Life After

UnoQuattroThres · 05-15-2013, 06:13 AM

I couldn't believe that she was gone...
Perfect for me with all the wrongs felt like it belongs
Throng upon my heart as songs leave me lethargic
The carpet pierces my skin with the coldness of the Artic
Which reminds me of Carthage and how it fell to ruins
Seeking solice like a Trojan in the mist of a lair of Bruins
Even the air brewing is strewn while these profiles stewing
Chewing the fat of this pain, strains granulate my persuing
Blown so now this king is alone in this game of thrones
And I hate seat changing rearranging names and tones
So I throw my phone, shattering reminds me of our first date
Our first mate, wait, the purse of a first consumed in hate

Now the morning shines as the movements slows
The crawl of San Fransisco sprawl removes the show
Essential patterns, day to day processing quickens
I'm behind the window pane, deafening sickening
Life plays hard in front of eyes of disdain
Thinking about the devil and the manifestation she came
I gotta move on! So I pull the strings from my limbs
Cutting the ties that the lies leave me to go "Why friends?"
Biting the bonds, sawing legs free, step closer to sanity
I reach across dirty clothes and stanky shoes to the vanity
A handy 45. places the last piece to the wicked puzzle
Oddly and fittingly, my skin has burned a smile on the muzzle
As cell structures explode to the normal mode of life
I'm ready for the after....openly closing my strife.....

That.......Bitch.....I.....Love....Her.....So...Mu ....
Is written cross my chest in blood.....

Dove Dozer · 05-15-2013, 08:34 AM

dude this was nice.. flow was pretty dope.

"Throng upon my heart as songs leave me lethargic
The carpet pierces my skin with the coldness of the Artic"

some ill shit here. loved it.

Just Write · 05-15-2013, 09:52 PM

This was a very well put together and developed drop man. Was this for a league somewhere? Either way i enjoyed it. Being an la native this litte gem really stood out for me

Seeking solice like a Trojan in the mist of a lair of Bruins

It dragged slightly through the middle but by the time i got to the end i was left satisfied. The ending was brutal and i loved it for that reason. Props

UnoQuattroThres · 05-16-2013, 01:15 AM

just something I keyed up bored. Thanks for the feed.

EndSane · 05-16-2013, 01:34 AM

I see the style and the inner rhymes with the Multies...the beginning was fire but u lost me in the middle with bad wording...know u wanted to keep the same schemes going but thought u coulda executed it better with more sound wording...I know what u meant by it but thought it could of been worded better to get ur point across:

"And I hate seat changing rearranging names and tones"

I have problems with my wording as well because I usually have a million ideas in my head at once...Not saying the piece was horrid just thought spots could of been worded better tbh...I know it was a flex and I commend you for that...this was not boring at all and kept my attention through out...love the overall scheme and message through out the piece...

Don't think I have fed or read anything of urs before...but this was solid, hope to read more
From u

Zen · 05-20-2013, 12:16 PM

So I'm feeding this after I liked your last piece and if this was a key then nice. The flow in this is what really held this together nicely. Virtually no hiccups in the first section but as End said it did sorta fall off toward the middle to me but no biggie man. You got skills.

05-15-2013, 06:13 AM	#1
UnoQuattroThres 143 is here.... Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 31 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 37	Life After I couldn't believe that she was gone... Perfect for me with all the wrongs felt like it belongs Throng upon my heart as songs leave me lethargic The carpet pierces my skin with the coldness of the Artic Which reminds me of Carthage and how it fell to ruins Seeking solice like a Trojan in the mist of a lair of Bruins Even the air brewing is strewn while these profiles stewing Chewing the fat of this pain, strains granulate my persuing Blown so now this king is alone in this game of thrones And I hate seat changing rearranging names and tones So I throw my phone, shattering reminds me of our first date Our first mate, wait, the purse of a first consumed in hate Now the morning shines as the movements slows The crawl of San Fransisco sprawl removes the show Essential patterns, day to day processing quickens I'm behind the window pane, deafening sickening Life plays hard in front of eyes of disdain Thinking about the devil and the manifestation she came I gotta move on! So I pull the strings from my limbs Cutting the ties that the lies leave me to go "Why friends?" Biting the bonds, sawing legs free, step closer to sanity I reach across dirty clothes and stanky shoes to the vanity A handy 45. places the last piece to the wicked puzzle Oddly and fittingly, my skin has burned a smile on the muzzle As cell structures explode to the normal mode of life I'm ready for the after....openly closing my strife..... That.......Bitch.....I.....Love....Her.....So...Mu .... Is written cross my chest in blood.....

05-15-2013, 08:34 AM	#2
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,077 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853216	dude this was nice.. flow was pretty dope. "Throng upon my heart as songs leave me lethargic The carpet pierces my skin with the coldness of the Artic" some ill shit here. loved it. __________________

05-15-2013, 09:52 PM	#3
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	This was a very well put together and developed drop man. Was this for a league somewhere? Either way i enjoyed it. Being an la native this litte gem really stood out for me Seeking solice like a Trojan in the mist of a lair of Bruins It dragged slightly through the middle but by the time i got to the end i was left satisfied. The ending was brutal and i loved it for that reason. Props __________________

05-16-2013, 01:34 AM	#5
EndSane Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 88 Battle Record: 0-1 Champed Challenge Week I Challenge Week II Challenge Week III Challenge Week IV Challenge Week V Challenge Week VI Challenge Week VII Challenge Week VIII Challenge Week IX Challenge Week X Rep Power: 38	I see the style and the inner rhymes with the Multies...the beginning was fire but u lost me in the middle with bad wording...know u wanted to keep the same schemes going but thought u coulda executed it better with more sound wording...I know what u meant by it but thought it could of been worded better to get ur point across: "And I hate seat changing rearranging names and tones" I have problems with my wording as well because I usually have a million ideas in my head at once...Not saying the piece was horrid just thought spots could of been worded better tbh...I know it was a flex and I commend you for that...this was not boring at all and kept my attention through out...love the overall scheme and message through out the piece... Don't think I have fed or read anything of urs before...but this was solid, hope to read more From u __________________ Delirious Nomads

05-16-2013, 01:15 AM	#4
UnoQuattroThres 143 is here.... Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 31 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 37	just something I keyed up bored. Thanks for the feed.

05-20-2013, 12:16 PM	#6
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	So I'm feeding this after I liked your last piece and if this was a key then nice. The flow in this is what really held this together nicely. Virtually no hiccups in the first section but as End said it did sorta fall off toward the middle to me but no biggie man. You got skills.