ROUND ONE: (R)oats vs. (22)Just Write - (OATS WINS 8-1)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@oats @Just Write

Topic


Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014, 11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Just Write]

It was a tuesday. my mother spoke in an excited, yet mellow tone
Said "baby tomorrow's the day your brother Fredrick comes home."
I was six when he left for the army, i can barely remember
All i know is there was snow, so it must have been around december
I remember the glow of our fireplace, my mother crying for nights & days
I tried to drown out the sound by hiding down on the fire escape.
I had dreams about him, living and dying. Woke up in sweats
Imagined all the places he went and all the people he'd met.
In my eyes Freddy was the best, by far my biggest hero
Never thought it bizarre i wrote him a letter everyday, & got back zero
Mother said she sent em out but i guess he was just too busy
But i understood. My little mind thought he was just too far from the city.
I remember i wanted to be him for holloween one year
Mom just shrugged and muffled, "if you only knew dear"
I was so young I didnt think nothing of it...
..., grabbed some old green rags out the cupboard and moms make up bag
Ran in the room with her black eye shadow all over my face and laughed
Said "mommy look!, arn't you proud? i'm a real soldier now, just like freddy!"
I could see what i said was besetting as she left the room in tears
I wanted to comfort her so i put my ear to the door so I could hear
I said, "mommy you there, are you ok? Can i help?"
She replied with a sigh and said, "I just need to be by myself"
I remember walking back to my room, feeling rather somber
I missed that male to male comfort. my brother gone. the loss of my father.
You see my dad passed away right before freddy went to war in a fiery crash
I don't remember seeing it, just hearing the boom & them putting dad in the hospital van.
Everytime i asked my mom about it, she would just shut me out
So eventually i learned that's something we just don't talk about.
At this particular time i was 14 and still couldn't see the truth
Til a teacher at school told me freddy was doing time down in cell block 2.
It was almost too much for my mind to handle
All this time my brother's life was a lie, wrapped in scandals
I was in a fiery rage, rushed in the house demanding an explanation
"Mom how the fuck could you lie to me!", didn't realized i cussed in my frustration
She just began to weep, "told me Bobby, freddy has a disease.
He's a piromaniac who lights everything on fire.. including your fathers jeep"
I sunk in my seat in disbelief, everything started to make a little sense.
From my fathers death to fredricks immediate untimely absense.
You see freddy was waiting for my father one bright afternoon
Found a pack of matches and was melting the rubber of his balloon
I guess the fire got away from him and caught onto the carpet soon
freddy ran in terror...
... my father walked to the jeep just as we heard the boom
At first i was in anger, i could't believe i was decieved.
Then i realized that my mother did it cause she loved me
She didn't want my love for my brother severed like hers was
But how am i to love someone who has already burnt our trust?

[oats]

past holed up in the same desert my future lies
ceramic echoes of my family’s rumblings for food supplies
my wife and son bite their tongue with their beautifully muted eyes
a slice of crumbs the nightly sum once the house has been scrutinized
doom arrived (it unionized) when two men spied our home
the cool of night euthanized the mood of private groans
they knuckled at the entrance and presumed to stride in slow
with rifles slung across their backs like a neglected child in tow.

mild in tone, they motioned me to step outside with them
put their hands on my back - and sympathized with the situation I was in
“you work hard just to starve,” they said, “that’s not a life, my friend-
but we came here with a deal that will make things right again.”

as quick as light can bend they unveiled their wild intentions -
sticks with Chinese letters looped together in wired extensions
but the purse! - half a year’s pay - held my eyes for a second;
the presence of the money was divine intervention

the light of the heavens! overflowing my cup of both hands
this was kebab, hummus, shwarma, plus another couple goats and
no grip of my stomach’s demands in this prison of mud brick and sand
and no more wearing shirts that say “49ers 2013 Superbowl Champs!”

I snapped out of the romance - reality had strings attached to it
“This bag is the down payment; it’s only half, use it
to get to Damascus. Wait for the bus with upper-class schoolkids.
You get a sandwich if you plant it - a grand for your fam if you’re strapped to it.”

You might think that’s stupid but you do what you must do
I placed the vest over my shoulder: “We knew we could trust you.”
I gave the money to my wife, went and hugged my son goodnight
They said I’d get 72 virgins - hope they threw in some sluts, too.

***

I heard the bus move through the bustling streets -
amidst the murmurings that Rebel Army numbers increased
paranoia was as palpable as the insufferable heat
but once the bus came into view, I had nothing to see

I tugged at the seams of my coat, felt the sticks of oblivion
this was religious duty, my job as a municipal citizen
fuck those over-privileged little kids - it was my son’s only chance to live to be significant
another life of struggle turned statistic of ignorance

this gift of belligerence hurdled me forward
with swiftness, indifference I circled toward it
in a lurching contortion I unfastened the harness
tragedy! carnage!
the bus careened into traffic and ramshackle apartments
at the last second I think I heard a laugh as the car hit
and when I came to…I ran as fast as I could manage to the path where I started
(besides, I could really use that sandwich they promised…)

it wasn’t honorable, but fuck it, I know it’ll pay
I didn’t fight for my life for so long just to throw it away
my soul is decayed, but I get another second of breath, right?
I guess I’ll have to wear this mask until I get to the next life

[PancakeBrah]

Just Write-

This was everywhere and nowhere at once. I will say that I did not correctly predict the outcome of your story after the first handful of lines, which I usually do with story pieces. I have two major problems with your verse, one being related to the overarching story and idea, and the second being related to the writing. My problem with the story is that Freddy is the most interesting character. The way you wrote this, the reader wants that moment of actually "meeting" Freddy the same way your narrator does. That's what I thought you were setting up. Instead, we're introduced to the father narrative halfway through when we're already invested in Freddy as the engine of the verse. And in the end, we're brought back to a mother/son anecdote, basically, that touches on a tired theme. I wasn't empathetic towards the obviously crushing revelation because the father thread was brought forth almost as if it was secondary. So we went from Freddy, to father, to Freddy, to mother in terms of throughline of importance. It seemed scattershot to me, without focus. I won't get into the nuts and bolts of the actual storyline other than it seemed weird that the narrator found out about Freddy from his teacher. That needs more explanation to be believable. As for the writing, it seemed a bit dry, and the rhymes a tad forced (and simple), simply there to proceed with the narrative.

oats-

Awesome. One of the best I've read this week. Your verse was nuanced and at times funny in a breaking-the-fourth-wall kind of way. The narrator's family was the focused thread that Just Write's verse lacked and they probably constituted 10% of the content of your verse. But his motivations and actions are all reasonable and everything makes sense within the context you created. You grabbed the readers attention with the opening lines and there really wasn't a point where you let up (except possibly the stanza third from the bottom, the stanza ending in 'ignorance'). Your ending was a bit confusing to me, as there are a couple of interpretations I arrived at after thinking about it. But that's not a deal breaker and I'm probably just illiterate. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Props to both writers but oats excelled where JW didn't. I've liked a couple of recent JW open mics and expected a bit more here but I think he may have tried too hard for depth whereas oats let the story tell it self, well.

v/oats

[Certain]

Just Write: You had a good general idea here, but it needed more development. You start with the day before Freddy comes home, and you never get to the day Freddy comes home. That was a bit of a disappointment. There were a lot of ancillary details of various levels of interest. The writing was exceedingly straightforward, distractingly so. It was tough to place the narrator because of it. And this story didn't make much sense the more I thought about it. Everything was written in past tense. When did the teacher inform our narrator about his brother's actual reason for going away? Also, in what world does a kid who accidentally kills his father get sent away to prison for a long time? When you're writing something this straightforwardly, you need to be very clear and deliberate about these kinds of developments. Also, the rhymes weren't very good, mostly simple and often single-syllable. In execution, this was one of the worst verses I've read from you, and you know I'm a fan of your writing, particularly storytelling. I think you had something here but didn't put the pieces together quite right and consider your approach closely enough.

oats: Your writing far outstriped your content. The depth of the rhyme scheme was impressive, and none of those rhymes were forced. The voice of the narration was very easy-going and understood, not nearly as serious or unhuman as most terrorism-themed verses tend to be. You made our bomber a real person, a person who made the same kinds of decisions we would make. That was appreciated because I've read so many fucking terrorism-themed topical verses that inherently the plot points were trite. The sense of humor really is what won it for you, with the Super Bowl line and the sandwich line and the other stuff. It could have been tightened a bit in the early going to then allow a little more imagery and exposition on that key scene. I wish you would have incorporated the Clockwork Orange T-shirt at least a little bit, but Just Write's verse was far less directly related to the topic, so that didn't affect your standing here. You won because you told your story better and your story made more sense, even if your idea wasn't ambitious.

Vote: oats

[Wise Wiggles]

Ok so I've read each of these pieces multiple times just to make sure I soaked in everything. I felt JW's story was pretty deep but there were holes and drawbacks to it. I thought that many of his lines could have been reworded to present the flow and maintain it better. Some of the word choice as well I noticed could have been improved upon. Now as for it relating to the picture I felt you could have done slightly better as well. Idk. I'm going to say I didn't really favor either of your approaches really. I myself would have done a chaos/anarchy/revolution type deal but that's neither here nor there. I don't know why the dad walked back to the jeep. He didn't see the flames? Didn't see his son running away? I mean a couple things didn't add up. I can see how a teacher would know of what happened though. Mom keeping it secret. Teacher spills beans. With a few slight adjustments and some deeper focus on the rhymes/rhyme-scheme I think this would have been awesome. But with some minor holes and other things I left it wanting a little more. Now on to oatmeal's shindig. He came at this a little more what I had in mind. He brought focus to his struggling family and The offer (which was a little extreme). 500 & sandwich for planting? 1000 total for suicide bombing.. The flow and rhyme scheme is what set this apart from Just's story. But oats was more concise and technical and less bumpy which imo counts for a lot. So with the overall deepness between the pieces I believe JW, was on top with that but every other element went to oats, therefore I have to give it to him on the things stated above. Hard to choose, but a good, different, interesting battle fellas.

[Pent uP]

JW - Can i call you JW? Good. There were a lot of emotional angles to your verse I liked. The mother's actions toward the main character felt genuine and realistic and I really dug that. The confusion/misunderstanding in the main character was done really well too. My main problems stemmed from the story itself...the brother was coming home but you left out the potential BANG of face to face confrontation. Somehow the teacher knows the story and SHE breaks it to the main character instead of something else. I dont know it was a lot of random occurances and didn't feel fluid. Decent verse though.

Oats -- I laughed@the 49ers shirt comment but was SUPER upset by the fact you didnt play off the clockwork orange demented angle. the image of a rifle like a child in tow I thought was amazing, dunno why but I did. I felt the verse was a little long winded and under-characterized. This was missing some of your introspective touches that I usually glean from your verses. I'm kind of let down by this verse overall even though it was still strong? idk

Overall - I was expecting more from oats....but I always expect more from oats...soo..i'm an asshole. JW had some really good emotion to his verse, and I'm a sucker for that shit. Oats had a good story, but that's all it was. JW had a ehh story but really good emotion..I feel like I'm being overly critical of oats' though because his verse was still effective from all angles...

Vote - Oats

[e11even]

Damn bro. This hit hard. I usually just read you in OM so I'm unsure as to whether this is your 'actual' norm or if you really dug deep for this one. Regardless, I really liked this one. You really have a way of putting the reader in the protagonist's shoes. You weaved a well told story, and had the events arranged in a way that kept the story interesting and enthralling. I think the formula got a bit hasty toward the end, how the lines came out a bit hurried and inconsistent with the rest of the piece. Overall though, this was a great JustWrite piece, and you definitely brought it. Good job.

This piece was pretty cool overall. I didn't like the downtrodden terrorist angle, but you write so well I had no choice but like it in its entirety. Your rhyming was complex and your way of storytelling was refreshing, despite me not liking your particular angle. I think the ending could have been a little better but the twist was good, and necessary for such a topic. This was not as original as I'd have wanted, but i was still impressed. Good job Oats.

Overall, i liked both verses. I resonated more with JW, but Oats is clearly a more polished writer when it comes down to mechanics and fine writing. Given the fact that I go with my lasting impressions of writers, MVGT JustWrite.

[big baby]

This was a cool battle. JW's verse, was really kinda weird to me. A pyromaniac twist plot? That's really, really weird, to me. So it must be weird. I just didn't really expect it, but it seemed so non conflicting. The rhymes were ok, the structure of it all, mechanically, was decent. I thought you were worse than this, but you proved me wrong, so I can sort of put you in a sort of echelon that I have in my head. Also, I feel that if you didn't bring up the pyromaniac stuff it wouldve been a tough story to beat, everything from the beginning to around the middle was stellar. You wound into a different story -this being your arching theme around the dead guy and the crazy one who loves fire. And his balloon somehow kinda exploded the jeep? You know the actual odds of that, I can't even fathom it, honestly. And his father ignored him, and just walked into the jeep? Didn't even say nothing to the guy? I don't know. It seemed a little too unfocused, and you put under a telescope something completely secondary. The primary introduction was well focused, a hawks eye straight shooting rhyme cluster. The climax and overlapping themes of unfocused and abridged relationships was...hurtful. To you. I wish the story had more of a believable essence rather than a unexpected, improbably twist plot.


Oats, may I commend you with a textbook verse, in mechanics. You transitioned smoothly, verses read as monotone as they read nicely. That sort of goes against each other, but you deviated in a sense of syllabic matter. Nicely wound internal cusp of mechanics. The organs that supported your extremity (rhythm, transitioning, schemes, wording) were complimentary to the story at hand. If dull boy were to read this he'd probably say he'd want to show you our handshake. But I wouldn't let him cause you havent' proved yourself enough. Though, actually I do always applaud your efforts and think you're a good writer, when some people tend to forget or downplay your skill. Writing wise, in this tournament you're probably one of the best. And I've always said this, it's just you lack a sort of oomph when trying to combine the elements of rhyming itself, and a stellar verse. It doesn't come with either being the powerhouse in your elemental utility belt. You have to learn to use them both in unison to really become out of this world. And typically, nobody I've read on this forum, has yet to achieved that, even the super stellar writers. They remain in this shtick of trying to impress the rhyming side, and lack depth of character and guage the needs of one audience, or if their story is tightly wound out, that person either lacks the mechanics, or just the overall feel to envelope a story to it's most emotional depths. You are probably 1 of 3 close to achieving, but when I say close it's really lightyears away. But that is why I like you. That being said, your story lacked. I never read previous votes, but I do so midway when I already choose someone I want to vote for. I looked at certains vote first and see that he said what I just said. It 'oustriped' your story line. That's the problem faced. Sometimes, you don't want to write particularly about your picture, you can write about an emotion that picture took you. You clearly took it here, just based on your mechanics, and luckily that saved your behind, cause just write came with a clever, touching beginning, but fell off towards the end with unpredictable and unclear motives. Inversely, you can write about what that picture might become, or has become (chronologically, before and after) but mostly, you can atone, and write on a certain element the picture has, and expand on that in your OWN liking. You did this, barely. And the storyline lacked. Though you had less time to do so, I still think you wouldnt have done much better with the exact time alotted. Though here, your story wasnt bad, it just wasnt as woundly packed as I would like it to have been.

thanks guys :0

[Diode]

just write:

sing-songy. missed the boat on expanding fiery rage into something more allegorical. i thought the twist was awful. all of this build up for a pyro? serious? all the wind was sucked out of your verse with that. there was a lot of awkward wording.
last line was ugh. just ughhhh. never beat your reader over the head like that. give these people some credit. i know you can do better than this. don't know what happened but this read like someone told an NBL guy to write a topical verse. and they used all the cliches and expectations of what one looks like. please don't take this as a personal attack on you. i just really disliked this, especially compared to your other work.

p.s. matches can only ignite fumes in an enclosed space. try to light gasoline on fire sometime :P

oatmeals:

this was kebab, hummus, shwarma, plus another couple goats and
no grip of my stomach’s demands in this prison of mud brick and sand

^ awkward. would have liked it to be goats and land. ending on and broke up the flow really badly.

lol'd @ 9ers dig.

this was a superior take on my 9/11 terrorist tale. many little details and nuances that show the talent in your writer's voice. one of the better pieces i've read here in the past month or two. one little bit of confusion - did he bail but cause collateral damage anyway? seems like a lot of us are left wondering.

v/ oats

[Nigma]

Just Write, fantastic story telling here up until 3/4 of the way through the verse at which point the way you presented the verse came off very.. offputting. Can't even really describe it but something about the way you presented the details about him being an arsonist seemed corny to me for some reason. Up until that point you progressed the plot wonderfully with a few fickle foreshadowing fiestas from the mother character. Really had me gripped for the most part, ending kinda fell short for me though. Concept could have worked, more of an execution issue. Very ambitious verse though, good stuff.

oats, very crafty angle at the target. Excellent job creating a believable setting for the reader encompassing the finite issues in the characters life. You did a good job aiding the readers ability to relate with him for making the choices he did. Only small complaint, the ending could have been more memorable, it still worked for me but though.

Prognosis, Although JW delivered a piece that captivated almost all the way through, I have had far less to complain about with oats. I felt he took this one with a more consistent and believable spin of the topic.

+1 oats

[Vulgar]

JW - This was a cool take on the topic but one thing it lacked was true emotional depth. The exchanges between mother and son were very mechanical, bordering on generic. I didn't expect the turnout, so props for tying it into the picture like that. The content in the verse was okay. I can't say I was on the edge of my seat, but it was a respectable showing.

oats - Champion level verse. The ending was an interesting turn of events. I figured the picture required you to improvise and have the bomber escape somehow. Very tight execution for this one. The way you worded lines and told the story was a pleasure to read. The references were in place where they needed to be. This was like a Tom Clancy story, highly "American" in tone if I may say so myself...but you got the job done.

Vote - oats