Wood.

e11even · 03-05-2014, 12:00 AM

I've created a sentient program that mimics Inuit romance
A sensitive, sensuous Conan that, due to his physical limits, cant hold hands.
Trivial on the skin of the issue, but a limbless individual
faces a residual ridicule, this kind of torment revisits you...

no embraces, friendship bracelets, masturbation- the list continues,
the experiment was to test evolving Artificial
Intelligence without a control. An anticipated concert with no venue.

This was exciting! Nail biting, watching the film spools...
Countless tryings, contraption-designing, just to have limbs move.
Pinnochio wanted to be a real boy... Gipetto is blissful...

To be cliffhanged...

PancakeBrah · 03-05-2014, 01:29 AM

I really liked 'This was exciting!"

The last portion (the section that started with what I quoted) was the best. You had some weird punctuation and it seemed like you were trying too hard. Some of it didn't make sense because you were trying to be too poetic and some of it didnt make sense because you were too focused on rhyme.

e11even · 03-05-2014, 01:52 AM

Just something pasted thats been on my evernote for a while that I never really cared to finish. Thanks for the feed, Cake!

big baby · 03-05-2014, 08:47 AM

which the second line was worded and flowed better that was awesome. Everything hit the same.

Vulgar · 03-06-2014, 05:00 PM

I've created a sentient program that mimics Inuit romance
^Mmm.. this is my kind of opening line.

The content didn't really go where I wanted it to go. It was okay though. Your style is recognizable now.

e11even · 03-07-2014, 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vulgar

I've created a sentient program that mimics Inuit romance
^Mmm.. this is my kind of opening line.

The content didn't really go where I wanted it to go. It was okay though. Your style is recognizable now.

I'll assume that was not a compliment. Thanks for the valuable feed though Vulg. Always happy to get a read from you.

Certain · 03-07-2014, 04:30 AM

This is OK. I mean, it's tough to discuss something so incomplete. The opening line was cool, but the descriptions of the monster we're discussing were mixed and vague.

Vulgar · 03-07-2014, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vividlyvague

I'll assume that was not a compliment. Thanks for the valuable feed though Vulg. Always happy to get a read from you.

No, it was. I meant that your 'voice' shines through now fluently. Not that it didn't at any prior dates, I just got used to reading your stuff.

e11even · 03-07-2014, 12:33 PM

Oh ok. Well at least I'm somewhat consistent. Thanks.

03-05-2014, 12:00 AM	#1
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Wood. I've created a sentient program that mimics Inuit romance A sensitive, sensuous Conan that, due to his physical limits, cant hold hands. Trivial on the skin of the issue, but a limbless individual faces a residual ridicule, this kind of torment revisits you... no embraces, friendship bracelets, masturbation- the list continues, the experiment was to test evolving Artificial Intelligence without a control. An anticipated concert with no venue. This was exciting! Nail biting, watching the film spools... Countless tryings, contraption-designing, just to have limbs move. Pinnochio wanted to be a real boy... Gipetto is blissful... To be cliffhanged... __________________ Ahem.

03-05-2014, 01:29 AM	#2
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	I really liked 'This was exciting!" The last portion (the section that started with what I quoted) was the best. You had some weird punctuation and it seemed like you were trying too hard. Some of it didn't make sense because you were trying to be too poetic and some of it didnt make sense because you were too focused on rhyme. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

03-05-2014, 01:52 AM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Just something pasted thats been on my evernote for a while that I never really cared to finish. Thanks for the feed, Cake! __________________ Ahem.

03-07-2014, 04:30 AM	#7
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This is OK. I mean, it's tough to discuss something so incomplete. The opening line was cool, but the descriptions of the monster we're discussing were mixed and vague. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

03-07-2014, 12:33 PM	#9
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Oh ok. Well at least I'm somewhat consistent. Thanks. __________________ Ahem.

03-06-2014, 05:00 PM	#5
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	I've created a sentient program that mimics Inuit romance ^Mmm.. this is my kind of opening line. The content didn't really go where I wanted it to go. It was okay though. Your style is recognizable now.