Obelisk.

e11even · 03-05-2014, 01:50 AM

Idolater. Novice.
You reek of weak.
You pose in prose script;
lips that move, but don't speak.
Yet those that know this
focus solely on large shoes... excusing small feet.
these trappings're wrappings of holistic solace...
the bacterial film enveloping the meat.
You reside in a coccoon of fabrication.
Lies are the crevices creasing your dream-laden motif.
Cryptic truths; blunt tales... ego's postulation.
Sails flail on ships never chartered.
Revered as you regale your congregation
endearing your cloak with chinks partnered.
Followers forgive. It's contagious.
You entertain til the malaise hits.
Then the God is but a man,
an obelisk to the brainless.

Zen · 03-05-2014, 08:24 AM

Hello Vivid. There was some very nice use of language used throughout this piece. They were subtle but there for a purpose and I dug that. The "solely focus on large shoes" was an example of what I mean. It's clever writing. You laid down the foundation of what you wanted, and for such a short piece it was enjoyable. Well done.

e11even · 03-05-2014, 04:58 PM

Thanks zen. I had a faint idea, scribbled it out and hoped for the best lol.

Saila · 03-06-2014, 10:12 AM

I liked the poetry feel this had to it. The schemes you used gave it that vibe. Bit short, and I'd liked to have seen more to this, cuz I was really enjoying it. I'll look out for more of your work.

e11even · 03-07-2014, 12:55 AM

Thanks for the feed :)

03-05-2014, 01:50 AM	#1
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Obelisk. Idolater. Novice. You reek of weak. You pose in prose script; lips that move, but don't speak. Yet those that know this focus solely on large shoes... excusing small feet. these trappings're wrappings of holistic solace... the bacterial film enveloping the meat. You reside in a coccoon of fabrication. Lies are the crevices creasing your dream-laden motif. Cryptic truths; blunt tales... ego's postulation. Sails flail on ships never chartered. Revered as you regale your congregation endearing your cloak with chinks partnered. Followers forgive. It's contagious. You entertain til the malaise hits. Then the God is but a man, an obelisk to the brainless. __________________ Ahem.

03-05-2014, 04:58 PM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Thanks zen. I had a faint idea, scribbled it out and hoped for the best lol. __________________ Ahem.

03-07-2014, 12:55 AM	#5
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Thanks for the feed :) __________________ Ahem.

03-05-2014, 08:24 AM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Hello Vivid. There was some very nice use of language used throughout this piece. They were subtle but there for a purpose and I dug that. The "solely focus on large shoes" was an example of what I mean. It's clever writing. You laid down the foundation of what you wanted, and for such a short piece it was enjoyable. Well done.

03-06-2014, 10:12 AM	#4
Saila Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 179 Rep Power: 35	I liked the poetry feel this had to it. The schemes you used gave it that vibe. Bit short, and I'd liked to have seen more to this, cuz I was really enjoying it. I'll look out for more of your work.