Joke's On You

Mr. J · 04-24-2013, 12:31 AM

You can chase...
Satisfaction asking if I'm faithful in my actions
I'm acting like nothing bugs me..and I'm cracking
under pressure, pleasure...whatever
never act like you'll ever get something better
something truer, nicer, or reality driven
you're stuck in my mind, and keep battling me in it
the best way to get rid of you is duly noted...
whether...russian roulette with a fully loaded
it stopped being about who we noticed..
what we do, how we do it...so all we usually boasted about...
was a dead horse that was truly "broke-in"
I really did get a kick out of the spur of the moment
call me a dick when you got the nerve to blow it...
I'm sure you are joking...and I missed the punchline
I wasted way too much time...wayyyy too much time

Zen · 04-24-2013, 02:03 PM

Nice little piece here. I like how you word the lines like:
under pressure, pleasure...whatever

It's catchy, makes all the words rhyme and it's enjoyable. This piece would be better though if it was longer lol. That's my only complaint. You seem like you know what you're doing so I'll leave it at that. But if you want more people to feed your pieces you should probably feed others. Keep droppin man.

Just Write · 04-24-2013, 09:03 PM

seen you feeding some pieces so i thought i'd return the favor. yea man this was pretty nice, simple but nice. there were a few hidden gems, i.e. crackimg under preasure, battling me in my mind ect. had a very mellow laid back tone to it.. i could see this as a spoken word or something. all in all this was dope, make a longer piece next time and ill definitely peep it. peace

Split · 04-25-2013, 10:15 PM

nice little verse. reality driven/ battling me in it was a good rhyme. metaphors/ plays whatever you want to call them were nicely and subtly worded

pz

Geno · 04-29-2013, 09:18 PM

Not bad. Had a vengeful yet sorrowful feel to it.

Was digging the metaphor you brought that had to do with horses/equestrian shit

Hope to see some more work from you. I feel like you have a good base to build on and have a huge potential to become real nasty around here. Keep dropping, stay active

04-24-2013, 12:31 AM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Joke's On You You can chase... Satisfaction asking if I'm faithful in my actions I'm acting like nothing bugs me..and I'm cracking under pressure, pleasure...whatever never act like you'll ever get something better something truer, nicer, or reality driven you're stuck in my mind, and keep battling me in it the best way to get rid of you is duly noted... whether...russian roulette with a fully loaded it stopped being about who we noticed.. what we do, how we do it...so all we usually boasted about... was a dead horse that was truly "broke-in" I really did get a kick out of the spur of the moment call me a dick when you got the nerve to blow it... I'm sure you are joking...and I missed the punchline I wasted way too much time...wayyyy too much time

04-24-2013, 09:03 PM	#3
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	seen you feeding some pieces so i thought i'd return the favor. yea man this was pretty nice, simple but nice. there were a few hidden gems, i.e. crackimg under preasure, battling me in my mind ect. had a very mellow laid back tone to it.. i could see this as a spoken word or something. all in all this was dope, make a longer piece next time and ill definitely peep it. peace __________________

04-25-2013, 10:15 PM	#4
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	nice little verse. reality driven/ battling me in it was a good rhyme. metaphors/ plays whatever you want to call them were nicely and subtly worded pz __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

04-29-2013, 09:18 PM	#5
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Not bad. Had a vengeful yet sorrowful feel to it. Was digging the metaphor you brought that had to do with horses/equestrian shit Hope to see some more work from you. I feel like you have a good base to build on and have a huge potential to become real nasty around here. Keep dropping, stay active __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

04-24-2013, 02:03 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Nice little piece here. I like how you word the lines like: under pressure, pleasure...whatever It's catchy, makes all the words rhyme and it's enjoyable. This piece would be better though if it was longer lol. That's my only complaint. You seem like you know what you're doing so I'll leave it at that. But if you want more people to feed your pieces you should probably feed others. Keep droppin man.