Apocalypse now

NYCSPITZ · 02-23-2014, 07:19 PM

Apocalypse now redux-twelve; the horror's alive
hidden beneath this school locker gray-porcelain sky
a forest alive...beings and trees of God's poorest design
bio-war in a steel cauldron spitting odorous lies...
It's hell to most but for some it's heaven's soma disguised
as he looks back at his wife, son and Doberman's eyes
passing Mary and Jesus' photo-
he turns, throws a cross and pays an ode with his mind.
-There weren't many men with the experience and patience of Scott
Summa Cum Laude, varsity ball...a certain cadence of thought
when the skies turned, many believed it was a statement of God
but Scott analyzed the atoms - their composition and valence was off
it wasn't long before most of them died, laden with coughs
--A hunting knife's strapped to his leg, there's three guns on the other
he jogs toward a forest of mutants, and the Burgundy brothers
good on ammunition for months, shit...he'd murder for butter
stepping past forlorn oaks, a bush unfurls with a shudder
looking evil in dirty rags - a triple eyed little girl and her mother
Scott stopped. They had that sad-empty look of people estranged
estranged from nature...estranged from God. A people in chains.
He simply pointed South and stared, they nodded approvement
...the Burgundy brothers' concubines had some laudable uses.
He reached an opening flanked by birch walls; the white summons was odd
pulling a gun he senses death, then thinks of his wife, son and his dog
A raging boar comes forth, enraged, two tons and eight feet tall
Through the nose and to the brain - there couldn't be any mistakes involved
It shook its head, roared and charged with the pace of a God
...three bullets in its brain, it slid 30 feet, slumping to face with Scott
still alive, writhing wildly until he sated its thoughts
Suddenly his right arm felt strange...abrasive and taut
looking down, an arrow was sticking out his flesh in a spot
The jeering black toothed brothers stepped and they cocked
two crossbows grinning savagely with his death in their thoughts
"meeeeat..." demented, patting the boar's head crazed, he croons
the other shot an arrow, almost grazing his filtration tube
no need for guns, once he pulls out his blade they're doomed
criss-crossing, he takes an arrow to the forearm, then slays the two
Saying a hail mary he kneels, carving a cross in their tan cheeks
searching their pockets, he's overjoyed! three pieces of canned meat.
Shortly after he returns, Scott dances in his glee
"Look honey! MEAT FOR JUNIOR..." he rolls the cans up to her feet
"don't cry dear, you're too special...you're such a gorgeous thing"
she nods her approval jerkily-
head full of maggots, decomposing on the porch's swing

.

NYCSPITZ · 02-23-2014, 07:21 PM

Editing liños héro tomorrow

Illume · 02-24-2014, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Totoro

Apocalypse now redux-twelve; the horror's alive
hidden beneath this school locker gray-porcelain sky
a forest alive...beings and trees of God's poorest design
bio-war in a steel cauldron spitting odorous lies...
It's hell to most but for some it's heaven's soma disguised
as he looks back at his wife, son and Doberman's eyes
passing Mary and Jesus' photo-
he turns, throws a cross and pays an ode with his mind.
-There weren't many men with the experience and patience of Scott
Summa Cum Laude, varsity ball...a certain cadence of thought
when the skies turned, many believed it was a statement of God
but Scott analyzed the atoms - their composition and valence was off
it wasn't long before most of them died, laden with coughs
--A hunting knife's strapped to his leg, there's three guns on the other
he jogs toward a forest of mutants, and the Burgundy brothers
good on ammunition for months, shit...he'd murder for butter
stepping past forlorn oaks, a bush unfurls with a shudder
looking evil in dirty rags - a triple eyed little girl and her mother
Scott stopped. They had that sad-empty look of people estranged
estranged from nature...estranged from God. A people in chains.
He simply pointed South and stared, they nodded approvement
...the Burgundy brothers' concubines had some laudable uses.
He reached an opening flanked by birch walls; the white summons was odd
pulling a gun he senses death, then thinks of his wife, son and his dog
A raging boar comes forth, enraged, two tons and eight feet tall
Through the nose and to the brain - there couldn't be any mistakes involved
It shook its head, roared and charged with the pace of a God
...three bullets in its brain, it slid 30 feet, slumping to face with Scott
still alive, writhing wildly until he sated its thoughts
Suddenly his right arm felt strange...abrasive and taut
looking down, an arrow was sticking out his flesh in a spot
The jeering black toothed brothers stepped and they cocked
two crossbows grinning savagely with his death in their thoughts
"meeeeat..." demented, patting the boar's head crazed, he croons
the other shot an arrow, almost grazing his filtration tube
no need for guns, once he pulls out his blade they're doomed
criss-crossing, he takes an arrow to the forearm, then slays the two
Saying a hail mary he kneels, carving a cross in their tan cheeks
searching their pockets, he's overjoyed! three pieces of canned meat.
Shortly after he returns, Scott dances in his glee
"Look honey! MEAT FOR JUNIOR..." he rolls the cans up to her feet
"don't cry dear, you're too special...you're such a gorgeous thing"
she nods her approval jerkily-
head full of maggots, decomposing on the porch's swing

.

All the parts in bold, I thought the scheme was up there with the best. Vocab use was awesome. technical ability and creativity oozing out of this piece. But when you changed the flow it just lost that edge IMO. Seemed to become suddenly simpler and lose the wow factor.

You're head and shoulders above me technically and in vocab, but yea, as a critic that's my two cents.

Vulgar · 02-24-2014, 12:11 PM

Apocalypse now redux-twelve; the horror's alive
hidden beneath this school locker gray-porcelain sky
^The way you opened this up was reminiscent of the beginning of a dead man narrative. I know you know why. Similar tone & sky description. Or maybe he adapted this from you?
a forest alive...beings and trees of God's poorest design
bio-war in a steel cauldron spitting odorous lies...
^Effective imagery. Has me thinking of Isengard on a humid day..
It's hell to most but for some it's heaven's soma disguised
as he looks back at his wife, son and Doberman's eyes
passing Mary and Jesus' photo-
he turns, throws a cross and pays an ode with his mind.
^this third line was a little vague. Do you mean he was paying tribute?
-There weren't many men with the experience and patience of Scott
^I would never trust a man named Scott. Especially not with the blueprint for an atomic bomb, if you're about to allude to it. Only Gambit from X-Men is a Scott I trust.
Summa Cum Laude, varsity ball...a certain cadence of thought
^lol @ a certain cadence of thought. Very smooth description.
when the skies turned, many believed it was a statement of God
but Scott analyzed the atoms - their composition and valence was off
it wasn't long before most of them died, laden with coughs
--A hunting knife's strapped to his leg, there's three guns on the other
he jogs toward a forest of mutants, and the Burgundy brothers
good on ammunition for months, shit...he'd murder for butter
stepping past forlorn oaks, a bush unfurls with a shudder
^I didn't really like the word 'forlorn' here. It wasn't the right fit IMO.
looking evil in dirty rags - a triple eyed little girl and her mother
Scott stopped. They had that sad-empty look of people estranged
estranged from nature...estranged from God. A people in chains.
He simply pointed South and stared, they nodded approvement
...the Burgundy brothers' concubines had some laudable uses.
He reached an opening flanked by birch walls; the white summons was odd
^were odd*
pulling a gun he senses death, then thinks of his wife, son and his dog
A raging boar comes forth, enraged, two tons and eight feet tall
Through the nose and to the brain - there couldn't be any mistakes involved
It shook its head, roared and charged with the pace of a God
...three bullets in its brain, it slid 30 feet, slumping to face with Scott
^Nice. Isn't that how the giant boar died in the Miyazaki movie.. forgot the title.
still alive, writhing wildly until he sated its thoughts
Suddenly his right arm felt strange...abrasive and taut
looking down, an arrow was sticking out his flesh in a spot
The jeering black toothed brothers stepped and they cocked
two crossbows grinning savagely with his death in their thoughts
"meeeeat..." demented, patting the boar's head crazed, he croons
the other shot an arrow, almost grazing his filtration tube
no need for guns, once he pulls out his blade they're doomed
criss-crossing, he takes an arrow to the forearm, then slays the two
Saying a hail mary he kneels, carving a cross in their tan cheeks
searching their pockets, he's overjoyed! three pieces of canned meat.
Shortly after he returns, Scott dances in his glee
"Look honey! MEAT FOR JUNIOR..." he rolls the cans up to her feet
"don't cry dear, you're too special...you're such a gorgeous thing"
she nods her approval jerkily-
head full of maggots, decomposing on the porch's swing

This was well done, I'll continue my feed for this another day though or later because my comprehension is a little bit off.

02-23-2014, 07:19 PM	#1
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	Apocalypse now Apocalypse now redux-twelve; the horror's alive hidden beneath this school locker gray-porcelain sky a forest alive...beings and trees of God's poorest design bio-war in a steel cauldron spitting odorous lies... It's hell to most but for some it's heaven's soma disguised as he looks back at his wife, son and Doberman's eyes passing Mary and Jesus' photo- he turns, throws a cross and pays an ode with his mind. -There weren't many men with the experience and patience of Scott Summa Cum Laude, varsity ball...a certain cadence of thought when the skies turned, many believed it was a statement of God but Scott analyzed the atoms - their composition and valence was off it wasn't long before most of them died, laden with coughs --A hunting knife's strapped to his leg, there's three guns on the other he jogs toward a forest of mutants, and the Burgundy brothers good on ammunition for months, shit...he'd murder for butter stepping past forlorn oaks, a bush unfurls with a shudder looking evil in dirty rags - a triple eyed little girl and her mother Scott stopped. They had that sad-empty look of people estranged estranged from nature...estranged from God. A people in chains. He simply pointed South and stared, they nodded approvement ...the Burgundy brothers' concubines had some laudable uses. He reached an opening flanked by birch walls; the white summons was odd pulling a gun he senses death, then thinks of his wife, son and his dog A raging boar comes forth, enraged, two tons and eight feet tall Through the nose and to the brain - there couldn't be any mistakes involved It shook its head, roared and charged with the pace of a God ...three bullets in its brain, it slid 30 feet, slumping to face with Scott still alive, writhing wildly until he sated its thoughts Suddenly his right arm felt strange...abrasive and taut looking down, an arrow was sticking out his flesh in a spot The jeering black toothed brothers stepped and they cocked two crossbows grinning savagely with his death in their thoughts "meeeeat..." demented, patting the boar's head crazed, he croons the other shot an arrow, almost grazing his filtration tube no need for guns, once he pulls out his blade they're doomed criss-crossing, he takes an arrow to the forearm, then slays the two Saying a hail mary he kneels, carving a cross in their tan cheeks searching their pockets, he's overjoyed! three pieces of canned meat. Shortly after he returns, Scott dances in his glee "Look honey! MEAT FOR JUNIOR..." he rolls the cans up to her feet "don't cry dear, you're too special...you're such a gorgeous thing" she nods her approval jerkily- head full of maggots, decomposing on the porch's swing . __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

02-23-2014, 07:21 PM	#2
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	Editing liños héro tomorrow __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

02-24-2014, 12:11 PM	#4
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Apocalypse now redux-twelve; the horror's alive hidden beneath this school locker gray-porcelain sky ^The way you opened this up was reminiscent of the beginning of a dead man narrative. I know you know why. Similar tone & sky description. Or maybe he adapted this from you? a forest alive...beings and trees of God's poorest design bio-war in a steel cauldron spitting odorous lies... ^Effective imagery. Has me thinking of Isengard on a humid day.. It's hell to most but for some it's heaven's soma disguised as he looks back at his wife, son and Doberman's eyes passing Mary and Jesus' photo- he turns, throws a cross and pays an ode with his mind. ^this third line was a little vague. Do you mean he was paying tribute? -There weren't many men with the experience and patience of Scott ^I would never trust a man named Scott. Especially not with the blueprint for an atomic bomb, if you're about to allude to it. Only Gambit from X-Men is a Scott I trust. Summa Cum Laude, varsity ball...a certain cadence of thought ^lol @ a certain cadence of thought. Very smooth description. when the skies turned, many believed it was a statement of God but Scott analyzed the atoms - their composition and valence was off it wasn't long before most of them died, laden with coughs --A hunting knife's strapped to his leg, there's three guns on the other he jogs toward a forest of mutants, and the Burgundy brothers good on ammunition for months, shit...he'd murder for butter stepping past forlorn oaks, a bush unfurls with a shudder ^I didn't really like the word 'forlorn' here. It wasn't the right fit IMO. looking evil in dirty rags - a triple eyed little girl and her mother Scott stopped. They had that sad-empty look of people estranged estranged from nature...estranged from God. A people in chains. He simply pointed South and stared, they nodded approvement ...the Burgundy brothers' concubines had some laudable uses. He reached an opening flanked by birch walls; the white summons was odd ^were odd* pulling a gun he senses death, then thinks of his wife, son and his dog A raging boar comes forth, enraged, two tons and eight feet tall Through the nose and to the brain - there couldn't be any mistakes involved It shook its head, roared and charged with the pace of a God ...three bullets in its brain, it slid 30 feet, slumping to face with Scott ^Nice. Isn't that how the giant boar died in the Miyazaki movie.. forgot the title. still alive, writhing wildly until he sated its thoughts Suddenly his right arm felt strange...abrasive and taut looking down, an arrow was sticking out his flesh in a spot The jeering black toothed brothers stepped and they cocked two crossbows grinning savagely with his death in their thoughts "meeeeat..." demented, patting the boar's head crazed, he croons the other shot an arrow, almost grazing his filtration tube no need for guns, once he pulls out his blade they're doomed criss-crossing, he takes an arrow to the forearm, then slays the two Saying a hail mary he kneels, carving a cross in their tan cheeks searching their pockets, he's overjoyed! three pieces of canned meat. Shortly after he returns, Scott dances in his glee "Look honey! MEAT FOR JUNIOR..." he rolls the cans up to her feet "don't cry dear, you're too special...you're such a gorgeous thing" she nods her approval jerkily- head full of maggots, decomposing on the porch's swing This was well done, I'll continue my feed for this another day though or later because my comprehension is a little bit off.