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[Vulgar]

[

[Baron Mynd]

I read this in the AOWL or whatever they're calling it now

dope shit, sir

Keep that pen moving!

[Mitch]

This is sick.

I remember seeing Nibiru few years ago for a couple weeks in the sky.
also i heard about the polar circles u mentioned, apparently there are 6 of them.
it seems like u know a lot about this stuff, maybe we can talk about it sometime man.

[big baby]

this is tight and i see bounds of improvement...graphically. my problem (problem lol) with your writing wasnt anything to do with the tier of writing you possessed, but moreso you were more one direction if anything... its hard to debug a writer based on singular performances or anything of that matter, but with you, you demonstrated more of a metaphorical possession and you stuck to that on various levels, never really treading...for example, a writer that poses only a visual context line after line, its hard to think of anything else they write that might be exclusive or amazing in that literary element. here, you showed flashes of both metaphorical writing and imagery entailing the lexicon of weapons you have that are above average. your thematic language is good but could be better, (this is me critiquing you, not giving you positive feedback on the things you already do exceptionally, btw)

you had many flashes of deadmanesque writing here, its funny, really. the way he configures and dedicates about 4 lines to a certain imagery that develops the readers mind and the stories progression is more linear, rather than arcing, so to say, this can be in one of his verses and nobody would question it

Light years heavily set in, as they've exponentially known
by graphing arctic circles during endless treks to the poles
diplomacy's gotta be prompt, deliberate, connected tentacle-domes

of course the syllables and inner schematic rhyming is just literally a centimeter off, that reminded me heavily of him, which I can see the influence.

you gave a bit of a psychosomatic philosophical query of thoughts towards the end, which didnt really flash brilliance of your ordinary stuff, but moreso the influence of a mesh of writers or you trying to deliberately wrap up the story. in the grand scheme of things this was good. entailing every detail of life together and the top tier of possible writing there is, i'd give it around a 7. your overall writing exposure i'd give it a high 8, meandering around 6-8 on a given occasion.

another thing I was going to mention, your fluidity with words has, respectably improved drastically, something just showing vast amounts of improvements, this is where you turn off a lot of readers with a grasp of language and writing entirely (experienced, good writers/readers) your wording at an overall basis was about a D+ (seriously, your wording is absolutely horrid at times, to fit these complex metaphorical ideas that are, above average) combining the two makes your writing just a step below above average at times, or tad above it, hovering around there. Thats where you stand, in my opinion. When you combine a negative neutron and a positive one (this isn't really science im about to deploy) you can get either a mostly positive reaction, or a slightly negative one. You combined these two monsters and your writing lacks, but when you combine two positives, one being a bigger plus sign (your ideas, etc) with your wording (smaller plus sign) theres no doubt you'll fall in the likeness of a lot of people. this is exceptional wording and i applaud you

getting lifted - minus the expensive aerial tactics
or the caffeine crash after pre-emptive, hasty reactions
Creole soup flowing anti-gravity like, in beaded loops
twelve hands on the analogs planting seeds of youth
amber weeds have bloomed, anesthesia's optional
the neutrality of its gaze makes this fantasy so possible

awesome. keep it up.

[Vulgar]

Very helpful feedback, thank you!


@Mitch, I can't say it was intentional but it goes to show that mankind has a wild imagination. I'm not into alien research but I don't have anything against it.

[NYCSPITZ]

I'm beginning to appreciate big baby's feed. irrespective of the constant tense changes which is lol considering he's always criticizing people and his somewhat audacious/impertinent comments I can see the power of his mind working. Good feed

Vulgar I thought this was dope homie. First half or so was the best part. Felt you were more focused in the beginning. It's always a pleasure to read your material and sometimes it takes a few reads for me to get the underlying vibes to it, which is prob completely off based compared to what you meant. Lol @ the ending's twist. I feel you get caught up in one particular aspect sometimes like wording or imagery whereas my fav pieces from you have always been more distanced from the action, encompassing one or more distinct characters, or even settings/ideas which you have characterized - like a wise fucking Aesop eagle viewing the story as it unfolds from above.

but yeah good shit fam look fwd to more

[Zen]

I don't know if this is how you intended it, but I read this a POV from the alien's point of view with the capitalized words being his mission or his status. The descriptive language was great and I could picture everything as you wrote. Like bb mentioned some lines were a little difficult to read, not because of the wording necessarily but because the syllable count was a little off. Still, this was a very cool read. Reminds me of the first pieces I read from you. Good stuff.

[Geno]

always sick with some off the wall vocab that ive never seen/used before.
schemes are nicely done and the topic was mutilated. hope you won this match... certainly seems deserving of a w imo. dope work vulgar.

good to read something from you, my bad. been a while