AOWL Week 6: Innovator (2-3) VS. Patrown (1-1) [PATROWN WINS, 6-4.]

[Frank]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/23 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/24 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

TOPIC: "The Parent" (selected by Adonis)

Good luck to both participants. @Innovator @patrown

[patrown]

Check.

[Inno]

2 days to write?...word gl pat

[patrown]

Ext please

[Inno]

The brainstorm begins its mental swords and things
Created in accord with my verbal schemes
With a simple theme and an Mc’s dream.



This is how I raise my kids pay attention u could relate
I proceed to hatch plans to conceive plots to create
Then I nurture them indeed until its nature for them to perpetuate
Creating to escape while escape creates separation from the mundane
Jotting landscapes where diction thrives in the imagery it contains
Life is born from a mere phrase from a thought in the brain
The spark of light flickers innate inspiration that has been lying in wait
Giving legs to what I contemplate, now my thoughts run in place
As they are the ones who dictate the outcome of this mental race
Chasing a prize illusive in nature but visible to the makers eyes
Making my visions appear in a physical high chasing the pens stride
Euphoric senses creating a fantastic scene that’s ecstatic so it seems
Electric beams from my inner sanctum pushing my plots towards the suns gleam
My voice is lead, heavy like wood, gentle like how a pen glides
Against the flat tree I could spill my fears while my courage builds pride
the harbingers of my words that seek to illuminate
lay dormant ready to duplicate at arms call ready to regurgitate
the pens ink that water falls from the pearly gates

writing a journy through my journal that birth my words to animate.

[patrown]

It hadn’t been the same for Steven at home
Girlfriends left at odd hours leavin him alone
All he wanted was a mother for his child
But each women went away along with his smile
It was all worthwhile before she passed
Now he surfs channels idly wishing he was in the past
In between programs they played conan, dogs and cats as villains
Cowboys and indians with his little friend was a great nights highlight
Now he wishes for a time of day that didn’t seem like twilight
One morning he had come home and found the house empty
Police stormed in within seconds acting rather unfriendly
Seems his kid had some enemies at school
Pestered by a few bullies cuz he didn’t break the rules
but he didn’t understand fully what he was trying to prove
Steve remembered him asking, “why do I have to be cool?”
All he told Brian was comparing yourself to others is what fools do
Brian thought he had a plan that was foolproof

That morning he grabbed his lunchsack and bag full of books
Running and stumbling like a hunchback, others laughed as they looked
He’d have the last one with Dad’s gun in a Transformers lunchbox
He had asked em not to make fun when they’d bunch up ‘n talk
Not a single thought brought opposition to a hammer cocked back
No idea his father’d go to the slammer for leavin the lock off his gat
Just two shots and a splat, blood painted the walls
Because the hatred held inside hadn’t been resolved

All Steve wanted to do was leave these demons behind
Tried reaching inside to find some reason to live doing time
If it popped off he’d pause and drop, avoiding the shots
But he got called out for it soon by his boys on the block
Told him to make a move next time or get killed
So he tested a knot with his neck, no blood spilled

[Ink]

Innovator:
That was one misleading way to start your verse haha.. It was cool to spin it to talk about creating a verse rather than actual children. You can definitely rhyme, but there were times where it seemed like you just plopped words in because it rhymed. It wasn't overdone, but I think at times if you opted for other ways to phrase your line rather than one that lended itself to more rhyming, it would have help you travel further in your story with less words. Really liked your "Giving legs to what I contemplate" line. It was enjoyable overall, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you could have taken this piece much further and really make it top notch..

Patrown:
You know how picky I can be... With that said, on line 4.. it should be "woman" not "women." I'm sure you're used to my nitpicking by now lol..
A school shooting topic.. With the direction you took on this and the execution, it came off as a bit lackluster... I gave it a couple reads, and just couldn't get into it. What it is might be how not all the lines helped you really develop the story.. For example..

It was all worthwhile before she passed

That line gave us some background, sure, but it didn't really play a role anywhere else in the piece.. same with the part about what he watches on tv.. and with the ground you were trying to cover, a bit more efficiency in what to elaborate on and what to skip might have helped you a great deal here...

Vote: I wasn't really sure who to give this one too.. but i gave it some more thought and i'm gonna give this one to Innovator

[IamBenT]

This was not an easy read for me...

Innovator - your verse is plagued with vague words and references, all leading to an unsatisfying conclusion to an unclear topic. Only after really sifting through did I start to get what was being talked about. I like a few of your images and your word choices, but the rhyme scheme didn't work for me and several of the bars seemed stretched.

Patrown - I like the idea here, of exploring what it means to be the parent of one of these crazy kids, and how violence clouds things, but some of the lines were poorly executed, and a few more multis and creativity would have gone a long way towards me enjoying this verse more.

Vote -Patrown because I just liked the verse more and thought it was the more complete of the two, but props to innovator for being innovative.

[Vinzr]

Inno i thought your short verse didnt do you any justice this week, it didnt really have much substance to it tbh. There was no real development throughout and felt like a story that had no real ending. But mechanically it wasnt too bad, some areas might need fixin up tho..seemed like u just rushed the verse this week. Pat u had a nice concept and approach that i was feelin here, executed well and without a doubt took this one.

v/ Patrown

[Zen]

Inno: Vague piece like the others said but really it wasn't as bad to me as the others were saying. In fact I enjoyed reading it especially since some of the lines read like tongue twisters with the alliteration throughout. That was dope, but the only negative to me is saying to be more clear in your piece next week like the others have said as well. I think you rushed this one this week.
patrown: A more clear and descriptive story than that of Inno's but to be perfectly honest, I really didn't enjoy it. No offense but it just kinda bored me but you did hit the topic on the head and props for that. As far as your writing ability the syllable count in some lines were longer in some than they were in the others which really fucked me up as I was reading it. But all in all I'd say it was a good drop with clear emotion behind it.

Honestly this one could go either way, but I gotta go with patrown

[Cereal_Killa]

Innovator:
Hey cool, nice read.. A lil diddy but solid in its own rights.. Inspiring verses always hit home wen done correctly, I mean its hard to push a strong message without being preachy.. I think with dark topics its easier to be forceful with your point cause the characters are generally messy so its fitting.. Reading this was like words floating in the breeze, it was highly pleasant and soothing.. I haven’t read your work before, the subtleness in this works wonderful ly but I’d like to see if you do more intense pieces.. just to see if you give them the advance rhyme structures needed to slap a reader in the face.. Great work none the less..

Pat:
The MC of true spirit :) Man this was solid, the delivery has improved completely in this drop.. it def suited the piece, I mean the dialogue didn’t need to be high caliber to be well placed.. you still need to advance that rhyme scheme but it was cool, you where writing from pov of a child so it works.. Story itself due to the constant American shootings its def relevant and without really going into the parents you proved your point on the topic.. The progression moves smoothly, due to your style you revealed the end well b4 your final bars but still as a reader at that point I was looking for emotion which you had.. Cool piece..

Vote = patrown

This was oober close, I mean I haven’t checked votes properly yet but this will come down to the wire.. I am up front a story man, I mean honestly writing a topical against a story imo you have to come up with something completely left field and then convince me (even for a second) that your point of view is the way I should be thinking.. whether you believe it yourself.. in the end a topical up against a story is crazy, there is 10x as many elements to look at and way up in a fully developed story.. Saying that Inn still brought some fine work to the table.. Appreciate the read.. Nice verses guys..

[Frank]

Innovator. Tough verse. Rough around the edges. I read about how you never use spell check. Yeah. Verse does off come off a little cave man. Shit ain't that sophisticated but you catering to a certain reader. Once you build your vocabulary you will see a major improvement in your skill set. You have a writers voice, it's there. Just need to read more, write more. You have a raw quality to your shit. Just keep at it. Stay away ION/ATE endings for a while. Start breaking out of that comfort zone. Some quotes

The spark of light flickers innate inspiration that has been lying in wait
Giving legs to what I contemplate, now my thoughts run in place
As they are the ones who dictate the outcome of this mental race
Chasing a prize illusive in nature but visible to the makers eyes
Making my visions appear in a physical high chasing the pens stride
Euphoric senses creating a fantastic scene that’s ecstatic so it seems
Electric beams from my inner sanctum pushing my plots towards the suns gleam

Patrown. Good attempt at story telling. You need to start writing like you vote. Practice what you preach. You have a wider range of vocabulary and insight in your votes, then you do in your verses. How is that? Set aside 2-3 hours and really go the distance this next week. Full bodied verse. Physche your self up. Concentrate your approach. Judge yourself as if you are a spectator. And remember. Be creative/real/serious/funny/thoughtful/depressing/triumphant/political. Don't limit yourself. Some quotes

Not a single thought brought opposition to a hammer cocked back
No idea his father’d go to the slammer for leavin the lock off his gat
Just two shots and a splat, blood painted the walls
Because the hatred held inside hadn’t been resolved

MVGT Innovator

[Adonis]

Will be dropping a vote after I lather my body to a smooth glisten of soap

[King Ra.]

Both of you have the skills, but still need some work. This battle is just like the one I voted on previously (ZD/IAmBenT) in that we have a conceptual approach up against a story approach. Vator, I felt your scheme was simplistic and could have been done better to make your piece stand out more. The length of your piece also kind of takes from the overall effectiveness because I felt you did a great job with the direction you went with the topic. Very creative. Word selection is a highlight. You strung some together nicely & made it flow. Vocab is great but the scheme hinders you much here. Patrown, you took a storytellers approach & did a decent job. Could have been better. Your verse was very simplistic & the scheme wasn't very impressive. When telling a story, you have to be able to execute well with imagery & detail, and this too I felt your verse lacked. I liked the direction you went with the topic, especially tackling the issue of a kid being picked on & then his decision to bring a gun to school, but man, you could have took this and made a beast of a story with it. I would like to see you really open up more with your writing, same with Vator. After all of that, I will say I'm going to give the conceptual side of things the nod here. While Vator's piece was short, I felt the vocab & some of the descriptions in your verse were cool. Patrown told a decent story which needed more juice to have taken this match up IMO.

MVGT: Innovator.

[Adonis]

Inno - there are some wording issues and as far as the flow, I'm not loving it. The schemes seem a bit off...wording issues - "I proceed to hatch plans to conceive plots to create"... what your saying is you hatch plans you think of while creating?? Has to be a easier way to word your point across. Rhymes scheme issues - mundane, contain, brain....pay attention to syllable count in end of lines for flow. As for the piece it self, I rather love it, meaning the concept. You child being your words, and you giving it life while writing for us. Dope concept my man, and actually the wording issue I listed seems more like inuendo for the underlying concept then anything. All in all, I enjoyed your verse, I did however, not enjoy so many missing comas or some of your rhyme schemes. But as I said, overal it was enjoyable.


Rown - easier read then Inno, decent flow but a bit simple, fast paced story and I would imagine anyone who read, gave it full attention due to the pace. Charachter build up was there, imagery was there, flow was there. Overal very solid drop and read.


Vote - to me, it boils down to this, a story that had amazing pace and good execution. Verse, really a in depth look at the writer Inno with not so great mechanics, but solid execution on getting the point across. Well I enjoyed both, I more then likely will side with "the idea" over a story line, because I've read many stories over the years. And well Pat's was rather new to me, I didn't much like the ending. The father seemed like he loved his son very, very much in the character build up in first stanza, then kills himself in the last stanza for really no good reason. So with all this said... vote - Innovater in a close, but not that close bout...IMO

[Adonis]

upping for tie breaker(s)

[patrown]

thanks adonis. votes so far.. editing in more as i go..

http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES!

[Split]

Ok.

FAT.

didnt mind the simple schemes till

he spark of light flickers innate inspiration that has been lying in wait
Giving legs to what I contemplate, now my thoughts run in place
As they are the ones who dictate the outcome of this mental race

and then i was like pls tell me you didnt just jump back into that rhyme haha. then you went back to it again at the end, too. it just felt needlessly poetic overall, like there was a simpler way to say it but you wanted to say ti cool, and it didnt resonate right because of the simplicity of the story i guess. usually you pull it off easy. ended up more confused than elucidated.


Patrown.

I thought the story was neato, I dont know why but i didnt see the gun violence bit coming. Bringing this Brian character in was pointless. the rhyming was simple but sorta endearing, most people go for the "anything but straight talk" delivery and you didnt shy away.

your story lacked clarity. it was built up in a cool way. so the kid killed people at school? and the same day, his dad wasnt willing to put his son at risk and go into conflict, so he killed himself rather than put his child in danger?

i mean that ending's got dope potential.. a message about maybe how violence seeps through every crack, or how life is a struggle and you can fight back or give in, or maybe compare and contrast why the father and son took opposite routes and what that says about the dad as a parent.


but it left on a diminished chord. you just ended both plot lines independently. your message became "a dad and his kid both die by violence" which is kinda a stupid message. just work on characterization/ choosing details to make people think something. IF you were reading this, what would you think of these people, how can you use your spot behind the curtain to your advantage? work on plot basically. rhymes will come.


v/ Patrown for a verse with more depth, both had flawed execution.

[Split]

Patrown is up by 1. to be closed after my physics exam.

[Atheist]

Innovator - I kinda felt a bit 'lost at sea' so to speak at times, I
wasnt really sure what you were trying to portrait. I did enjoy how it
read, the rhymes and imagaery were nice at times. On the second read I
understood it more, ive only just woke up too so maybe thats why I felt
a little confused. Not the best ive seen from you but nice showing bud

Patrown - If im been honest with the concept you chose you could of
wrote a lot more in depth and really delved into the dark side of the
story, it felt like you had a great story but little substance. This been
said, on the whole it read smoothly and altho there wasnt much I really
liked about it, there wasnt much I disliked, other than Ive seen you
write a lot better, more in depth in previous verses.

On the whole, this could go either way but
on overall preference my vote goes to patrown.

Just enjoyed it that little bit more