, watch how your wit go
when the tip glow, that’s Eng yo, king flow with a big nose
bent in some mad degrees,
descended from Maccabee's - read upon tapestries,
extended said faculty to seminal mastery.
not really semetic. uncertain, actually.
the feeling's embedded.
staring at the ceiling's emetic.
ugh. break it the fuck down!
uhm. say what you want now:
how to be love-stricken
if the heart on my sleeve was missing?!
Does a thought serve its purpose if the meaning's unwritten?
i speak in tongues, sequenced, spun, peaceful, sprung rhythm.

INsane flow in parts, but I nearly didn't read past the first phrase. Opener didnt grip me. Id ave cut out everythin before 'this pen and pad is buggin me' tbh. Cause every writer gets that block, it's instantly relateable. Not only that, the scheme only really felt like it began to flow after that line.

This part was fucking awesome though:

fallacy's pathetic, uhm, weak shit. irregular prefix.
vestibular remix, conceptual edict; letters are scenic,
expel them in sequence
with no measure of secret until every key hits,
as long as the essence’s beating I’m never defeated,
prick yourself, prick.
don't fetter thoughts -- better to bleed it.
gung-ho, love hoes, take that protector. don't need it.
ode heeded:
sole phoenix; soul seeded in threads of causation.
misread for caucasian, wow, fuck a skin tone.

If you could have kept that flow and scheme .. awesome scheme. The bit in bold felt like it cut it all prematurely short. And the kicker after this didnt have the weight of punch that the section before it demanded. But still, really impressive. I liked it.

Ender was killer.

All the subject matter was interesting mostly, and I liked the personality and natural wit in this too. Do more you.

[Ghost1]

Always wondered how such a mediocre writer could be such an elitist in judgment of others writing.....but then most elitist are painfully average it would seem. This shit was mild.

[Eŋg]

i'm at least above-average. i'm not, and never have been, elitist. i am critical.

Originally Posted by Bags

This shit was mild.

i wouldn't disagree with you. i'm still confident i could pen, or have penned, something you'd fuck(ed) with. pz.

[Illume]

Originally Posted by Bags

Always wondered how such a mediocre writer could be such an elitist in judgment of others writing.....but then most elitist are painfully average it would seem. This shit was mild.

Cause we see the same mistakes in our own writing in retrospect, so are just as tough on ourselves. It makes us, ultimately, end up being better writers.

I criticized it as a reader. If someone took the time to give honest criticism of mine like that Id be grateful.

[Ghost1]

I was speaking directly to the writer......As he recognized and commented back in that regard...

I didn't read your feedback and ive never read any of ur verses.

Ur safe.