Obnoxious Dave

[Zen]

Depressed. Betrayed. Compressed. Decayed under Heaven's weight. 'I best behave,
Still in a belligerent temperment. I waste no breath to pray. What's left I save.'
Relax. Pause. Wait for honest praise. Blast off like a comet's blaze.
Emotionally bonkers. Socially awkward jackin off to topless babes.
Obnoxious Dave. Stocked with rage loves nothin but blood gushin from mosh pits with blades
....And this is one of his positive days.
Ominous gaze. Apathy. Too mad to breathe. A savage beast on top of his game.
Black tee's and platinum chains but something's happened, A change.
He's zapped and tazed and slapped in chains.
Locked up in handcuffs on a passenger plane
For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage.
Inspector Matheson proclaimed, 'Stan have this faggot arrained in the cabin with Shane.
Hey you bastard!! Don't you have any shame!?'
Obnoxious Dave has not been phased. Locked in place he gives the cop a gaze.
.....This is one of his positive days.
He replyed, 'No it's a habit that became a labyrinth of pain.
I'm savage. Insane. An addict contained in a cavern of brains.'
He laughs. He's crazed. Happily deranged. Stan doubles back and paces
To the table to look at their faces. A myriam of victims.
He's unable to maintain his calm. He puts his face in his palms.
He starts to pray to Psalms...But it doesn't help...Something's felt.
Anger to this stranger he's got to release. He grabs the gun in his belt.
He rips apart at the seams. A dove in Hell...He loves himself.
Obnoxious Dave is shot in the face. Bullet lodged in place at the top of his brain.
.....Stan just had a positive day....

[IamBenT]

I like the use of ellipses in this. I would like to hear this to a beat cuz i'm sure the multis are alot of fun. Again, my criticism stands, i find it hard to believe that Stan would just blast that fool in the face. Other than that the verse is pretty dope, plus the first like 10 or so lines are really memorable hot fire.

[Zen]

Well I'm thinking of adding a part two to the story as well to explain why he did @IamBenT. Kind of a prequel and a sequel in one piece. But appreciate you feeding again

[IamBenT]

Now we're talking, can't wait to read, cuz Stan is the man, shit who knows I would probably blast that fool too

[Venom]

I saw this more as an vocab/rhyming exercise than a topical.. the latter I consider to be more story based. not that I'm complaining. I'm a big fan of maintaining multis if/when possible, so to see you exhaust the fuck outta one was nice, haha. I know some people see it as a negative, and they have a point because you did seem to be forcing it a little towards the end, but I'm fine with that.. others might not be.

the storytelling aspect did seem rushed, with the ending being a bit "what the..!?" but again, while others might see that as a drawback, I see it as fitting to the situation. Dave just killed a bunch of people, Stan's head is gonna be racing.. heat of the moment shit, I dunno. I thought it was ok. my only point would be if you're gonna rush one aspect (the beginning or the end) then the other has to be more established, so I would've liked some more background/situational stuff on Dave.. driving to the airport, getting on the plane, thinking about what he's about to do, etc. just to situate the audience for the wtf bit, rather than the whole verse being one big wtf.

[Zen]

To Venom I think Vulgar described my approach the best on this verse as instead of pepperin the reader with shots I waited for one big shot at the end lol.
But your critisism is taken and I appreciate the feedback fella.

[dead man]

i actually really liked this. the positive day repetition worked to ground the entire verse so it never went off kilter.

context always helps but i think you certainly made an impact. i couldn't help but think of the cornholio scene in beavis and butthead do america, where beavis is tweakin all over the airplane lol.

as a brief character biopic - which did sort of feel like an exercise in personality development - this was dope. obnoxious dave.

rhythm was a little sketchy in parts, as well as the part about shane. idk. some contrivances that sort of tripped me up personally. but this was really cool zen, i would read a series of these types of work.

thank you.

1

[Zen]

Appreciate that @dead man. Now let me go get my dictionary to find out what contrivances mean haha. But forreal appreciate it

[CopyPat]

top notch writing here, very polished, covers all the bases. flow/rhythm, complexity, content and substance, scheming, vocab...shits dope dude. zero complaints. i have a feeling (im guessing cause i have no idea who u are and i'm new to this site but) that you are almost taken for granted because u write shit like this all the time and make it look suuuuuper easy. am i right??

anyways seriously stellar stuff here. Best overall piece i have read so far since joining


Depressed. Betrayed. Compressed. Decayed under Heaven's weight. 'I best behave,
Still in a belligerent temperment. I waste no breath to pray. What's left I save.'
Relax. Pause. Wait for honest praise. Blast off like a comet's blaze.
Emotionally bonkers. Socially awkward jackin off to topless babes.
Obnoxious Dave.


retarded opener, sickness

Thoroughly Enjoyed... i'll be watching for more. hit me back with some feed on my joints if u don't mind, thanks

[Zen]

Appreciate that @CopyPat. I'll be sure to feed your pieces when I get a chance

[Zen]

Up

[Inno]

cool shit bro...def the opening line was a killer and just set the the tone for the rest of this piece..great
word use man..vocab i guess its called lol..anyway great word use like i said but along with that you had
great fluidity from word to word ..i mean it was seamless at times..so that just made your choices that
much doper dude..great piec here.

Black tee's and platinum chains but something's happened, A change.
He's zapped and tazed and slapped in chains.
Locked up in handcuffs on a passenger plane
For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage.

that sghit ther was rhyming smooooooth lol good shit man

[Zen]

Much appreciated @Innovator

[zygote]

Biggest criticism is lack of build up to the character Stan shooting the Dave. A similar theme is in that classic movie film SEVEN (main actors Morgan Freemans and Brad Pit), now in this movie film the police officer also shoots the killer but the build up is immense (if you have seen this movie film you will know, if not then watch out for The Box). In your writing here you lack that build up, so when the action happens it lacks impact. There is not enough investment into the characters to result in a strong payoff. For example, the line discussing "For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage" this did not feel like enough explanation for crimes, you give some hints with "a myriad of victims" line, but still line like "jacking off to topless babes", I was thinking perhaps this policeman just executed an exhibitionist. Who is the crazy one here? If that is the direction you are going with the prequel then great. All this aside, the rhyming and vocabulary is advanced, and scene setting/describing all visuals was Top-notch.

[Zen]

Originally Posted by zygote

I was thinking perhaps this policeman just executed an exhibitionist.

I laughed so hard at that lol. But I appreciate the feedback from you man

[Just Write]

lol this was pretty enjoyable man.. that first half was just a steamroller of multi's and even though the scheme was repetative i enjoyed that first half more than the second (as far as technical goes). the plot was really good too, this was am unusual style which is actually great because who wants amother copycat rhymer you know. i did think it wrapped up rather quickly but we talked about that already lol. yea mam great job, i'll try to get to that other piece when i can man. peace

[Zen]

Appreciate that @Just Write