AOWL Week 10: DeadLion (0-0) VS. pohfig (4-3) [POHFIG WINS, 10-0.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/23 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/24 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC:

“We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.” Calvin Coolidge

Good luck to both participants.

[Pent uP]

Ill just drop a botw verse for thw both of us

[Dagel is a biter]

Cool.

[Dagel is a biter]

Crystal clear skies,
her whistle disappeared with wishful signs.
Blissful tears from crippled eyes,
pistol fears from events in the night.
Working class hero,
burning the past, learning that any hope
squirming in glass, once carried to a burial
- hurried to ask for a miracle.
Below shooting stars,
pushing cars instead of pulling Mars.
Curing scars -
luring the dark into worried hearts.
A cashier in daylight,
the stepping stool who isn't paid right.
Pressing through his own grave sight,
left with rules he'd rather escape by.
Pushed to the edge,
bullshit led to a culprit guess.
Pulled from his head,
full of hatred and shunned from death.
Ten minutes to closing,
his image was lifted from coping.
He sits in the crimson - hoping,
listen to the mission and go free.
"Get down on the ground, NOW!"
He pulls out the weapon of choice,
"put all the money in this pouch!"
not a soul makes a noise.
He knows he'll break,
but then tastes blood.
His bones begin to ache,
- he's been shot in the gut.
We cannot do everything at once,
but can do something at once.
When patience turns into a burden,
we lose sight of what we've become.

[Pent uP]

Habitstance

Work work work...
to fill the hole in your jeans.
Hold your esteem so no one sees and dont be displeased
- you only got the job because of the hole in your genes.
Its cold in my dreams.
So cold that it feels like hope when I breathe
getting burned in every burst as it floats into steam.
Every Three-sixty leaves me crispy -
over-rotisseried.
I'm burnt out, on my third round - I blurt loud in soliloquy
scolding the people that don't know what protocol means.

Toe-to-toe, blow for blow fiends waving their motion to leave
while rowing their shoulders against the undertow of the stream.
Repulsively eat - and fill the hole that you feed.
Hunger and thirst will lessen the first impressions
of the goals that you meet.
Money Money Money
you can pay the toll in your sleep.
Shedding weight is second rate if you're going for keeps.
We're programmable animals who's egos will deplete
if control isn't seized by force of our greed the moment we need.

Photos in heaps - ageless with our friends in a sanctum of events.
Too broke to thrive with no overdrive - laying in our beds.
We're crazy in our heads with all our imagery and shapes:
An awfully glossy coffee table mache'd from the filthiest mistakes
for you to kick your feet off the road of bills that you have paid.
There's Routine - in blue jeans and a beer belly - sitting in constraints -
Whiskey and an eighth hanging by a noose and giving him the aches.
Watching wasted obligations that the television illustrates.
A shadow in vast throes of past hopes as a figure in the drapes -
Robbers breaking in with blades of guilt to pick apart the brain -
I felt a vicious repetitious set of wishes quickening the pace.
The keyhole seems close to the spot where our conviction drifts away.
Room lit through a lamp cover that was a prism of decay -
A glimmer in the day from the M.I.B.-like omission of our faith,
A light switch manipulating personalities that're critically acclaimed,
..and a cat - paw deep in the aquarium - simply fishing for escape.

Whirring, whizzing, pissing, sitting, moaning, dizzy
and replay.
We're calm and considerate as long as our interests are maintained -
We'd run our feet to the bone chasing more than one of your thoughts
so
“We cannot do [everything] , but we can do something at once.”
-Calvin Coolidge

[Zen]

DeadLion: Good piece. Not HOF worthy but good. In some cases it seemed like you were rhyming just to rhyme. Perfect example of that is the Pulling Mars section. I do the same from time to time so no big deal. But all in all this piece was really fuckin short. There was little to no build up to the end. It's just sitting under stars, rhyme, rhyme, shot in the gut and that left me kinda...Idk I just thought there should be a bigger buildup before that point. All in all Dage..I mean DeadLion it was good.
pohfig: Damn good writing here. The wording was strange and different compared to others here and that's a plus in my book. It's very unique. Good content displayed throughout this piece but what I was most impressed with this piece was the figure in the drapes section. From that line til the end of that stanza was good in my opinion. Anyway you're rhyme scheme was basic to me, I would've like to have seen you change that up once in awhile to keep it a little fresh but it's no biggie. All in all a solid piece.

My vote goes to pohfig

[IamBenT]

Good battle!

DeadLion - So poetic and a muted style that still carries weight. Your opening imagery was great, the turn of events was intriguing, and the ending was the best part for me. you have a unique writing voice and this was a great intro to the amazing pieces to come.

"put all the money in this pouch!"
not a soul makes a noise.
He knows he'll break,
but then tastes blood.
His bones begin to ache,
- he's been shot in the gut.
We cannot do everything at once,
but can do something at once.
When patience turns into a burden,
we lose sight of what we've become.

really liked this ending, it was abrupt but really poetic and fascinating.

Pohfig - Wow i think you really came through with this verse, it's haunting, its poetic, the execution is damn near flawless, and yet another battle on my list for VOTW. every facet of your skills was on display here.

Toe-to-toe, blow for blow fiends waving their motion to leave
while rowing their shoulders against the undertow of the stream.
Repulsively eat - and fill the hole that you feed.
Hunger and thirst will lessen the first impressions
of the goals that you meet.

wowowowowowow very dope

A shadow in vast throes of past hopes as a figure in the drapes -
Robbers breaking in with blades of guilt to pick apart the brain -
I felt a vicious repetitious set of wishes quickening the pace.
The keyhole seems close to the spot where our conviction drifts away

Masterful

Really not much to criticize, tbh.

Vote -PohFig i liked DeadLion's piece, I felt it had a real aura and sense of sadness to it, but PohFig's verse was just an entire notch above.

[Just Write]

Crystal clear skies,
her whistle disappeared with wishful signs.
Blissful tears from crippled eyes,
pistol fears from events in the night.
Working class hero,
burning the past, learning that any hope
squirming in glass, once carried to a burial
- hurried to ask for a miracle.

i liked this opener here


Below shooting stars,
pushing cars instead of pulling Mars.
Curing scars -
luring the dark into worried hearts.
A cashier in daylight,
the stepping stool who isn't paid right.
Pressing through his own grave sight,
left with rules he'd rather escape by.
Pushed to the edge,
bullshit led to a culprit guess.
Pulled from his head,
full of hatred and shunned from death.
Ten minutes to closing,
his image was lifted from coping.
He sits in the crimson - hoping,
listen to the mission and go free.
"Get down on the ground, NOW!"
He pulls out the weapon of choice,
"put all the money in this pouch!"
not a soul makes a noise.


these last few lines were the most enjoyable to me

He knows he'll break,
but then tastes blood.
His bones begin to ache,
- he's been shot in the gut.
We cannot do everything at once,
but can do something at once.
When patience turns into a burden,
we lose sight of what we've become.

Dead, idk man... this was kinda bland and simple.. no real story and just kind of a whole hoe hum feel to it. now i could be reaching but as far as the line that buddah is referring too (pulling stars) the way i interpureted that was being poor and not being able to pay for gas so your pushing your car instead of reaching for the stars lol.. like i said though i could be reaching, i just like to find hidden meanings, even if they were not intended



Work work work...
to fill the hole in your jeans.
Hold your esteem so no one sees and dont be displeased
- you only got the job because of the hole in your genes.

the hole in your jeans/genes was slick rick mah dude

Its cold in my dreams.
So cold that it feels like hope when I breathe
getting burned in every burst as it floats into steam.
Every Three-sixty leaves me crispy -
over-rotisseried.
I'm burnt out, on my third round - I blurt loud in soliloquy
scolding the people that don't know what protocol means.

I love the word sililoquy :)

Toe-to-toe, blow for blow fiends waving their motion to leave
while rowing their shoulders against the undertow of the stream.
Repulsively eat - and fill the hole that you feed.
Hunger and thirst will lessen the first impressions
of the goals that you meet.
Money Money Money
you can pay the toll in your sleep.
Shedding weight is second rate if you're going for keeps.
We're programmable animals who's egos will deplete
if control isn't seized by force of our greed the moment we need.

I didnt like the word will before deplete, made it kind of sticky when reading it


Photos in heaps - ageless with our friends in a sanctum of events.
Too broke to thrive with no overdrive - laying in our beds.
We're crazy in our heads with all our imagery and shapes:
An awfully glossy coffee table mache'd from the filthiest mistakes
for you to kick your feet off the road of bills that you have paid.
There's Routine - in blue jeans and a beer belly - sitting in constraints -
Whiskey and an eighth hanging by a noose and giving him the aches.
Watching wasted obligations that the television illustrates.
A shadow in vast throes of past hopes as a figure in the drapes -
Robbers breaking in with blades of guilt to pick apart the brain -
I felt a vicious repetitious set of wishes quickening the pace.
The keyhole seems close to the spot where our conviction drifts away.
Room lit through a lamp cover that was a prism of decay -
A glimmer in the day from the M.I.B.-like omission of our faith,
A light switch manipulating personalities that're critically acclaimed,
..and a cat - paw deep in the aquarium - simply fishing for escape.

Whirring, whizzing, pissing, sitting, moaning, dizzy
and replay.
We're calm and considerate as long as our interests are maintained -
We'd run our feet to the bone chasing more than one of your thoughts
so
“We cannot do [everything] , but we can do something at once.”

the whole rest of this was dope

ok definitely enjoyed this mah dude, your pieces read off and flow off the toungue pretty effortlessly, as far as content i loved what you did with the word flips and what not, scheme was dope. just a very enjoyable read. props
mvgt=Poh

[zygote]

Deadlion, very descriptive but no strong themes or anything of interesting substance. E.g., crystal clear skies, a cashier in the daylight. You are describing things with great poetic quality but it lacked the reason why you were describing it beyond a simple story. Perhaps, story lacked some other themes or symbolism could improve it.

Pohfig, also used the vivid descriptive but had a deeper concept. Especially enjoyed the comparisons of eating/gorging behavior and consumerism behavior. Also, the themes of self-destructive behavior within society, enjoyed these cynical references to human nature. Voted for Pohfig.

[ZeeDee]

Deadlion... pretty good piece.. flow was solid and was on point with the topic as well, but it lacked details of such a big event as a robery gone bad.. a litle more on the chacter development and why this person is doing a robbery.... something that allows me as the reader to feel closer to the character to. The short story was very short in this instance imo... and needed more on the chararacter and more details of the actual robbery would of this a lot better I think...

Pohfig, this was filled with a lot of vedry cleverly worded lines and metaphorical wisdom and was really nice in flow as well. It read smoothly all the way to the end. The narration is the biggest part in this as there was no charfacter to develop.... and the narration was fire... every other line or I was hit with smething powerful in the message

Its cold in my dreams
So cold it feels lie hope when I breathe...

That line was dope and very creatively worded...

Vote pohfig... just gave more

[Cereal_Killa]

Deadlion:

This was cool, either you are new to lyrical story leagues or you thought you where gonna get no showed.. this verse seems 1/3 complete to me.. I don’t mean to offend cause you did round it up but it was a tip of the iceberg type ish.. you just started character building had about 4 lines of action and then the resolution.. for a short piece this was dope.. you have all the elements of a great writer you just didn’t get to flush the whole piece out this week.. cool none the less dude, nice drop..

Pent:

Man I felt this piece.. the hurry, the urgency and dire upkeep of being alive.. It’s constant and in full motion.. dude awesome placement of words, structure was dif from usual but I really loved it.. tight man by placing so many internals in each line that’s what drove this piece at its remarkable pace, and by then breaking them with your punctuation.. it was like a sudden stop/pause/period (a calm) then straight back into reality – fast paced and real heavy.. dope dude

Vote = pohfig

I think deadlion is just getten into the swing of things n we will be seeing a lot of dope work from them.. pent your structure was off the chain.. nice match guys g/l

[Objective]

Deadlion: Meh.. I'd like to know more. It's rather short and cryptic, pulling cars instead of Mars? Da fuq is that supposed to mean? I don't get it. So, she's pushing cars? Is she selling them or something? And ''instead of pulling Mars'', so, she's afraid of relationship/commitment etc? Not sure if I get this line but it looks poorly worded. A lot of your sentences also seemed to lack a reason for them being there, I don't know.. Just what I felt while reading it.

Don't be afraid of making your sentences abit clearer to get your point across as long as it flows throughout. Your verse did flow decently enough, but in total the verse wasn't that great and rather looked like a sketch or a stream of ideas that could need some formating etc. The potential for a decent piece is there, but as it stands now it could need some more work. I also didn't like the fact that you used the entire topic in your piece, it's cool to hint/reference it, but completely copying it is a lazy way of doing it. Get creative, let yourself loose, try different shit and just go for it man. I've read some similar endings/plots before and this wasn't among the best. Keep writing and improve.

Pohfig: Started off decent enough and got progressively better throughout. Definately enjoyed the third stanza. Great imagery and descriptive shit in there. Love how the sentences flow fluidly as I read them and manage to picture it in my head by the way you write;

''We're crazy in our heads with all our imagery and shapes:
An awfully glossy coffee table mache'd from the filthiest mistakes.''
^ Idk why, but I fucking loved the second line here. Some shit that could be read from a book. Dope.

I took notice that you quoted the title as well, I have done it sometime in my past as well so I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but; I don't like it. Beside of that, dope verse, enjoyed the read, not as great as your last weeks verse but still pretty cool nevertheless. Keep it up.

Vote: Pohfig. If DeadLion sorts out his sentences a little bit better I think we'll look at some pretty interesting shit.

[Nigma]

Welcome to the league DeadLion. You will fit in here, however you were unfortunate enough to be paired with one of the most talented writers in the league for your introductory battle. Your flow was very consistent throughout, you portrayed emotion quite effectively as well. Aside from that, nothing stands out worth mentioning as for as criticism to me.

Pohfig, another awesome read. Week in and week out you are constantly putting up verses that are at least in the running for VOTW. You have a tremendous amount of different high level techniques in your arsenal that all mesh together to create beauty. After reading your verse I get the impression that you just sit down and start writing, and magic happens; raw talent. Thanks for another good read, felt you took this one easily.

+1 Pohfig

[Dove Dozer]

Sorry for the low quality vote. Im on army ops right now with little time so im trying just to get a honest vote in..

Dead- very nice verse here poetic and straight to the point. Very much like how i write. I liked your cadence on this here. I could spit this to audio.

Pohfig- damn man. I missed seeing your writing. Elegant with words here. Vocab was beautiful. Mechanics crazy.. rhyming like a motherfucker through out. Very nice work. Typical pent up style. Mad props

V/pohfig

[Red glare]

Deadlion. This could've been dope., Action packed; poetic at the same time. The combination of wordplay; elegant yet enigmatic; last few lines could've bee more definitive. Swift verse; created a dust cloud - in which the idea got lost in. Ironically you lost sight. The conclusion/last 2 bars felt tacked on; different twist/wording maybe would've created less of a Anticlimax.

Pohfig. You must be a security guard. A stationary figure of some sorts who writes with a very lucid flow when he gets the chance. Your Job is probably the total opposite of your flow. Your job is most likely monotonous and precarious. While your flow remains unrestrained and free spirited; I can only suggest what I have interpreted. There are a lot of abstract thought patterns that are puzzling but Reading it was a enjoyable chore;
One line brought your character to life for me. It was this one.
There's Routine - in blue jeans and a beer belly - sitting in constraints -
Whiskey and an eighth
good abstract average joe shit at the end of the day.

All in all. Very evenly keeled writing abilities. Both superb in their own rights. I think the winner is clear, in a abstract sense. Dead Lion needed more back story and a strong closer in which he was well on his way to. Good showing young lad. Pohfig was too cunning this time around

MVGT Pohfig

[King Ra.]

POHFIG WINS, 10-0.