ROUND ONE: (10)Certain vs. (23)Mike Wrecka - (CERTAIN WINS 5-0)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@Certain @Mike Wrecka

Topic


Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014, 11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Mike Wrecka]

fused to another at birth, why did my life begin wrong?
didn't choose to be hurt, but its still the path that I'm on,
scientist can split an atom making a hydrogen bomb,
but can't split me from my twin, should have taken more vitamins mom,
even as I'm writing this song, my rhyming doesn't seem to line up or belong,
cause I have to tilt my head, towards this crown full of thorns,
I'm disfigured deformed, as a fetus my physique was twisted transformed,
into something no one expected to be living this long,
all I want are these ties to be severed im calm,
just waiting for the day that I can embrace being embalmed,
stuck tethered together, have to weather the storm,
cause if I commit suicide my brother will also forever be gone,
the pressure is strong, so im venting through a rhyme and these phrases,
releasing frustration in between the lines of these pages,

when someone entered the room:

he said, I'm Dr. Chang, and you are a patient under my care,
at this point in the treatment I'd like to make you aware,
you don't have a twin brother, im sorry, its true,
thats just your reflection in the two way mirror we have been observing you through,
we are certainly working to do, everything in our power to help,
let me explain a few weeks ago you were a tower of health,
that became devoured by wealth, all the fortune and fame,
had you living wreckless and drinking, till you didnt remember your name,
then you went mentally insane, after you drove off a bridge,
awakening from acoma thinking you had a siamese twin,
let me try this again, your name is Michael Laford,
you are a famous recording artist that won alot of awards,
it seems that you poured so much into your persona, what im seeing,
is that your mind compartmentalized them into two seperate beings,
and now with the brain truama it seems to have manifested,
in such a way that no psychiatrist could have expected,
and you've become quite aggresive, whenever approached,
so we gave you a pen and pad hoping for a memory jolt,
now with your sensory soaked, in this pool of tranquility,
have we reached the understanding that in this room its just you and me?

I said, ya Doc I think I get it, my brother doesnt exist,
so if i commit suicide I dont have to worry if he lives,
I finally feel free, thank you for the pen to deal with the stress,
smile as i cut the ties, along with the aortic artery in my neck.......

[Certain]

"Run! Now!"
I could feel the Weatherby lighten as each shell dispersed,
but they weren't stopping; escape is the best option in hell on Earth.
I grabbed her hand. She stared blankly. I pulled it hard.
The mindless horde followed as we stumbled down the boulevard.
These streets were empty now. The homes and shops, too.
Led the girl to my basement apartment below the mob's view.
She's crying. The way her black hair shielded her glistening opals,
I could tell she really had no clue.
Her visage was soaked through — lost, broken and frail.
I handed her a tattered rag, sighed and told her my tale.

Jennifer looked so pretty the day they destroyed her.
Bracelets from oyster. Pleated skirt, lacy embroidered.
My eyes strained through the glaring radiation of light
as they desecrated my wife, her head invaded and spliced.
The monsters were rumors at this point, still faded from sight,
a shadow fiction, crazy and trite, the very idea that aliens might
stray into sight, taking human form and tasting our life.
That day I witnessed it, splayed on my side, Jen prone in its arms,
as it released a glowing discharge, captured her brain and her spine.
Her hazel-ish eyes went faded and blind.
She stared blankly. I grazed the back of my hand on her face. And I cried.
Jennifer looked so pretty the day I shot her and laid her to die.

Their faces are empty. The zombie masses showed no emotion,
no hunger, no yearning, no stress, strain or hopeful convulsions.
So when Amber first saw Zach, the boy she had been with,
sauntering down the street with no purpose or interest,
she rejoiced. I grimaced. She had to learn for herself, even after explaining the rules:
• The humanoid monsters were aliens, using our brains as a fuel;
• the electrical charge of conversion caused the irradiate hue;
• the people weren't people anymore, empty shells left graceless, consumed;
• and the zombies were, well, zombies, controlled by what their creators bid do.

Amber wouldn't eat for three days after that sighting of Zach.
She put her head on my shoulder, her weight on my shoulders. I couldn't keep fighting them back.
Every day comprised an attack. The vacant police stations were short on munitions.
and the aliens were driving us back, engaged in a war of attrition.
We mostly watched, stayed in the backstreets and scavenged for food.
We mostly watched, as the aliens began to build their own habitat new.

Amber was on watch the night of the first explosion, disturbing my sleep.
Then, a car alarm heard through the trees; we emerged from beneath.
Turned a corner to the hordes were unleashed, masses ebbing and flowing like murderous seas.
That's when we saw them, the aliens, facing off, cursing in screams.
Brother and brother battling, irradiate light releasing and bursting at seams.
The zombies fell limp with their masters, horde after horde.
We walked through the scourge of the war, wondering what had triggered disaster.
One alien lay prostrate under a tree, unable to move. Its stomach was bleeding.
Amber aimed her revolver without hesitation, but first I wanted a reason.

"The energy that kept us sustained for our mission also created the schism
because what we didn't know was that humanity's fuel has always been its hateful ambition."

Amber fired.

[big baby]

Awwwwh fuck seriously, best battle so far (that I've read, I think theres atleast 2 that I haven't so far.)

Let me break this sucker down. And motherfuckers thought I was zany? Number one fucking voter in this motherfucking bitch give me my props. I run this shit. I have to say, Mike probably has the best verse, in terms of just relating to the topic, and a story told as a caption to the picture, rather than an elongated story. That's what this is aiming for, really? I don't know. I'm not really into topicals. I'm sure, that I can. I'm absolutely positive. But, it's so lame to me...not writing topicals, just, being restricted. Even if it's on my own terms. Anyway, enough about myself.

Mikes topic was written in a nice fashion ( i think certain is so polished, to outshine him in mechanics has to be done by a very, very, very experienced, and better writer, which fortunately and unfortunately, is probably almost impossible to find) Before I start, let me say, this battle was like, this right here.



Absolutely insane FUCKING BONKERS. I need to stop drinking.

Anyway. Mike came with the stuff. At first it started off typically, as I expected him too. And actually, the whole thing wasn't really that much of a mechanical masterpiece, what he did strive in was his ability to tell a nice little movie screenplay story, in rhyme format. He exhibited this well, and I enjoyed it. Crisp, fresh, and to the point. The twist at the end wasnt expected, but it wasn't surprising either. The tragic end met for the character was exhibited through his hallucinative state of consciousness only provoked by over strenuous implications of his lifestyle. Almost like a Vanilly Sky reanimation. It was perfectly drawn out, and actually now that I bring it up, it sort of reminds me of Vanilla Sky. And come to think of it, Mike Wrecka is like a movie topicalist, lol. But anyway, that wasn't the only thing he exhibited, mike had a good stringing of lines throughout the whole way, nothing really over exerted, or forced.


he said, I'm Dr. Chang, and you are a patient under my care,
at this point in the treatment I'd like to make you aware,
you don't have a twin brother, im sorry, its true,
thats just your reflection in the two way mirror we have been observing you through,
we are certainly working to do, everything in our power to help,
let me explain a few weeks ago you were a tower of health,
that became devoured by wealth, all the fortune and fame,
had you living wreckless and drinking, till you didnt remember your name,
then you went mentally insane, after you drove off a bridge,
awakening from acoma thinking you had a siamese twin,
let me try this again, your name is Michael Laford,
you are a famous recording artist that won alot of awards,
it seems that you poured so much into your persona, what im seeing,
is that your mind compartmentalized them into two seperate beings,
and now with the brain truama it seems to have manifested,

that was a doozy, and you spelled trauma wrong. But the way that set in, it seemed so fluid. And it almost had a reminiscence of deadman too it, the way the transitional lines coupled together. Nice.

Overall a stellar verse and it impressed me, story wise, mechanics wise, it was decent and this is where your opponent outshined you considerably.


Certain, this verse was just a masterpiece, but in the other sense, you had bulletpoints, fucking quotes, and everything in here. It was great. What I feel you lacked in, wasnt anything mechanics wise, but moreso the storytelling -- which was good, don't get me wrong, but I feel it didn't tie in as I feel you may have wanted it too. Actually, no, you fit in your structure well. I feel you may have elongated it unintentionally, but that isnt it. Its just the way you write, everything you really write, is set out on a certain template. it had the perfect textbook way of writing to it, really, read like an article, almost. Or moreso a short story.

The difference between you too, was that Mike aims for a more entertaining prose, the story in itself could be a movie. Honestly, I just read it and fell into this daze, I yawned, not out of boredom, but a relaxing yawn, released at the end of reading it with a slight grin on my face. Michael Laford, man fucking michael lafords great. But I felt the ending was too cliche, both of yours, the only fault really. Both ending in a death, haha. I mean, you both went the hollywood route. Certains piece, had to be read atleast 3 times to understand fully, at first, reading it was clear, but I wanted to make sure. I mean the story to picture ratio wasnt as clear as Mikes, and that sort of frustrated me, because the only correlation was the aliens, being, amber/jennifer. I get the correlation between both characters, and the distress entailed. I also understand the apocalyptic allusion, manifested. It just didn't really sit well with me, story wise. Mechanically, yes, in relation to the writer, it was ok, but I don't see the magic of it actually manifesting itself into pure form, and visualizing it just leaves so many ebbs to flowing where my boat doesn't do the floating. I feel the bulletpoints were also a clever tidbit you reinforced through a series of last resort guidelines and restrictions through the near impending doom of the characters.


• The humanoid monsters were aliens, using our brains as a fuel;
• the electrical charge of conversion caused the irradiate hue;
• the people weren't people anymore, empty shells left graceless, consumed;
• and the zombies were, well, zombies, controlled by what their creators bid do.

this was when the tide of the story changed, and you started to expand on the subject and story. but I don't necessarily think, that i got the cusp of it. Uhm, are their aliens, AND zombies, or are aliens the zombies? Are the aliens controlling the zombies, that use our brain as fuel? Or are the aliens using our brain as fuel to stop the zombies from eating our brains, which they so famously do, so that the aliens could fight off the only imposing force, being zombies, in a land which humans formerly inhabited, but were easily chased off from? And Zach is a zombie, I'm assuming, becoming one, by being a human, or a former alien? I mean at the end Amber shoots an alien, so I'm guessing she's a human, and zombies are said to be mindless and just rambling hordes, which they usually are. So my question stands, are aliens/zombies two different identifying bodies? And if they are, well. This goes back to the picture, which, I'm actually -as I'm typing this, am breaking down. Or is that the purpose of it? Damn. This has actually delved deeper than I thought it would. Or maybe I'm looking too into it? But honestly, I'm interested into what it really is, usually I'd just ignore it, since it went over my head, but now it seems to leave a little gap of unknowings.



UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS!

This is great. I'm going certain. It has to be appreciated.

[uh-oh]

yo

mike wrecka. this was cool. good mechanics forced in sections but not bad enough to make me focus on it i could keep reading unhindered. i dug the approach with the guy being a nutjob, the ending was wack tho cuz im guessing he jabbed his aorta with the pen, but he failed because he did it in the room with a doctor who could save his life so im left thinking he didnt kill himself, he's destined to live in misery doped up in psych wards because he tried to kill himself and has this multiple personality disorder mixed with delusions and whatever else. but i guess he could kick the doctor away while his blood squirted everywhere. but if the doc could get some hemostats on that shit or something pinch the artery he could feasibly save him. but im looking for flaws which means you dropped a solid post. not like oh shit im wowed but it worked

certain

killed it. im gonna say i lost focus midway through though, but thats probably my add, but yea the mechanics are good when you lost the flow you got it back and were smart with it flipping the schemes in and out in places to keep it technical. and the whole thing was dope, i was wondering how it tied into the pic at first but as you go into it you see with the aliens stealing the electricty and power from our brains, but in the end it corrupted them because humans are destruction manifested and our hatred seeped into them and they hated themselves and murked themselves

at least thats what i got from it. but word it was the better verse here. props to both

certain

[PancakeBrah]

Mike Wrecka-

I loved the split the atom/split us line. The first section was really well done. Many pieces take the first person narrative route, but taking that route about actually writing the piece is a welcome nuance.

Overall, I think the first and last sections are the strengths of this piece. Both were very fluid in delivery and I was rapt with interest. The internal conflict spilling out through a journal-like admission, and the almost cold relief in being able to kill yourself after losing what you thought tethered you to life. Very good. I liked the first section for it's exposition and detail; I thought the lines and ideas you presented were very real and in line with the possible mindstate you were going for. Natural. And the ending was good because it takes a beat to death twice over concept of topical writing (suicide) and makes it a bit more refreshing and unique simply due to the rationale and plight that brought us to that point.

I think the middle section, the meat of the story, was solid but just slightly less interesting and well done in comparison to the other two sections. I'm not sure if it's the lack of punctuation but the dialogue had a slightly rushed feeling to me. But that's not my main problem with the section. I encountered this same problem when I wrote my AOWL verse against Frank; you had an obvious endgame and starting point both of which were great. The trouble was getting the connection. I think what I really wanted was a bit more reaction from the main character. Yeah, that's exactly what's missing for me now that I think of it. You go exposition;Dr. Change explanation;suicide. I think a small stanza where your main character writes about the internal reaction, whether joyous, confused, or a bit disappointed, would have really made this close to a 10/10 story type piece for me. You did so well with the internal machinations in the first stanza that I wanted to touch base one more time before he consummated his final act.

That's a long paragraph detailing the negative I found in your verse and that's a bit unfair because as a whole I think this piece was excellent. It's just that one missing ingredient could've pushed it into that 'verse of the week' conversation. As it stands now it's a solid 8-9/10 for me. Great work, Mike.

Certain-

Very thick, with multiple things going on for the reader to chew on. A third Walking Dead, a third Fight Club, a third War of the Worlds, all commentary on the nature of humans. You did this trick where you created a protagonist and a storyline with characters that the reader were interested, which carried the verse, but they were just vehicles to drive your overarching message home. A parable with laser beams and mind control, the intrepid hero and the damsel. You did well in creating empathy, succinctly describing the trials of your characters. Your diction and use of literary devices and formatting was top notch. Everything fluidly went from point to point and you arrived at your ending with the correct pace, finishing with wording and action that made your point seem natural without being shoehorned in. You had the theme and idea in mind and worked backward. This was airtight. You had a couple misuses of grammar but I'm not going to point them out. Hopefully that annoys you.

I've told a few writers this week they've had possible verses of the week but this was easily the best battle of the week and it showed I obviously mis-seeded Mike Wrecka. All apologies for that. I think Certain, though, had the more complete and cohesive verse from beginning to end whereas Mike had these flashes of superiority but was a bit more uneven. Great read, it's a shame either has to lose. Well done to both.

v/ Certain

[NYCSPITZ]

dope ass battle.

MW great verse. entertaining, would be flames on a song if you ever do an audio on it. Accessible to all levels of readers and very enjoyable.

Certain took it to a new level, starting off with nice oomph the weatherby line was tight then continued into some zombie alien takeover shit where the aliens die at the end due to consuming humanity's negative psychic powers. walking dead/independence day type shit in rhyme form, cool

v/ certain

[Red glare]

mike wrecka

writing reads real ugly, but it flows so smooth and rugged, notre dame dapper style. a simple strength is your calling card. the two way mirror twist was on some truman shit. but that line to "drove off a bridge" was a wash for me. "let me try this again" really put the lens in focus for me as a reader though, i like how it becomes a metaphor for you and your oawl moderating job. ahaha. the aortic artery line killed the piece, not in a good way though. could've closed it on a more traumatizing note. still nice work

certain

i like the "mob view" line. "stray into sight" was one of the nastiest transitions i have read in a long time. a true turn of phrases. what's with the hazel eye rhymes? anyways."and i cried" read void. emotionless. i didn't like the last bullet note with 'well' in it, felt out of place. "aliens cursing in screams" felt drab. line that follows is one of the best pure lines in the piece, along with the "bracelets from oyster" line though. "i wanted a reason" climax was really powerful story telling. really zoned in as a reader. "amber fired didn't have any realimpact on me.

like a pow gun

well done and personally i would just like to congratulate you two for the tremendous job you guys did with season 2

here we have the often overlooked direct approach that mike wrecka is known for. telling the story of the photo. door number 1 in the hall of thoughts. aside from a sidetracking section and a underwhelming finale, dope piece.

I think certain made bulletin notes for those who might miss the point? he couldn't help but make one of the lead characters a female, even though the picture is twins in collard shirts

mvgt certain